Chapter 45 Gabe
GABE
OCTOBER PRESENT DAY
I’d tear off my own damn arm to start over with Ash.
When I brought her back to my apartment, I planned to tell her I was leaving the Riders.
Then I got wrapped up in the moment. How could I not?
She was looking at me like she did before I fucked everything up.
I figured I’d tell her the next morning.
When I woke up and she was gone, the world came crashing down around me.
The whole time I thought we were starting a new chapter, she was closing the book.
After what happened with her dad, I needed to get out of there. I would have killed him, but that feels like it should be up to Shane. He made his choice tonight.
I’m standing in the kitchen when someone knocks. Padding over to the door, I grumble under my breath. I’m not in the fucking mood to deal with anyone.
Swinging open the door, all the air leaves my lungs.
Ash offers me a tight smile. With her hands clasped in front of her, she asks, “Can I come in?”
This would be a great time to say no. To say, I just need some space. Please give me a fucking break because I can’t be near you without my chest caving in and my head spinning.
But I love her. So instead, I move to the side and say, “Uh. Sure.”
“Listen, Gabriel—”
Yeah, I can’t fucking do this again. I need her out of here before I explode.
“Ash—” Pressing my fingers in my eyes, I say, “If you didn’t come here to tell me you’ve changed your mind, please let me be. I can’t do this tonight.”
We’ve done enough of this.
I take a step back. The last few months have settled into my bones, and I’m tired.
Tired of fighting back how I feel, tired of thinking we might get to the other side only to be disappointed, and tired of pretending I don’t love her with every fiber of my being.
I don’t know who I am without my club, but more than that, I don’t know who I am without her.
“I…” She takes a deep breath. “I think I might have been wrong.”
I’m not sure where she’s going with this, so I just stare at her. Hoping to hear words from her mouth is not the same as actually hearing them, and hoping left me waking up alone last time.
“I’m afraid of what it’ll look like if this doesn’t work. I’m afraid of what Maggie’s life will look like if we explode again.”
There it is. The same fucking shit—around we go. I put my hands of my hips and sigh. “Yeah, you’ve said that.”
“No, I know. I just—” She stares at her feet. “I realized tonight that I might also be afraid of what my life looks like without you.”
A tear rolls down her cheek as she snaps her eyes back to mine.
My breath catches in my throat and my pulse quickens. I can’t take more heartbreak from this girl. She’s fucking killing me.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…” She squeezes her eyes shut, covering them with her fingers. “Shit, I don’t know what I’m saying. I just don’t want to get hurt again.” Stepping toward me, she places a hand on my face. “The thing is, being away from you really hurts, too.”
Another tear falls, and I can’t stop myself from wiping it away with my thumb. Call it self-preservation but I still don’t know if I’m sure why she’s here.
“Did you quit the Riders?” she asks.
I try to say yes, but it gets caught in my throat, so I nod.
The air between us grows thick as she stares at me like she’s trying to decide what to do next.
A steady beat thrums in my ears while I wait for her to choose our fate once again.
Then, as if she can tell that I’m about to implode, her lips crash into mine, and that’s it. It’s almost palpable the moment we both give up.
Pulling back, I mutter, “Are you sure? Because I can’t stand to lose you again. If this isn’t for real, you have to go. I love you, but I can’t—”
“I’m sure.” With tear streaks down her face she nods, a smile gracing her lips. “I’m so fucking sure.”
My shoulders relax and I let out a breath, grabbing her face and wiping away the tears. “Thank fucking God. I swear, no matter what happens, you’ll never have to do this alone.”
She nods.
“I love you, Ash.”
Her sobs are broken by a laugh as she says, “I’ve always loved you.”