Chapter 5 #2
She was tempted to rip the gossipy resident a new one.
Or to stomp out of the OR, ripping her cap and gown off in a fury.
Something, anything that might let her let off some of the boiling anger that threatened to overtake her.
The exhaustion that had lurked behind her throughout the pneumonectomy was far away now, she couldn’t be less in need of a nap if she tried.
As for the protein shake she’d considered, Victoria thought now if she had so much as a sip of one, her rage would bring it right back up, and she would choke on it.
I must get out of here. But calmly, rationally. She must not give in to her anger, must not be seen to break down. She would give that idiot resident no further satisfaction.
Then she looked up.
There in the observation room overlooking the OR was Dr. Anna Monroe, eyes wide, face concerned, seeing everything.
Victoria’s jaw clenched so hard, she was afraid she might crack a tooth.
Holding tight to the last shreds of her control with teeth and toenails, she stalked out of the OR, ripping her protective gear off as she went and stuffing it into the bins.
Then she made a beeline for the stairway that would lead up to the observation deck.
She all but collided with Anna at the halfway point. “How dare you,” Victoria began in a hiss.
“You look like hell,” Anna shot back, then recoiled as if she couldn't believe she had said any such thing, her hand clapping over her mouth as her eyes widened. “No, I’m so sorry—”
“Are you sorry for stalking me again? Spying on me while I work? Jesus.” Victoria threw her hands into the air, then clapped them over her head, turning to pace around the corridor. “What would it take to get you to leave me alone?”
“A clean bill of mental health,” Anna replied, her voice low.
When Victoria turned to gape at her, Anna’s fingers were twisted together, a white-knuckled knot.
She took a long, deep breath and stood up very straight, shaking her auburn ponytail back over her shoulder.
“Which I cannot give you based on what I’ve been seeing. What I saw today.”
That arrested Victoria in her tracks. “What you saw today was a perfectly executed pneumonectomy. Absolutely textbook from start to finish.”
“I saw you freeze, Dr. Ellis,” Anna said quietly.
“I didn’t,” Victoria began, then stopped, because she had no way to deny something that had happened in front of dozens of people.
“I saw… was it Dr. Proctor? The woman next to you. She seemed concerned while you were stitching your patient up.” Stepping forward, Anna brought herself so close to Victoria that the heady scent of her spicy, rose-heavy perfume filled Victoria’s nostrils, making her head swim. “Were your hands shaking?”
“I—”
“Have you eaten?” Anna’s brown eyes were dark and wide, nakedly concerned. “Slept at all?”
Victoria took a step back. “Stop it.”
“Victoria,” Anna said, and the use of her name rather than her title shocked Victoria to the core. It seemed to surprise Anna as well, who paused and untangled her fingers before continuing on. “Who is Hilary Jensen?”
The name out of nowhere, the last thing Victoria ever expected to hear from the therapist plaguing her life… it hit her in the stomach like a punch, almost feeling like it could have left a bruise behind, it was so hard. “What the fuck?”
“What happened when you had Hilary Jensen on your operating table?” Anna’s eyes were now slightly terrified, yet she pressed on, stepping forward again, crowding Victoria. “Six months ago. A CABG surgery. Just like Daniel Jennings. It went wrong, just like Daniel Jennings.”
Panic clawed at Victoria’s throat as all the memories she had been holding back with both of her increasingly fragile hands burst containment. “You’re not… you can’t…”
Hilary, standing in her office. I came to you because you’re the best, the only person I trust to fix this rickety old ticker of mine.
Hilary, sitting up in her hospital bed, dark hair pulled back and her blue eyes bright in her tired face. I trust you, Vickie. I told you. It’s going to go so perfectly.
Hilary, lying dead on the operating table, a lifetime of schoolgirl best friendship extinguished like the light in her blue eyes, because she’d been wrong to trust Victoria.
With a strangled gasp, Victoria spun on her sneakered heel and sprinted blindly out of the surgical wing, leaving Anna shocked and still in her wake.
She ran, could do nothing but run as tears streaked down her cheeks, as people stared, as they dodged out of her path. Pain bloomed on her hip, her arm, a shoulder as she collided with walls and gurneys and equipment racks out where they shouldn’t be.
Halfway to the parking garage, she realized she had no keys on her, and her purse was in her office.
She wasn’t about to try going back for it, and at any rate there was no way she would be able to drive home in this state.
Fumbling her phone out of the pocket of her scrubs, she frantically stabbed at it until an Uber said it would be there in minutes.
She made her way to the pickup bay and hurled herself into the car as it arrived, nodding assent when the driver confirmed her address.
She spent the ride to her condo curled up into the corner of a tiny Nissan that smelled too much like jasmine air freshener and the apple hard candies the driver was sucking on.
The hard sugary treat clacked against the woman’s teeth in a way that set Victoria’s nerves on flaming edge.
She wrapped her arms around her knees and gripped tight, her short nails digging into her flesh through the thin cotton of her scrub pants.
When they pulled up in front of her condo building and she let go of her knees, uncurling into a long aching streak, she only vaguely registered the bloody half-moons blooming on the blue fabric.
The entrance into her building and her own unit was managed via electronic keypads, and she let herself in with shaking fingers, her knees weakening with every step until she was all but crawling into her living room.
Hands on the back of her head, clutching at the bun that by now was all but falling apart, Victoria knelt on the pristine white carpet and wept, acid tears burning trails down her face.
“Hilary,” she sobbed, heart splintering in her chest over and over again the way it had that day six months ago.
“Hilary, Hilary, Hilary, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. ”