Chapter 28
Carli
Carli had always found returning to the Butler family home comforting.
Walking up the long gravel driveway to visit Niall, the heavy front door opening into the wide hallway with its warm lamps and soft carpeting.
The sound of laughter coming from somewhere in the house, usually the kitchen where she might find Jamie and Cal laughing when they were meant to be doing their homework, or Sean and Niall doing impressions of their schoolteachers, or Nate telling his sisters who they were and were not allowed to date, the answer being that no one was good enough.
And there were times she’d arrive with Niall and he’d take her somewhere they could be alone and chat about the day, usually his mother’s library.
Today, the house lacked that warmth when they entered. The heating was off as Amanda was at the hospital. Nobody else lived here now. Only Amanda and Jimmy, and the carer who often stayed over.
But somehow, the Butler siblings managed to fill the cold, empty space with their own personalities and love. Carli was glad, for Niall’s sake, that they had all decided to come back to the family home. Jamie, Alicia, Sean and now Cal and Bea who had arrived from Edinburgh with Eilidh and Cara.
‘Where’s Nate?’ Niall asked of the only missing Butler sibling.
‘He’s gone back to the rescue centre to check on the animals,’ said Jamie. ‘And make sure they get fed. Said he’d come along shortly with fish suppers.’
When Nate arrived, the kitchen was spilling with warmth from the heat of the Rayburn and the energy and love of Niall’s brothers and sisters. As Nate placed two bags filled with paper packages onto the large table, the space was immediately filled with the delicious smell of fish and chips.
‘Tuck in, guys. I’m going to get someone from the car.’
‘Someone? No way!’ Cara’s face lit up. ‘You decided to give up the sad, single mountain man life at last?’
‘I’m hardly up a mountain, Cara.’ Nate smiled. ‘And no. It’s not a woman, so don’t get your hopes up. It’s a male, actually.’
‘A male?’ A baffled Cara headed to the kitchen window to see the mystery guest. ‘Oh, my God!’ she squealed. ‘Check out the guy Nate’s brought with him!’
Moments later, Nate entered the kitchen with a small German shepherd puppy on a leash.
Niall jumped out of his seat. ‘Hey, is that Massimo?’
‘Aye, it’s wee Massimo. He’s also the most adventurous of the pups, and I figured he’d benefit from a wee trip out. You can take him for a walk, if you like.’
After their fish and chips, Carli, Niall and Massimo walked down to the beach, Niall carrying the pup who was only allowed to be on his paws for fifteen minutes. Once they reached the beach, Niall put him down on the sand and ran alongside him.
‘Come on, Mass,’ he called down to the puppy, ‘try to keep up with your Uncle Niall.’
Carli smiled, brimful of love. It was utterly adorable watching Niall tempering his own speed to keep in line with Massimo’s little legs.
‘You’ll be running the length of this beach in no time,’ Niall said. He jogged backwards, calling to Carli. ‘What’s your excuse? Come on!’
‘I’ve eaten a bellyful of fish and chips,’ she said. ‘I’ll leave the running to you strapping lads.’
‘Suit yourself. Come on, Mass. You can do it.’ Carli watched as Niall ran further up the beach with the dog, until they were far enough away from her that she couldn’t hear what Niall was saying, but her heart was still expanding with love for him.
When the puppy seemed to slow and Niall picked him up and kept on jogging, turning round to find her, her face broke into a beaming smile.
He was so bloody happy. It genuinely felt that, despite the sad news about his dad today, somehow, on this rugged and wild peninsula surrounded by the love of his family that Niall’s soul was mending.
Her gaze followed as he jogged over to a young man further down the beach and they both fussed over Massimo. When she caught up Niall was still chatting away nineteen to the dozen.
‘Hey, Cass, this is Kieran. He’s learning to surf. Kieran, this is Carli.’
‘Going to be surfing.’ Kieran corrected Niall. ‘When Niall can teach me.’
A glimmer of guilt flit across Niall’s features. Had he promised to teach this kid to surf? He must have done. But what was wrong with that?
‘Aye, it might be a wee bit since I’ll need to get a police check first,’ said Niall.
Police check. Wow! Those take time and aren’t the sort of thing you get if you aren’t sticking around.
Whether or not he had fully accepted it, it hit Carli in that moment that Niall wasn’t coming back to Australia, never mind Melbourne.
When they were together, she was all that mattered to him, but here in Kinshore, he was grounded and healing, and if they went back to Australia together, all that could fall away.
