Chapter 13
HONOR
“How are you doing today, Honor?” Dr. Williams asks. Her eyes and voice matching her curiosity at seeing the man sitting next to me.
I fidget with my fingernails in front of me. Unsure if I’d made the right choice last night. But I stuck with it.
This morning, Savage even gave me the chance to back out of him going with me . . . I didn’t. So, here the two of us are sitting across from Dr. Williams.
Last night, he’d opened up to me in a way I never expected he’d do.
Not in a million years. He shocked me with what happened in his past, and my heart hurts for what he lost. He didn’t talk much about his fiancée, and it makes me wonder, but it’s not my place to ask.
Savage didn’t have to share what he did as it is and him doing it is something to cherish. Which I will. I’ll hold close to it.
We ended up going out to the main room of the clubhouse, where my brother engulfed me in his large frame. He bent enough to put his face in my neck, and I knew he was on the verge of losing it. I could sense it, but it was his deep voice that gave him away as he whispered in my ear.
“Can’t lose you, Honor. I lose you, it’ll gut me. You’re all I have left of them. Of the past. Need you with me, little sister. My daughter needs you, and the one on the way needs you.”
Those words hit me hard, and I realize all the more that what I did would have hurt the people around me.
I knew before. I knew when Savage told me about his sister and what it did to him.
But hearing my brother . . . yeah, those words rocked me.
If I’d succeeded in doing what I wanted, I’d have left Gunner in the same boat as Savage was left.
Blinking, I clear my throat to answer. “I went out yesterday with Delaney and Glacier. Glacier took us to get our hair done and food.”
“That’s good. Did you have a good time?”
“I was scared out of my mind,” I admit, dropping my gaze from the other woman’s.
“That’s to be expected.” Dr. Williams nods. “But you did it and that’s a great start.”
I nod. “It was hard letting someone do my hair. Having someone touch . . .” I shudder at the thought.
“What did you feel after they finished your hair?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug with a sigh. “I guess exhausted, and we went back to the clubhouse where I went to my room and fell asleep.”
I lift my gaze to Dr. Williams to find she’s looking between Savage and me. Her eyes lock with mine, and she gives me a small smile.
“You’ve brought Savage here today. What does it make you feel with him here?”
I lick my lips nervously and tense.
“Honor, if you want me to step out, I can,” Savage states softly.
I shake my head in answer to him, but don’t look in his direction. “When I woke up yesterday evening, it was with Savage holding me. For the first time, I realized I’d felt safe. I knew with him there, nothing would happen to me. He’d protect me.”
“How did you know that?” Dr. Williams cocks her head to the side slightly.
I drop my gaze back to my lap and stare at my hands, fidgeting my fingers. “I remember.” Clearing my throat, I swallow past the lump thickening. “It’s fuzzy, but I remember Savage being there for me. Not at the hospital but at . . .” My voice trails off, and a tear spills down my cheek.
“He rescued you after you were attacked.”
“Yes,” I utter with a jerky nod. “I remember his voice . . . talking to me.”
“And then you woke up at the hospital?”
Again, I nod.
“Savage, you came with Honor today at her request?”
“Yeah,” Savage answers gruffly.
“Tell me, what happened to Honor, how did that make you feel?”
“I don’t do this who therapy bullshit,” he answers, disgruntled.
“But I’ll tell you this, when it comes to Honor, she means something to me.
She makes me feel when I didn’t have anything else in my life worth feeling for except for the club.
What she went through then. What I didn’t find out until last night, well, that shit hit way too close to fuckin’ home for me.
If I could I’d make it so she never went through it in the first place, but I can’t do that.
What I can do is be there for her and give her what she fuckin’ needs to get through it and to the other side of it.
I’ll make sure she doesn’t feel another ounce of fear again. ”
My heart skips a beat at his answer, even though I still feel confused by him. He went from acting like I don’t exist to now this. I don’t know how to come to terms with it.
Dr. Williams stares briefly at Savage, shifts in her seat, and nods as she looks in my direction. “I think it’s time you go home,” she announces. My eyes widen and stiffen.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” I whisper.
“Maybe not, but I can see that with this man sitting right next to you, he’ll help you, and I’m sure your brother will as well.”
“But what about—”
“It won’t be easy,” she interrupts me. “It’ll be hard for you at first. You may even struggle with it.
