Chapter Twenty-Two #4
A soft breeze rolled in, sending cherry blossom petals dancing around our feet as we made our way to the car.
I watched them settle, a sense of impending doom pressing in, either from the glances Phoebe kept shooting Dex or the way he couldn’t seem to lift his gaze from the ground.
This is over, I thought, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was ending.
“You okay?” Phoebe asked, nudging Dex’s elbow with her own. “That was a lot.”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“Yeah it was a lot or yeah you’re okay?”
“I think…” He slowed to a stop and I curled my fingers into my palms, bracing for the end of his sentence.
His eyes met mine under the golden hour sun.
I could see him, read him, feel the weight he was carrying like it was my own.
I knew him. He would never be a stranger.
“I think,” he continued, voice low, “you guys should go home.”
The words landed somewhere deep in my gut, sharp with shame as if he’d grabbed me by the shoulders and shouted Gotcha! instead of handing over something I was supposed to give him.
“What?” Phoebe said, sounding so small. “But… no. No, we’re supposed to be in this together. You can’t just decide on your own. That’s not how it works.”
Dex dragged a hand down his face. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
“I am.” He dropped his hand, meeting her eyes, and then mine. “I never wanted to hurt either of you. You trusted me, you let me into your world, and I fucked it up.”
“You lost your brother!” Phoebe wheeled around to look at me, eyes wild. “We talked about it, right? He wasn’t trying to hurt us. We know that.”
“But I did,” Dex said quietly. “I did hurt you. Whatever my intentions were can’t erase that.”
“Stop talking to me like I’m one of the kids at Sequest!” Phoebe spat, blinking back tears. “You’re not my therapist. You’re my best friend.”
His voice cracked: “Phoebe.”
“You’re punishing yourself on our behalf!” she cried. “You can’t do that!”
Eyes stinging, I reached for her and she let me wrap my arm around her shoulders.
She softened against me, the blaze of rage and turmoil in her eyes dulling.
This was more along the lines of what I expected in the hospital parking lot, this desperation to hang on to something disappearing before her eyes.
I felt every bit as undone, but I held her tight.
Nothing I said right now would reassure her, I could only show up for her and her feelings.
“You said you weren’t done with him,” she said, willing me to fix this somehow. “We aren’t done. You said that.”
“Let’s hear him out so we can make good on it.”
“Fine.” She steeled herself as she turned to Dex, everything about her stiff except her eyes, which sparkled with tears. “Talk.”
His anguish was obvious, his expression pinched as if it weighed him down to the point of physical, terrible pain.
For weeks he’d donned an impassive mask, unwilling to let us see this side of him.
“I’m not giving up. I’m not bailing on you,” he said.
His eyes met mine, full of heated determination, and it felt like he’d dug his fingers into a raw nerve.
A crush of dizzying thoughts descended. He was going to fight for us.
He hadn’t fought for anything in two years and he was going to fight for us.
For me. “I want to fix this. I need to fix it, if it’s possible.
But all this time I’ve been stuck in my head…
I hurt just about everyone I care about. There’s so much I have to make right.”
The current of thoughts winked out in lieu of a dawning realization. “You’re staying.”
He sniffed, fingers toying with the edge of his cast. “For a little while, yeah. This is something I have to do.”
Everything about this situation hurt, but this was good.
Dex wasn’t burying his head in the sand.
He was looking us in the eyes and apologizing.
He explained what he was doing and why. Straightforward and honest, the best way to build a foundation of trust. Dex was taking responsibility for what he’d done—or hadn’t done—one step at a time. He was fighting, for us and himself.
I wondered what, exactly, Cat said to him when they were alone. I needed to shake her hand or buy her a drink.
Beside me, Phoebe relaxed.
“I know it’s bad timing,” Dex said. “And I’m throwing out the plan.”
She smiled wanly. “What plan?”
“There’s a flight leaving at eight. You’d be home in the morning.”
I pressed my fingers into my eyes, fending off the bizarre urge to laugh. Nearly two weeks spent crossing the country, undone in eight hours or less. What absolute nonsense.
