Chapter 37 - Ash
ASH
Today’s my follow-up appointment with my family doctor. I’m just ready for all of this to be over. My leg still hurts, but it’s not so bad if I’m not standing. Since I’ve barely left my room, that’s not a problem.
I’m so tired, and when I’m not tired, I’m crying.
I cry so hard I make myself sick. For the most part, my mom leaves me be with the exception of the therapy appointments she insisted on.
I hate therapy. The lady just makes me talk about everything that happened over and over again like I don’t relive it every night when I fall asleep.
Like I don’t see Akers every time I close my eyes.
So now I’m sitting in a packed waiting room, looking like I just rolled out of bed because I actually did just roll out of bed. My eyes are red and puffy, and my head is pounding.
“Ashton Michaels,” the Nurse says.
Standing, I adjust my crutches and hobble away from where my mom sits to follow the nurse into the office.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“Fine,” I murmur, as she puts me in a room and asks me a bunch of questions before leaving me to wait on the exam table for the doctor.
A few minutes later, the doctor knocks on the door before entering. “Ashton? Hello, dear, how are you?” She takes a seat on the stool.
She’s a middle-aged woman with dark hair, wearing a white coat. Her red-rimmed glasses sit on top of her head.
“I’m fine.”
“Good. How’s your pain?”
I shrug. “It’s fine.”
Her lips pinch into a tight smile. “You’ve been through so much, are you talking to someone?”
Nodding, I say, “I have a therapist.”
“Great. That’s really good. So, I do want to go over some of your test results.” She glances at the computer hanging from the wall before adding, “Would you like your mother to come back?”
That strikes me as a little odd. My mom stopped coming with me to the doctor when I turned eighteen. She probably wouldn’t have come today if I were able to drive.
“Um… no. That’s okay.”
She flashes a small smile. “Okay. Well… I don’t know if you were aware of this, but we ran a pregnancy test with your labs earlier, and it did come back positive.”
“No. That’s not possible. They did that at the hospital. It was negative, and I’ve not been with anyone since.”
“They did, but you may have just been too early in your pregnancy for it to be detected.”
Your pregnancy.
The words leave her mouth, but when they hit my ears, it feels like she’s saying it in slow motion.
No.
There’s no way.
My head spins, and I feel like I might actually throw up.
“Ashton? Are you sure you don’t want us to have your mother come back?”
“No! No, I’m okay.”
“Okay, you’ll need an ultrasound in a couple weeks. I’m not an OBGYN so we’ll get you a list of doctors to choose from to get that set up.”
I swallow again, nodding.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Uh-huh.” Tears prick my eyes.
She reaches for a box of tissues and holds it out to me. “I know this can be scary, but you have options.”
She continues to talk, but I’m no longer listening. Instead, my mind wanders to Gabriel—all the nights I spent with him, where he is now, what he’ll say when he finds out I’m pregnant.
After getting lots of information and picking an OBGYN, the doctor leaves the room.
When I stand, my legs feel like they’ve forgotten how to carry me. I walk silently out of the office.
Luckily, my mom had to take a work call and spends the entire drive home on the phone, not noticing me wiping away tears.
There’s no way I can tell her. I don’t want to tell anyone. I want to go to bed, and maybe I’ll wake up, and all of this will be a terrible dream.
Pulling out my phone, I send him a text.
I need to talk to you. Call me
Itry to call Gabriel every day, but he never picks up.
Every night, I lie in bed and imagine him answering. He’d say he made a mistake and wants us to come home. Then I imagine what our lives would be like because I don’t think he’d abandon me if he knew.
But I guess he already has, hasn’t he?
“Jesus, are you ever gonna move on with your life?” Jess moans as she walks into my room before flopping down beside me.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I found out I’m pregnant, and I still haven’t told anyone.
Well—except my therapist. I guess she’s come in handy after all because now she’s the only person I can talk to.
We lay side by side, facing each other. I sniffle and take a deep breath, closing my eyes tightly.
“Come on, Ash. You can talk to me. I’m your sister. I’m always on your side.”
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper.
