Chapter 22
Carli
The morning’s weather was what Scottish people called ‘dreich’.
Once you lived in Scotland and learned that word, it was hard to forget as so many days fit the description perfectly.
When the iron sky hung low and a curtain of mist or drizzle hung over proceedings.
It could be atmospheric during the autumnal months, but much of the time dreich was the sort of weather you wanted to hunker away from under bedcovers or by the fireside.
‘Dreich today, huh?’ Carli said to Niall as his strong arms encased her from behind and he kissed the nape of her neck.
‘Aye,’ he said. ‘Minging. And those clouds over there are ominous little fuckers. The rain isn’t done with us yet, unfortunately. So, I was thinking…’ He turned to face her. ‘I’ll find us a hotel room, get cleaned up, and then I can leave you to carry on with your trip alone.’
‘Oh.’ Carli’s hopes plummeted. Why was he offering to leave her, after last night? She hoped it was the famous Butler manners.
‘Niall, come on. You made me a promise that last night was for starters.’
He beamed. ‘Okay, just checking, and you passed the test.’
‘Don’t test me like that again.’ She playfully slapped his arm. ‘Or you’ll pay.’
‘Is that so? And what would that payment be?’
‘That’s for me to know and you to take a risk on finding out.’
He laughed and buried his head in her hair. God, he was a rush. How could it be like this so quickly with him? So dangerously, addictively good.
‘Okay.’ Niall dabbed kisses in time with Carli’s pulse down her neck to the dip of her clavicle. ‘I’ll take down these tents and then we can erect something else somewhere else. I’ve a place in mind you’ll like. And I’m paying.’
Carli tried to protest. ‘No, I’ve budgeted for this holiday. And you’ve done enough.’
‘What, going down on you and sleeping next to you for one night? I can do better than that.’
‘It was good hospitality. I’d have given you four and a half stars.’
‘Four and a half? What are you knocking the bloody half star off for?’
‘For forgetting the condoms,’ she joked.
He leaned back and laughed. ‘I didn’t forget them. I had no idea I was going to need them. And don’t worry, we’ll be stopping off at the nearest shop and stocking up this morning.’
‘Great. And don’t worry. Four stars is giving you room for improvement. If I give you five stars, then it doesn’t set the bar high for today.’
‘Absolutely, although the bar in my mind is already set very fucking high.’
Carli’s breath hitched at the beauty of the place. Niall had driven them out onto a rocky outcrop of land where a pristine white lighthouse overlooked the mighty blue of the Irish Sea. Surrounding it was a small white lighthouse keeper’s cottage.
‘This is beyond stunning,’ she said. ‘How did I never notice this place?’
‘You probably did. It’s been cleaned up a bit since you were here and now it’s fancy holiday accommodation. I’ve booked a night in the cottage.’
‘Oh, Niall! Thank you. It’s absolutely beautiful here. I’m blown away, almost literally. It’s kind of windy.’
As a counterpoint to the wind, the cottage was a cosy little chocolate box with a wood-burning stove and vintage velvet couches in the lounge. Carli didn’t get to explore any more because Niall stole her attention by taking her hand and pulling her to him.
‘Come here.’ His eyes twinkled – a spark of promise she wanted to turn to fire. But something had set into Carli already. After a late night and the stress of the drive, she had twinges of pain and her body was crying for rest.
‘I might have a nap and a bath first.’
‘Want some company,’ Niall asked, stroking her hair. It almost cancelled out the need for a nap. Almost.
‘It’s okay. Maybe we can have lunch and…’ Carli edged backwards and flopped into one of the armchairs.
Niall scrutinised her, like he knew she was avoiding something. ‘Do you not want to?’ He hunkered down in front of her. ‘Because if you don’t, then you only have to say.’
‘No, I do want to. I… I’m a bit tired and could do with a little rest first. It’s the jet lag.’ Blaming it on the jet lag was injudicious. It was an excuse with a rapidly approaching use-by-date.
‘Okey dokey,’ Niall conceded. ‘I’ll wait until the jet lag is gone and tough old Cass is back on the scene.’
She froze. Tough old Cass. Niall wasn’t to know, but he’d called her possibly the worst thing he could.
The use of that word – tough – bothered her, because what did tough mean?
What Niall meant was old Carli would have raced up a hill or had a play fight or sex whenever she felt like it, and that constituted tough.
Physical resilience was toughness; the obviously visible was strength.