But you have help. I know a couple of doctors in the area that will be able to take you.
You’ll still go to therapy, talk to someone.
Something else though is finding a normal.
It won’t be what you had before, but it’ll be a normal for you.
The fact you went out and were able to do so without freaking out is a great step forward. So, it’s time.”
“I . . .” I pause and think about what she said. I do miss home. Miss my family. “What about . . .” I don’t finish the question as I look at where I rub against one of my wrists.
“Are you worried someone will judge you for what you attempted to do?” Dr. Williams asks, and I nod.
Savage adjusts next to me and cups the back of my neck.
“No one in the club would dare judge you for something like this, baby. You know the ol’ ladies there.
You might not know the hell they’ve been through, they might not get what you endured, but still, they get you.
If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be who they are or with the men they’re with.
Furthermore, I won’t let anyone be disrespectful to you or make you feel shit for what happened. ”
“But I tried to kill myself.” The words are barely loud enough for either of them to hear me.
“Yeah, but you didn’t succeed,” Savage retorts.
“Honor, what you did, you acknowledge and want to overcome. You going home is a step in the right direction. I will give you a list of names of those I suggest you continue seeing. I’ll also give you my number and you can call me anytime you want,” Dr. Williams advises.
“Okay.” I nod.
The rest of the session is the same as it always is.
She and I talk. She treats it as if Savage isn’t there.
I’m aware of his closeness, but he also keeps quiet, listens, and doesn’t speak up anymore through the remainder of the time we spend in Dr. Williams’s office.
At the end, she gives me her number and a list of suggested doctors back home.
I’m not surprised she already has one ready and waiting for me.
Leaving the office, Savage keeps me tucked under his arm until we get to his bike. I have not ridden with anyone else but Gunner and Glacier, so I’m not exactly a newbie when it comes to being on a bike, but riding with Savage is completely new and feels more than a little intimate.
It’s somewhat nerve-racking, but still, I enjoy riding with him. Holding him as he speeds down the roads leading to the clubhouse. It’s like he’s one with his bike.
At the clubhouse, Savage helps me off, takes my helmet in one hand, and my hand in the other. Together, we go inside, and Delaney rushes me.
“How did it go?” she asks.
“It went okay,” I answer nervously as I take a breath and ready myself for breaking the news to her. “Dr. Williams thinks I should go home.”
“Oh.” Delaney blinks at me, eyes widening before she glances in Glacier’s direction. Bringing her gaze back to me, she asks. “Are you going to?”
I glance up at Savage, then back to her, and nod. “As much as the idea scares me, and I’m not sure I’m exactly ready, she’s right.”
Since coming here with me, I’ve seen the way Delaney looks at Glacier, and I know my best friend.
Savage releases me and, without a word, moves to where Gunner’s standing near Glacier and two other members of the Poseidon Warriors MC.
“Let’s go to my room,” I suggest, guessing this is something we need to talk about in private.
Delaney nods, and the two of us head to my room. Inside, we both curl up on my bed, sitting crossed-legged in front of each other.
“You don’t want to go back home, do you?” I blurt out the question, and again, Delaney nods.
“I really like it here.” She whispers, “I really like Glacier.”
“I know you do. I can see it in your face.” I smile softly. “If you want to stay, stay. Talk to Glacier, tell him. But Dr. Williams is right that to overcome what happened, I need to face it.”
“But isn’t it too fast?” Delaney asks.
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I know I’m not ready to face it. I don’t think I ever will be, but I’m hiding out here, and she says I need to find a normal for me. I won’t be able to do that unless I’m back home.”
“Are you going to do that with Savage?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. He confuses me, but he opened up to me about some things, and I trust him. He makes me feel safe.”
“Last night you didn’t scream in your sleep,” she murmurs, surprising me.
I think about what she said and after Savage and I came back to bed.
I’d gotten under the covers with him over them.
When I fell asleep it was in his arms. One of his hands massaging my scalp the other running along my spine.
I don’t remember waking up in the middle of the night and this morning I didn’t wake up exhausted. I also slept more than a few hours.
Delaney and I spend time talking, and I know she’s not going to come back with me. It’s heartbreaking, but she deserves to find her happy. If that’s with Glacier, then I’m thrilled she finds it.
I don’t know what will happen to me when I go back with Gunner and Savage, but it’s home and where I honestly belong. The thought scares me, but I’ll see it through.