He might resent her for bringing him away from his security, for not offering to make any sacrifices herself.
But she couldn’t. Kinshore had been her home for some of her teens, but she’d built a world in Melbourne.
It was where everything was set up. She couldn’t risk her health, safety and belonging by making a change as big as moving to Scotland.
And to be fair, it was less upheaval for Niall, given that he lived in Australia already.
Could it be that they were destined to fail once again?
‘He doesn’t seem tired at all.’ Niall looked at Massimo in his arms as they headed back to the house. The pup was raring to go and excited by everything around him.
‘He reminds me of you,’ Carli observed.
‘Oh right, and how’s that? Let’s hear it.’
‘Excited but probably exhausted and doesn’t realise it.’
‘Ah, right. Well, the difference between me and Massimo is that I do realise I’m exhausted.
But he’ll go to sleep when he’s told, whereas I’ll probably stay up all night doing bad things to you.
’ He leaned into her. ‘I’ll have a shower and wash off the hospital and the dog first. You can join me if you like. ’
‘You still smell pretty good to me. Salty and beachy like always. Eau de Niall.’
‘Cheap and cheerful.’
‘Yeah. Listen, when we get back to the house, let’s go somewhere and talk.’
‘Uh-oh. This sounds ominous.’ There were traces of concern in Niall’s voice, but he was too enamoured with the puppy to fully take in the implications of the imminent conversation.
In fact, he seemed to forget entirely, as with Massimo returned to his crate, Niall sat back down at the table with his siblings and engaged in chatter and fun with them once more.
She could leave it for now, but worries were blazing around Carli’s brain.
Niall’s family were wonderful, but if they weren’t going to be her family, she couldn’t get attached to them again.
She caught Niall’s eye across the table and the happiness on his face froze a little.
She nodded back towards the door and he stood up.
‘’Scuse us for a minute,’ he said.
Out in the hall, Carli leaned against the wall. He moved forward, large frame eclipsing her. ‘What’s up, Cass?’ He might be tall, but his voice was low with concern.
‘I can’t do this, Niall.’
‘Sorry, what? Can’t do what?’
‘This. That. Sit in there with your family like I’m part of the picture when I can’t be.’
His eyes darkened and narrowed with confusion. ‘What are you talking about, not part of the picture? Of course you’re part of the picture. You’ve always been part of the picture.’
‘I can see things you can’t. Can we go somewhere else?’ The sounds of the siblings chattering in the kitchen wasn’t the best backdrop for what might be a devastating conversation.
‘Um, sure.’ Niall’s face was drawn with concern. ‘The library?’
She bit her lip. The library was where they had made fond memories. She didn’t want it to be a place of sadness. But what did it matter? If this was the end again then it was the end forever, so it didn’t matter where it ended.
‘Sure.’
‘Are you about to end it?’ Niall asked, suddenly.
Carli’s heart boomed out of her chest. ‘Can we talk in the library?’
Niall swallowed hard, but the voice that came out was non-negotiable, like neolithic rock. ‘No. Talk here.’
‘Maybe you need to be here with them.’ She motioned into the kitchen. ‘You want to be with me but maybe that’s not what you need.’
‘You think I need my family more than you?’ Niall’s voice held challenge.
‘Well, most people don’t have to make that choice, but when it comes down to it and your personal circumstances right now, possibly you do.
Your dad is dying, he’s been the central force in your life, even if you don’t realise it.
You should be around your brothers and sisters in this place where you’re so grounded.
Niall, you’re mending here. It’s obvious.
Even that kid on the beach is part of the deal.
You want to give back to the place that raised you. I can read your heart.’
‘Oh, you can, can you?’
‘Kind of yeah.’
‘Aye, well you clearly can’t read it very well because in here…’ Niall thumped at his chest with his fist. ‘Is you. Okay?’
‘Um…okay.’
‘You think you aren’t part of the reason I’m mending? Come on, woman. Wise up, as Mr McInally used to say.’
Carli tipped her head to the side. ‘You’re bringing him into this?’
‘To prove my point, yes.’ Niall’s gaze was so raw with betrayal that Carli was practically pinned to the wall by it, so when he held out his hand and said, ‘Come with me,’ it was like he was dragging her out of a stupor.
Nonetheless, she took it – the warm, slightly rough touch comforting her – and let him lead her to the stairs, ascending without argument.
‘This isn’t the way to the library.’ She sounded like a feeble heroine in one of the old-fashioned romance books Niall’s mum owned.
‘We’re taking a detour.’