And Niall had no idea that ‘tough old Carli’ the girl he’d fallen for, wouldn’t ever be back on the scene.
He must have seen that he’d hit a nerve.
‘What did I say?’ He pulled over a footstool to sit on and implored the truth from her with his willingness to listen.
But she wasn’t ready for this. Not nearly ready for it, for the discussion about her health problems. She was only finding her feet with him again and needed time to work out how to approach what would normally be the dating euthanasia conversation.
Because, the thing was, Niall was different.
Whatever this was between them, Carli didn’t want to euthanise it.
But she didn’t want him to kill it either. Fuck.
‘It’s nothing,’ she said.
‘Why does that feel like a big fat lie?’ Niall ran his hand over his jaw. ‘You’re not telling me something here, Cass. Can you be honest, please? What’s changed?’
‘I’ve changed, Niall.’ The words tripped out of her, taking control in a way she wasn’t sure she was ready for.
‘Since last night? Since the car journey?’
‘No. Oh, it doesn’t matter.’ Carli was exhausted, her bones were aching and the last thing she wanted was this conversation when she was at a low ebb.
‘It matters.’ Niall voice was as solid as the headland.
He moved his stool closer to her chair and placed his palms on her knees.
‘You matter to me. So much. I’m sure you have changed since we were together.
I’ve changed, too, but this thing between us appears to be exactly the fucking same and it makes me ache for you when I’m a foot away.
So, if you don’t want to go any further, then tell me why because otherwise I don’t believe you. ’
She wanted to tell him. So much, but the words were like glue in her throat. Stuck. She couldn’t bear to say them again, not to Niall. Not to drive away the man she also ached for when he was within touching distance.
Oh, spit it out. Why is this so hard?
‘It’s been a while since I slept with anyone and the last time wasn’t exactly fun.’ As the words fell, she watched Niall’s brow furrowing, a rare darkness possessing his gaze.
‘What happened? Did someone do something to you?’
‘It’s hard to explain.’ Carli scraped her palm up and down the velvet of the chair arm. Maybe she shouldn’t have got into this. She could have had a bath and then seen where things went. But this conversation with Niall was inevitable at some stage. She just desperately didn’t want to have it.
‘No one did anything to me, as such. I…um… I have a medical condition. It’s a chronic illness called Fibromyalgia, and it leaves me in pain and exhausted. So sometimes sex is hard or not on the cards at all. The last guy I was seeing didn’t exactly understand.’
The seriousness on Niall’s face at her revelation was something Carli hadn’t been expecting. Disgust maybe, but not this concentrated intensity. Not the darkness flaring in his pupils.’
‘How did he treat you?’ His emphasis was very much on the ‘how’.
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Oh, it does matter. We’re having this conversation now because it happened and it matters because you matter, Cass.
If some guy has mistreated you, that matters a fuck load.
’ Niall scraped his hand through his hair and eyeballed Carli with the intensity she’d always known burned below his surface.
It was as if he was tearing himself apart for letting her go through life with other men who treated her badly.
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Long story short, he didn’t care if I was in pain or not. He’d either forge on ahead to make sure he got to the finish line or go in the huff and make it clear he was unsatisfied.’
Niall stared at her, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Although the wonderful thing was that despite being obviously furious, he didn’t take the floor. He let her talk.
‘So, I tried to talk to him about it, but he said that it was holding him back. He was in the prime of his life and things should be better than they were. That ended, thankfully. But it’s left me a bit mentally scarred, and I now tend to not get beyond date two before I open up about the Fibro and let them work out what things might be like. I call it dating euthanasia.’
‘Dating euthanasia?’ Niall blinked hard. ‘Am I the next patient?’
‘Oh, Niall.’ Carli reached for his hand but he kept it by his side.
‘What does “Oh Niall” mean? I don’t want to be put to sleep, Cass.
I want to sleep with you. To make sure you have a good time.
I will make damned sure that it doesn’t hurt you, and it will be on your terms. Guaranteed.
And before you protest, let me tell you something…
’ He brought his hand out from hiding and folded it round hers.
‘I would rather we had a thousand stalled attempts at sex than never get to be with you again. That’s unimaginable for me now. ’
Carli nodded, lost for words at the way he’d understood her reservations without being told them explicitly.
‘Would you come here.’ Niall reached out and she shuffled forward in the chair to meet him. Instinctively, she lifted her legs and swung them round his waist as he pulled her onto his lap. ‘I’ve got you, okay? It’s never going to be like that with us.’