Chapter 1 #4
“She’s very good at what she does. I doubt there’s anyone with the Stingrays’ organization who doesn’t believe that she was the best choice for her position.
Victor is always singing her praises, which says something, because you know how private he is,” Vivian said, her words pleasing Dean in a proud father way that proved just how far he’d come in the past few years.
“I guess I was most surprised that Victor didn’t know about her at all, even from your days as teammates. ”
Dean still wasn’t quite used to talking about McKenna. In some ways, it was easier when the relationship was a secret, because he didn’t have to discuss decisions he’d made when he was young and stupid. Decisions that he wasn’t proud of.
“Victor wasn’t with the team when Kenny was conceived. Hell, I wasn’t even with the team, not really. I’d signed with the Stingrays, but I’d put off the move to Baltimore, opting to spend one last summer at home.”
“Where was home?” she asked.
“Columbus, Ohio. At least at that point. My dad’s job was one where he was transferred every three or four years.
Kenny was the product of a summer romance, one that I ended when I moved to start my career as a professional hockey player.
I’d just turned twenty-one when Ellie—Kenny’s mom—called and told me that I was a father. ”
“You were already a father when she called?”
“Unbeknownst to me, Ellie had developed some feelings for me during our summer fling. I’d explained at the beginning that I wanted to keep it casual, but when things continued beyond the one-night stand, and then the one-week stand, I guess she thought we’d gone beyond casual.
To be honest, we probably had. But as I mentioned before…
I was an ass. Oblivious to anything except getting laid and hockey.
Ellie had been hurt when I broke things off.
Hurt and pissed enough that when she’d found out she was pregnant, she decided she was going to do it on her own. That I wasn’t necessary.”
Vivian frowned. “Not necessary.”
Dean held his hands up, not wanting Vivian to get the wrong idea about Ellie.
“She was angry—and rightfully so. I don’t blame her for not telling me right away.
I hadn’t exactly revealed myself as a stand-up kind of guy, taking off to Baltimore without a single glance backward.
I never called or texted her. Just broke things off and walked away, even though we really got along and had a good time together.
Anyway, Kenny was right around six months old when guilt got the best of Ellie, and she felt bad for not telling me that I had a child. ”
Vivian nodded just once, in obvious approval over Ellie’s decision to call. He got the sense she was letting him decide how much he wanted to share. He wondered if she knew that her quiet, patient reaction made him want to open a vein and spill it all out, something he never did.
“That must have been one hell of a shock.”
“You have no idea.” Dean murmured a quick word of thanks when the server returned with their drinks. He lifted the fresh pint of beer and took a drink. “I hopped on a plane to Columbus the next day.”
Dean wished he deserved the smile Vivian shot at him when he told her that. Honestly, making that trip immediately after discovering he had a daughter was about the only thing his younger jackass self had done that he respected.
“Ellie and I talked…a lot…and in the end, things continued the way she’d planned. She raised Kenny alone. I went back to the team and never said a word to anyone about Kenny or Ellie.” Just saying those words filled Dean with a deep sense of regret.
“You weren’t a part of her life when she was growing up?”
He shook his head. “I was a bank, not a dad. Sent Ellie money every month to help her financially. Sent birthday and Christmas presents, but…” Dean sighed. “I tried to convince myself that sending checks made me a father, that it was enough.”
Vivian remained quiet, simply listening. Strangely, he felt no judgment from her.
“It wasn’t,” he added. “I wasn’t there for school plays or to give prospective boyfriends the stink eye.
Didn’t help her choose a college or hold her hand as she took her first steps.
” He stared at the table. “I missed it all because I decided hockey was more important. I should have been there. Should have tried harder.”
“Yeah…maybe,” Vivian said softly.
He looked at her, her words hurting.
“But you showed up eventually,” she added, with a compassionate smile. “You’re trying now.”
No one had framed it that way for him. Even so, it was hard to let go of a lifetime of regrets. “I have twenty-four years to make up for.”
Vivian shook her head. “No, you don’t. You can’t make up for that time. All you can do is show up today, and tomorrow, and the next. Stop looking backward, Dean.”
He soaked that in, considered it. “I still feel guilty.”
“And because you’re a nice, compassionate man with a fully functioning conscience, you probably always will. But you can’t let that stain the relationship you’re building with your daughter now.”
Dean grimaced. “Kenny said something similar. Said she didn’t want to be a constant reminder of my failures. She said that would suck.”
Vivian chuckled. “It would. McKenna’s smart, sweet, and clearly harboring no bad feelings toward you for the past. I get that guilt has a way of lingering, but I’ve learned that life is too short to live inside regrets.
Grab hold of the ones you love and screw the rest. Chances are good all those things you’re letting eat you up inside are just white noise and don’t truly matter. ”
He knew enough about Vivian’s life to understand the weight behind those words. After all, she’d lost her parents as a teenager, was widowed in her mid-twenties, and she’d spent the past five years as a single mother. She understood struggle and loss better than most people.
“Yeah,” he said.
“I’ve become good friends with McKenna,” she said, reaching across the table to place her hand on top of his. “She speaks about you with genuine affection.”
“Really?” he asked, a weight he didn’t realize had been pressing on his chest suddenly lifting.
“Really.” Vivian patted his hand before pulling hers away. It took everything he had not to grasp it again, to cling to it. “She doesn’t act like someone trying to force a relationship or harboring ill will. She just sounds like someone who’s grateful to have her father in her life now.”
Dean didn’t realize how badly he needed to hear those words.
He and McKenna had talked a few times about the past and their feelings, but because he knew just how sweet and compassionate his daughter was, he could never fully convince himself that she’d forgiven him and moved on.
Not even when she swore to him that she’d never harbored any ill feelings toward him, insisting that her life had been wonderful, and that she’d been grateful for the financial support he’d provided her and Ellie, since it had allowed them to live a comfortable life.
“You can’t change the years you missed, Dean, but you don’t have to let them steal the years you still have.”
Dean looked at her for a long moment. Her words were simple and right. Vivian might be fourteen years younger than him, but she was a hell of a lot wiser.
“Thanks.”
She smiled. “You don’t have to thank me.”
Somewhere between canceled flights, shared exhaustion, and a peaceful dinner, Dean suddenly understood he wasn’t just passing time with Victor’s little sister anymore. He was getting to know the incredible woman Vivian Kelly was…and he wanted to know more about her.
No. That wasn’t accurate.
He wanted to know everything about her.