Chapter 28
Zoe
“Why not?” I ask.
“You really want to be with me after that?” Bennett pulls his hand away.
I feel like a foolish little girl with a glittery unicorn diary and a silly crush. That’s actually similar to how I felt when I first met Bennett Chung, but once I got to know him, things changed.
I twist my hands and look down. “I know it’s not ideal for your parents to know the truth. It’s rather embarrassing that I wanted to fake a relationship, embarrassing that I went from one brother to the other in such a short period of time—”
“Clifton still had no right to talk like that.”
I’m not exactly sure what Clifton intended to call me.
I can think of at least a couple of options, none of them complimentary.
But before he could finish speaking, Bennett practically tackled him, and maybe it’s ridiculous, but a small part of me enjoyed seeing a man defend my honor.
It had never happened before, plus it was Bennett, who’s usually so composed in public.
It made me feel that, despite everything, it wasn’t wrong of me to hope. He does care for me. A lot. He’s still defending me, even though he turned me down.
“I know it’s not the best situation,” I say, “but in the time we’ve spent together, I’ve really come to…
” I swallow. I want to say “love,” but the word sticks in my throat.
“I really like you, Bennett. I want to be with you, and I suspect, deep down, you want the same thing. I can handle your parents knowing the truth.”
“Well, I can’t. Didn’t you see what happened? I almost—”
“Your brother is a piece of shit who was trying to provoke you. Don’t let him take this away from us.”
“Zoe,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I…can’t.” There’s a tremor in the last word, and it’s so unlike him.
“Please don’t say that.”
He stands up abruptly and looks down at me. His posture is rigid, and his expression hardens. I ache to reach out and comfort him, but I know he won’t allow it. He’s forcing himself to appear strong.
“It was only ever sex for me.” His voice is devastatingly cold.
Before I can reply, he stalks away.
The words linger in the air. I wait until I hear him shut the door to his office, then I run upstairs to the guest room, where I’ve barely spent any time lately.
I curl up on the bed with my sloth plushie, pull out my phone, and message the group chat.
It’s only once I’ve finished typing my account of what happened that I realize it never occurred to me to text Macy.
My impulse to talk to her whenever something big happens? It’s gone.
Fiona: WTAF. Men suck.
Despite everything, it’s my instinct to stand up for Bennett.
I know he was lying. I know he said it to hurt me; I’m convinced he was just trying to help me get over him. I have to believe that I mean something to him, that I didn’t completely misread the situation.
But it doesn’t really matter, does it? He still said no.
I put my heart on the line, and he crushed it.
I think some part of him is frightened, and my heart twists in anguish as I recall what happened to him.
I also know that Bennett is a formidable man.
If he has his mind set on something, there’s no point in trying to change it.
Sure, he might have changed his mind about kissing me on the lips, but it’s foolish to hope for more.
At the thought of our first kiss, I head to the desk, where our so-called relationship calendar sits. I drew little hearts on a few days.
The first time he touched me in the middle of the night.
The first time we had sex.
And that first kiss, of course.
I release an unsteady breath, and tears come to my eyes. I will them to stop—I don’t want to cry over him—but they just keep coming.
There’s a scratching sound at my door. It must be Mittens, though she’s never done this before. I let her in, then climb back on the bed. She lets me snuggle her close, as if knowing I need comfort, while I type on my phone.
Me: I don’t want to think about him anymore. Distract me.
Karina: Do you want to have another movie night next week?
Me: Yes! We can do it at my new place.
Fiona: Are you sure you’ll be ready for guests next weekend?
Me: Yeah
Claire: What about fish out of water in NYC? Like Enchanted?
Fiona: Or Splash?
Me: It’ll be December, so let’s watch Elf.
I know Karina hates Christmas movies, but she doesn’t protest.
I pack up the belongings I have at Bennett’s. It doesn’t take long.
Around seven thirty, I start to get hungry. I creep down the stairs, feeling like I’m doing something illicit. To my relief, I don’t see Bennett walking around, but there’s light coming from under his office door. My heart speeds up just at the knowledge that he’s nearby, and I hate it.
I boil water and pour it into a noodle cup. I decide to eat in my room, and it reminds me of our conversation about eating in the bedroom…and in bed. I shake my head before leaving the kitchen.
Back in the guest room, I choke down the noodles, but they taste like wet cardboard.
Mittens is still here, and when I flop on the bed after dinner, she joins me.
Unsure what else to do, I take out one of my old diaries and start reading.
I soon come to the part where I wrote “revenge” in gel pen and underlined it three times—as my mom told me over the phone.
My desire for revenge. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place. If I hadn’t tried to seek revenge on Clifton, then I never would have met Bennett. I would have slept on a series of different couches until I managed to secure an apartment. I wouldn’t be silently crying in heartbreak.
