Chapter 2
ASH
MARCH PRESENT DAY
When I left my house this morning, it was my home.
The hardwood floors in the entryway that I picked out.
The eight-person maple farm table in the kitchen that Casey had made after I saw one in a movie.
The fireplace he had fixed before we moved in because I’d told him once I love a cozy fire in the fall.
All of it was mine when I headed to work, and now it feels foreign. I don’t belong there anymore either.
Isn’t that something?
I stood at our gas stove last night making popcorn for Maggie and me before we curled up to watch Dancing with the Stars. When Casey still wasn’t home, I washed my face and crawled into her bed. I didn’t worry about where he was. I assumed he’d been working late.
Did he even come home last night?
I thought he’d left for work before I got up. He does that sometimes. But he could have stayed with her last night.
He could have been staying with her many nights.
God, I’m an idiot. How did I not notice?
Now, I can’t stop running over every time he worked late or was out of town, searching my memory for clues of his affair.
When I got to the house, I knew I couldn’t stay. Add it to the list of places I no longer love. So, I grabbed what we’d need and hightailed it out of there. My mom picks Maggie up from preschool on Fridays, so thank God I have the rest of today to get my shit together.
As the doorbell chimes to my stepsister’s townhouse, I can’t help but chuckle at the familiar feeling of running to her for comfort. She’s been that since my mom married her dad, Denny, when we were twelve. We’re older now, but misery is misery no matter how much we grow up.
Will Jess and I lie in bed tonight while she wipes my tears and tells me that he wasn’t worth it? Will she drag me from the house in a few weeks to do something fun to get my mind off him? Will I sneak away to call him in the middle of the night? Maybe he’ll answer.
My stomach churns.
What if he doesn’t?
“Ash?” Her brows pinch as she opens the door.
I didn’t tell her I was coming because what would I say? Actually, I didn’t really decide to come here as much as I just kind of showed up. Like my heart was leading the way because my mind was busy torturing itself with thoughts of my husband’s hands on someone else.
When her deep brown eyes take in the mascara streaks on my face, they soften. “What’s wrong?”
Oh, you know, the sky’s falling, my life’s over, men suck, and by the way, can I live with you?
She takes my suitcase and pulls me inside.
“Uh…” I swallow. The words don’t want to come out. “I, um—”
“Hey, come here,” she coos, wrapping an arm around me. My chin rests on her shoulder, and her lavender scent fills my nose. She’s several inches taller than me, but I’m still in my work heels and she’s barefoot, making the difference less noticeable.
“Casey’s leaving me.” As the words leave my mouth, they feel like they’re coming from someone else.
It’s a strange out of body experience. It has to be, right?
Because there’s no way this is really my life.
How can one person be unlucky enough to have their perfect house of cards knocked down twice?
She pulls back, her voice sharpening. “What? Are you kidding?”
“Nope,” I say, popping the “P.”
“So soon after—”
“Yup…”
The cherry on top? The one person in the world I could call who could make this even a little better, died a couple of weeks ago. Gran was always my safe space, and now…
“What the hell. Are you okay?”
“Uh…” There it is—the burning behind my eyes creeps in, and a lump forms in my throat. “I don’t think so.”
She sets my suitcase down on the bottom step of the staircase before motioning to the living room.
“Wine?” She pulls a blue scrunchie from her wrist to wrap around her long dark waves.
Nodding, I trail her through the living room into the open kitchen.
I saddle up at the island, ready to drown whatever feelings are trying to bubble up in my stomach.
She pulls a bottle from the fridge. I flinch when she drives the corkscrew into the top, feeling the similarity to what Casey just did to my heart.
He might as well have driven his hand into my chest and pulled it out.
It’s sure as hell not in my body anymore despite the pounding I’ve been listening to since I left his office.
I’m convinced it’s a phantom pulse because it can’t possibly be the actual organ.
She slides a glass to me.
The tears finally dried up about halfway here, but it wouldn’t take much to turn them back on.
I’m not tough. Tears come easily and overstay their welcome.
It’s anger I struggle with. I want to be mad.
I want to hate the people who hurt me. I want to hold a grudge so fierce that you’d fear bursting into flames.
But I can’t. Forcing those emotions feels like I’m a rubber band being stretched too far.
She leans forward, resting her elbows on the granite. “So, what happened? You guys always seem so happy.”
I scoff. “Oh, that’s the best part. He’s been fucking the receptionist.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yep.” I laugh even though it’s not a bit funny. “I guess he loves her.”
My eyes stay on the wine swirling in the glass as I bring it to my lips.
“You have to be shitting me.”
My brows lift as I suck down as much of the liquid as I can in one gulp.
Setting the glass down, I say, “Oh, and he told me in the office with her right outside the room.”
