Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I felt so lost. I wandered around the park for a while, sitting on the bench, watching the ducks like I usually did, but it gave me no peace. The paper burned in my pocket but I refused to take it out and contact the older brother I’d never met.
My phone started to ring. It was Sophie. I couldn’t bring myself to answer it so I held it in my hands. She had called once before already, but I hadn’t called her back.
A voicemail pinged. I listened to it.
“It’s me. Why haven’t you called me back? Are you okay? Please, call me back.”
I wanted to call her but I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it together. I let out a heavy emotional breath before I dialed my sister. It rang once and she answered it.
“Where have you been? You started to worry me when you didn’t return my phone call.”
My throat was thick with emotion and I was finding it difficult to answer her.
“Tracy?”
The concern in her voice brought all the emotions I had pent up to the surface and I took a shaky breath .
“Tracy, is everything okay?”
I tilted my face to the sky to try and rein in my tears so I could at least answer her.
“Tracy?”
“I’m okay,” I managed.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, taking note of the distress in my voice.
I let out a deep breath, barely keeping a handle on my emotional state. “I have some…stuff…I’m dealing with.”
It was the only explanation she was going to get at the moment.
“Tell me what’s happening.”
Usually she was the person I told everything to, but this time I couldn’t.
“I can’t. I need time to figure things…out.”
There were a few moments of silence.
“I’m going to come over and we can talk,” she insisted, but I shook my head. She was moving too fast and I wasn’t ready.
“I can’t.” My eyes burned and I could barely swallow.
“Tracy.”
“I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk about it. I have to go.” I ended the call before she could argue.
My phone began to ring again and I knew I had made a mistake contacting her. She wouldn’t stop until she knew what was wrong.
I was tired and my stomach was grumbling. I wiped away a few tears before sniffling. What do I do now? What if she was already on her way to my apartment?
Where did I go now when I didn’t feel like I had anyone to turn to?
I’d never felt so alone in the world. I began to formulate a plan when I hurried back to my apartment.
I would pack a bag. Where would I go? I could check into a hotel but I would have to ensure I lost the bodyguard who I was sure my brother and Mark still had watching me.
If I had managed to lose them before, I knew I could do it again.
It was the only way to get some peace while I tried to work through my turmoil so I would be able to confront my parents.
I didn’t want to say something I would regret in the heat of the moment.
I had to have a long, hard think about it and allow myself to work through the feelings of betrayal.
Otherwise, there would be no way to come away from the confrontation with my family still intact.
When I got to my apartment, I opened the door and closed it, throwing the keys on the nearby table. I was about to rush into my room when I stopped.
Mark stood with his arms crossed in my living room.
“You broke in?” I gasped. I felt violated. He had agreed to give me space.
“You left me with no choice. You won’t talk and we have been worried out of our minds.” He stalked over to me, and I backed up.
“What happened?” He indicated the mess of photos still scattering the ground. I hadn’t been able to touch them again.
I shrugged.
“You can’t treat the people you love like this, Tracy. Does this have to do with the whole blowout about me telling Matt about Jack?”
I closed my eyes briefly, wishing that was my only issue, but no wishing would take away the revelation I had discovered.
He grabbed me firmly by the arms and shook me slightly. It undid me and tears raced down my face.
“Speak to me,” he demanded.
I shook my head and felt his hands tighten. He couldn’t make me.
“I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he bit out. His eyes flared with anger and I knew I was pushing him but I refused to be bullied into something I wasn’t ready for.
“The same way you wouldn’t tell me what was the matter when you were trying to drink yourself into a coma,” I shot back defiantly.
The realization hit his features and he relaxed his hold.
“You’re hurting your family.” He released me. “And I won’t let you do that to them.”
Family. The word tore through me. I let out a shaky breath.
He studied me. “I gave you some space but it’s time to get your shit together.”
“I don’t have to listen to you. You don’t get to tell me what to do, remember?”
He rubbed his jaw. I was making him angrier but I didn’t care. I was feeling reckless and uncooperative.
“You’re being an immature bitch.”
That hurt. I didn’t want him to think that of me but I pushed against the temptation to reveal everything.
I reached for my phone. “Get out now or I’ll call the cops.”