Yes, I’m more heartbroken now than I ever was over Clifton, even though Bennett and I only knew each other for two months and we never technically dated.
With Clifton, I was just pissed. It didn’t feel like there was a gaping pit in my chest; it didn’t feel like too much effort to breathe. How did Bennett get under my skin?
But as torn up as I am, revenge isn’t on my mind.
Revenge for what? Falling in love with him?
I was never supposed to develop feelings. They weren’t part of the plan.
Yet I can’t seem to regret the series of events that led me to Bennett. I can’t regret the hare-brained scheme that I concocted two months ago; I can’t regret that he became so important to me. It’s just too hard to imagine what my life would be like—what I’d be like—if he were never a part of it.
God, I’m such a wreck.
When I turn out the lights, there’s nobody next to me. Even though I slept in this bed for a month, it feels unfamiliar now.
Unfamiliar and wrong.
I think of Bennett, alone in his bedroom. Perhaps he’s able to sleep tonight, unlike me, and isn’t affected by my absence.
But at one in the morning, I hear him walk down the stairs.
I stay in the guest room and sob until I fall asleep.
Monday morning, I make a point of not going downstairs until I hear Bennett leave. When I pad into the kitchen, I find a note telling me to leave the keys with the neighbor. There’s also coffee for me in the coffeemaker, and that causes something to clench in my chest.
Oh god. I’m going to miss him so much.
But what else could I do? I told him how I felt. I told him that despite what happened with his family, I want to be together.
He still said no.
I wonder if it was partly the fear of losing me, like he lost Ginny. However, I can’t promise that something similar will never happen to me. Because…you just never know.
I have breakfast. I drink coffee out of my llamacorn mug in his kitchen for the last time. Then I wash the mug and take it upstairs.
The movers with a cube van—I don’t need a big truck for my belongings—arrive at ten. Once my stuff is in the van, I give Mittens one last pet, lock the door, and take the keys to the neighbor.
The next stop is my old apartment. The movers load up the furniture from my bedroom, which is all exactly as I left it: bed, dresser, desk, night-table, and small bookcase.
Macy isn’t home. After I lock the door, I leave the keys with the concierge, as I told her I’d do. We had so many good times together, but I won’t dwell on them. Nor will I dwell on the times she took advantage of my kindness.
I will look forward, not back.
By early afternoon, everything has been moved into my small one-bedroom apartment. I do some unpacking, then order a kitchen table and couch, to be delivered on Saturday morning. I also order a TV, and Karina offers to bring me an old TV stand on Saturday evening.
Yes, my new life is coming together, but I don’t feel as happy as I should. Bennett is still constantly on my mind, and when I put my favorite coffee mug in the cupboard, I’m hit with a wave of sorrow.
Karina is the first of my friends to arrive. She helps me set up the TV and doesn’t ask why I’m not smiling. She’s wearing all black, while I’m wearing a suitably festive sweater, since we’re watching a Christmas movie today.
I can’t help wondering if Bennett’s little tree is still up and if Mittens has knocked off any ornaments. I don’t think I’ll get a tree of my own this year.
“Zoe?”
I blink and look at Karina. Has she been trying to get my attention for a while?
“What?” I ask.
“Do you want me to open the wine?”
“Yeah, sure. Wine sounds good.”
Karina pours me a generous amount and clinks her glass against mine without a word.
Fiona, Dawn, and Claire arrive a few minutes later. Fiona has brought a chocolate cake with “Happy new apartment!” written in icing.
“Why should buying a whole cake be just a birthday thing?” she asks. “You deserve it.”
Soon, we’re all drinking and stuffing ourselves with cake, and I find myself laughing and smiling. It still feels a little like I’m going through the motions, but that’s okay.
I’ll get there. Eventually.
“You know what we should do in January?” Fiona says. “Watch one of my great-grandmother’s movies.”
Everyone freezes. I have a forkful of cake halfway between my plate and my mouth.
Dawn is the first to speak. “Did you just say your great-grandmother made movies? Was she an actress? And why didn’t you tell us before?”
Fiona seems to be enjoying our shock. “Yes, she was an actress in Hollywood, a hundred years ago.” She doesn’t answer the last question.
“Just to be clear—your great-grandma was Asian, right?”
Fiona nods.
“The Chinese or the Japanese side?” Claire asks.
“Chinese,” Fiona replies.
Naturally, we have many more questions, and I enjoy the distraction. I appreciate having something new and interesting to think about, something that isn’t my own heartbreak. I wonder if this has anything to do with Fiona’s childhood dream of being an actress.
As we squeeze onto my new couch and start Enchanted, I feel grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life.
When I wake up on Sunday and have to make my own coffee for the sixth morning in a row, I wrap my arms around myself, trying to hug the pain away.
But it’s no substitute for having Bennett next to me.