“What?” She sucks in a sharp breath, sitting straight up off the bed. “Are you serious?”
I nod, crying harder.
“Holy shit. Does your mom know?”
“No. No one does.”
“What about Gabriel? You told him, right?”
I shake my head.
“Ash, you have to tell him. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”
“I’ve called a bunch of times, but he won’t answer.”
“Shit. I’m so sorry.” She lies back down and throws her arms around me. “He’s such an asshole. You’re probably better off without him anyway.”
“I don’t wanna do it alone.”
She squeezes me tighter. “You won’t. You have me. We’ll do it together.”
Choking on my tears, I say, “I have an ultrasound today.”
“Do you want me to go with you?”
I nod.
Jess never leaves my side. She sits on my bed while I get ready for the appointment.
She drives us there and holds my hand while I lay on the table.
Then, something changes. I guess it hadn’t completely sunk in yet, but everything shifts when the tech turns the sound on and I hear that tiny heartbeat.
All the events from the last few months flash through my head, and I’m hit with overwhelming clarity.
That’s a real baby. My baby. I’ve always assumed I’d be a mom one day. Never this young, but one day. And the last few months of my life have been nothing but loss and heartache. I’m alone. My future’s been ripped from my hands, and for some reason, this feels like a flashing beacon.
I’m afraid, but this baby’s my new future.
Jess squeezes my hand, and when I roll my head toward her, she’s smiling.
I’ve been so stuck on contacting Gabriel that I haven’t stopped to consider what would happen if he did answer.
Protecting this baby is the only thing that matters.
I think about that man holding a gun to my head. That’s the world my child would be a part of if Gabriel were around.
I finally get why my mother wanted me out of that town because at this very moment, I would do anything to keep my child away from Ravens Ridge.
Eventually, I break the news to my mom, and after several long conversations, we decide not to tell Gabriel.
I’m going to be a mother all alone.
Iget why they call it labor. Holy shit. I thought I was going to literally split in half. The nurses said she came pretty fast for my first baby, but eight hours seemed like forever. We’ve been patiently waiting for her to come for a week, but it seems she wasn’t ready.
This morning, a week overdue, my water broke. There were times over the last several months that I wasn’t sure I could do it. And today has been a whirlwind of emotions, but the moment they placed her in my arms, I knew it was worth it.
The first thing I noticed when they handed her to me was how much she looks like him. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Part of me loves that I have a little piece of him, the other part feels like this reminder might turn the knife from now until eternity.
“Oh, sweetheart! You did so well,” Gran coos as she walks into the room.
I beam up at her. For the first time in my life, I’m proud of myself. Gran came to stay with us last week so she could be with me the whole time. My mom’s been better lately, but she’s not Gran.
“Did you pick a name yet?” Jess sits on the couch in the corner of the room.
I’ve had a name picked out since I found out I was having a girl, but I haven’t been ready to tell anyone.
“Yeah.” I nod, grinning. “Magnolia June.”
There are “awe’s” from everyone in the room except Gran. She gives a tight-lipped smile, and I know she sees right through me.
After passing her around for what feels like an hour, the room finally clears to just Gran and me. She sits on the edge of the bed, smiling down at Magnolia in my arms.
“Magnolia, huh?”
I can’t meet her gaze.
I’ve never met anyone who can read every thought in my head like she can.
“Uh-huh.”
“Ashton, I’m so proud of you.” She squeezes my arm. “He’s missing out on two very special girls.”
Tears prick my eyes, and I finally lift them to hers.
“You know, your grandpa and I used to sit under that tree.” She gives me a sad smile. “The first time I saw you two out there, it reminded me of us.”
I wipe a stray tear with my shoulder.
“Heartache is so painful, my dear, but what a gift it is to experience a love so deep.” She takes a breath.
“When I lost him, it felt like a great injustice, but as time has passed, I’ve realized I was so lucky.
Even if I didn’t get fifty years with him, I got a love that most never experience.
I know you only got one summer with that boy, but what a special summer you had. ”
I let the tears flow as Gran wraps her arms around me. It was a special summer, and looking down at the perfect child in my arms, I have no regrets.