He studied me. Maybe he was trying to gauge how serious I was.
“I’m done.” He strode to the door. “Maybe your brother can reach you.”
He slammed the door behind him. I sank against the door, feeling like I had lost something I couldn’t explain.
I had to get out of here before Matthew or Sophie showed up. I wanted time to prepare how I was going to break it to them. As far as I was concerned, they were as innocent as I was and I didn’t want to cause them unnecessary pain.
With a feeling of determination, I went to my room and reached for some clothes, shoving them in a duffel bag. I made sure I still had the note with Sebastian’s number. The urge to get out of my apartment before my brother or Sophie showed up made me pack in a matter of a few minutes.
I closed the door and locked it. Instead of hurrying out the usual way, I decided to go out the back way. There was no guarantee there wasn’t someone watching that exit as well but it was worth a shot.
Feeling emotionally strung out and tired, I checked into a nearby hotel under a false name. It didn’t take long to get a key and when I made it into the room, I dropped the bag in the hallway and headed straight to the bed to curl up into a ball.
All I could think about was Mark and how angry he was. Immature bitch? It was a low blow but I could see, without knowing the truth, he would think I was being unfair. I told myself it didn’t matter what he thought but the truth was his opinion of me mattered, more than it should.
I wanted to believe once I sorted this out that I would have a chance to get my life back to normal even if that normal was different than what it had been before. I hugged the pillow when I thought about my parents. The betrayal was still too raw and deep to be able to think of them without anger.
I didn’t even know if my father knew. Was there a chance he had no idea? I wanted to hope that he had no idea but logically I knew it was probably not the case.
Needing something to eat, I raided the mini fridge. Instead of food I went straight for the alcohol. I needed something to numb the pain. I downed a couple of small bottles. When it warmed my stomach and I felt it seep into my limbs, I lay back down on the bed and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning my mood hadn’t improved. The slight headache from the alcohol only made me more tired and grumpy. I couldn’t hide out in the hotel room forever. I had work to do and I couldn’t keep rescheduling. It would soon impact my income I needed.
But where did I start? I studied the paper that Gabriel had given me with Sebastian’s number. There had been a couple of times I had nearly built up the courage to call but I had chickened out at the last minute.
What did I say to a brother I had never met? I had spent hours thinking over it and I couldn’t come up with anything.
I picked up my phone. There were some missed calls from Matthew and Sophie but Mark hadn’t called at all.
A message pinged and I selected it. It was from an unknown number.
Hi Tracy. I know I should wait for you to contact me but I wanted to know how you’re doing? Sebastian.
My lip trembled. I touched the screen. Maybe this was a case of doing it quickly and it would be more painless than trying to do it bit by bit. The message gave me the courage to dial the number and wait for him to answer.
“Tracy,” he answered.
It felt awkward. “Hi.”
What did I say now?
“I hope I didn’t overstep the line when I texted you.”
“No…it’s fine.” I paused.
“I know this has to be a lot for you to process so I don’t want to push you too soon.”
I listened, biting my bottom lip.
“I just thought it might help you to know we can’t wait to meet you.”
It made me feel more emotional, but in a good way. I was wanted.
“But what about your mom?” I whispered. Shouldn’t my existence be a reminder of something she would rather forget?
“My mom has had time to come to terms with what happened and she is just as excited as Cole and I are to meet with you.”
Cole. My other brother.
“You still there?” he prompted when the silence stretched on.
“Yes…yeah. It’s just, I’m not handling this very well.” It was th e first time I had someone to talk to about it. I slipped off the bed and walked to look out the window.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through but it might help if we meet up. You can talk and I can listen.”
I hesitated.
“If you’re not ready I understand. We can take this as slowly as you need.” The understanding and reassurance in his voice blanketed me and I felt like I had someone on my side again.
Deep down I wasn’t sure how Mark would have reacted if I had told him.
“I’m ready,” I breathed. I wanted to meet him. “But just you.”
“I get it. You okay to meet up later today or would you like to wait for tomorrow?”
He was giving me the choice.
“Later today. I need a couple of hours.”
“Sure. Text me where you want to meet up and I’ll see you then.”
“I will.”