“Is this really something you need to do?” Phoebe studied him closely, arms crossed. “Or are you pushing us away?”
“I’m not.”
“Because a couple hours ago, you were all, ‘Leave me in the dust, alone and miserable and too stubborn for my own—’ ”
“I want you both in my life,” he interrupted, his voice steady and firm. “If you’ll have me, that’s what I want. For all the shit that’s up in the air right now, this is something I am sure about.”
How foolish I’d been, thinking love was something that could pause halfway.
How bittersweet for this realization to sink in now that we were parting ways for a while, a warmth like sunshine slipping through my fingers.
I wanted to close it in my fists and somehow trap the light without extinguishing it.
“I don’t want to leave if you need us,” Phoebe insisted. I brushed a piece of hair behind her ear, offering a small smile.
“You can be there for someone without actually being there.” I made a point to meet Dex’s eyes. “We’re here. However he needs us to be.”
The corner of his mouth twitched and for the first time, I truly understood how much it meant for him to feel even a hint of joy.
All those tiny moments at the beginning of the trip, thrilled over the slightest smile—I’d had no idea just how significant they were.
And I was so fucking grateful he let himself open up to Phoebe and me instead of shutting us out like he did with everyone else.
“Okay, well, my being there for you will be kicking your ass in Mario Kart,” Phoebe said.
“If you say it out loud enough times, it might become true,” Dex countered. His voice was thick. My breath snagged in my throat, missing him already.
Phoebe glanced between us, smiling. “We’re gonna be okay, though,” she said with authority, reminding me so much of our dad. Reminding me so much of me. “All of us.”
“Of course we are,” I replied, giving her a squeeze. She squeezed back and then slipped away, heading toward the car.
“But if you think you’re not getting us Voodoo Donuts before we leave Oregon, you are sadly mistaken,” she called over her shoulder.
“I’m not driving three hours for donuts,” Dex said, and she hooted, turning to walk backward.
“You looked it up!” She ducked into the car, shutting the door behind her and immediately peering wide-eyed through the window, not bothering to pretend she wouldn’t eavesdrop. I expected nothing less.
Dex looked at me, shaking his head slightly. “I have so much I want to say to you. I don’t know where to start.”
“It’s been a long day. You don’t have to say anything right now.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m pushing you away. Or that I don’t care. I do. I care so much, Vi. I—” He exhaled sharply, shaking his head again. “I meant what I said. I want you in my life.”
“I know you do.”
“But I need to fix things with Cat. She’s my family.” He glanced at the house. “I don’t know how long I’ll stay. Bree and Gav are gonna fly out in a few days. We haven’t all been together since the lighthouse. We thought we’d do something to honor Benji.”
I knew better than anyone how important it was to hang on to the people you loved in the black hole of grief and now, finally, Dex would allow that for himself.
“That’s what you’ve been doing this whole time, right?” I said. “Your job, this trip… Everything was for Benji.”
Wind circled us, picking up a few stray petals and grass clippings. Our eyes locked.
“Not everything,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry, Vi.”
“I know.” I stepped closer to him, my fingers tangling with his.
“I haven’t mapped out my feelings yet, but…
God, I get it. I do. People do stupid shit when they’re grieving.
I’m a prime example. Look at where we are right now.
Look at what we’ve done.” His shoulders sank in a slow exhale and I squeezed his hand.
“You did something for Phoebe and me that I can never even begin to thank you for. You think you’re not easy to care about, but you made it impossible not to.
It’s so easy to stand here and think about how crazy we were to do any of this and still believe with all my heart that it was the best. I’d do it all again. ”
He nodded tightly, eyes shining. “Me too.”
“But I need some time to… to wrap my head around this.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
“This isn’t me walking away.”
“This isn’t me telling you to.”
The warmth spread through me, wrapping a hand around my heart, holding it delicately. “So, you’ll stay. I’ll go. And we’ll be okay,” I said. His fingers squeezed mine.
“We’ll be okay,” he agreed, and somehow it didn’t feel like goodbye.