She probably knew he was about to do it. I keep picturing the two of them leaving the office together after I stormed out.
How long had he been telling her he was going to end it with me? God, how long have they even been sleeping together?
I didn’t ask enough questions. I just sat there like an idiot. My brain turned to mush, and the only thing I could hear through the fog was run, get out! So, that’s what I did.
“What a piece of shit! Did you kick her ass on the way out?”
When I don’t answer, she huffs. “Of course you didn’t. Did you even say anything? Please tell me you at least gave her a big old fuck you as you left.”
“I flipped her off.”
She groans. “I guess that’s better than nothing.” With a sharp exhale, she shakes her head. “I wish you’d be a little meaner. I would’ve trashed the place on my way out.”
I smile but it’s half-hearted. “I thought about it.”
“You should have. You can’t let everyone walk all over you.
” She pulls a package of Oreos from the top cabinet, tossing them down between us.
It’s a nice gesture, but if I put one of those in my mouth, I’m going to barf.
“You put him in his place about one time, and he’ll think twice before fucking with you again. ”
I snort a laugh. “I don’t know. It kinda felt like what’s the point. He made his choice. Why drag it out?”
“Uh, because he hurt you.” She rests a hand on the counter and props the other on her hip. “He deserves to suffer.”
My chest grows heavy. Tears prick my eyes, and I try to blink them away but fail. One falls, landing on the back of my hand. “I don’t want him to suffer. I want him to love me.”
And I hate how pathetic that sounds. I’d do anything not to feel like this. I loved him when my eyes opened this morning, and despite his betrayal, I still love him. I don’t know that you can ever unlove someone.
But right now, the only thing that could pull the white-hot knife from my chest is him. If he’d change his mind, the curdling in my stomach would cease. We’d have to work through some shit, but the pain would be over.
My chin quivers, and I growl. I admit, it’s not the most attractive noise I’ve ever made, but fuck it.
“Should we call Nik?” Jess asks.
“Absolutely not!” I wipe my cheeks with the heel of my palm. “She might murder him if she comes to town. Plus, she’ll tell Shane, and then I’ll have to listen to my big brother explain that he always knew Casey was a piece of shit.”
She flicks a brow, muttering from behind her wine glass, “Like he has any room to talk.”
“Right. You see why we can’t call her then.”
She grimaces. “I mean, it might be kind of fun to sic her on Casey. She’ll fuck him up better than either of us could.”
I cock my head. “I don’t want her to fuck him up, Jess. That’s the point I’m trying to make.”
She throws up her hands defensively. “Alright. I get it. I’m just saying, you know you’d feel better with her here.”
She’s not wrong. Nik would absolutely make me feel better, but I have enough on my plate without my brother in the mix.
“The last thing I want is to drag anyone from Ravens Ridge into my mess. I’ll tell them eventually, but not yet.”
With a deep breath, she slaps the counter. “Well, you and Maggie are welcome to stay here as long as you need.”
“Thank you.”
“What are you gonna tell her?”
“I don’t know.” She refills my glass when I push it her way. “I can’t even fathom breaking her heart like that.”
She grimaces. “I mean, he’s still her dad.
And, as much as I don’t want to give him credit right now, he’s always been a really good one.
Divorced parents suck, but it’s not the end of the world.
I mean, look at me.” She holds her hands out.
“My parents did a great job, and they’ve been divorced the biggest part of my life. ”
“And what if he walks away?”
“Ash…” She reaches across the island and takes my hand. “He’s not your dad.”
I nod, rolling my lips under. “I just don’t want her to feel like she’s not wanted.”
“I know. But I don’t think she’ll ever feel like that. No matter what happens, she has you, and there’s no way she could deny how much you love her.”
I let out a guttural sound before dropping my head to my hands. “I’m gonna have to tell my mother.”
“Hey, maybe she’ll promote Shane to the favorite and stay off your case for a while.”
A real laugh escapes me. “I don’t think even that could make him the favorite.”
“Yeah. Probably not.” Her laugh fades. “When I talked to Nik yesterday, she said he’s doing really well.”
“She always says that,” I mutter.
“So, you don’t think it’s true?”
I shrug. “Who knows. Even if he is, it never lasts long. I love him, but I really doubt he’s completely clean.”
She eyes me like I’m going to take it back.
Do I feel bad for thinking that of my own brother? Of course, but hoping he’ll turn things around only leaves me with disappointment. I want him to get better, and I’ll love him forever. I just don’t believe him when he says he’s okay.
Jess turns to get another bottle of wine. My phone buzzes on the counter.
Unknown number.
My heart drops.
There’s a pretty good chance I know who will be on the other end. If I’m right, that will be the last straw for today. I hit ignore and put my phone face down before she notices.