Marissa #3
Isla stirs her straw in her water thoughtfully.
“Is Daddy going to visit us?” she asks. A trace of guilt creeps into her features and I anticipate her follow-up question before she asks it. “Will it make you sad if he brings Rayna?”
It’s been a struggle for Isla to reconcile her feelings about the divorce and her father’s new whirlwind relationship.
On the one hand, she was devastated when we told her about the divorce.
What kid wouldn’t be? On the other, Rayna voiced a character in one of her favorite Pixar movies and she was absolutely starstruck when Rocky brought her as his date to the premiere.
I can tell she’s looking for me to tell her how she should feel about the entire thing and whether it’s okay if she enjoys spending time with Rayna. It’s a role I’m not taking lightly.
Still, we made a hasty departure from the West Coast to escape R&R for a reason. Maybe it’s selfish, but I’m committed to protecting my peace as long as possible. And the best way to do that is to keep my ex away from here for as long as possible.
“I’m sure we will see him this summer,” I reassure her. “Maybe we could do a weekend in New York. I know you’ve been dying to see a Broadway musical.”
Though our legal custody arrangement is pretty standard, Rocky and I don’t have a court-mandated physical custody schedule.
While I personally would not be devastated if he stumbled into a well, we’ve always been civil when it comes to the kids.
And there’s never been much reason to argue about custody since he works way too much for a fifty/fifty arrangement to be feasible.
When he’s on set, which is 90 percent of the time, the kids are with me.
And when he’s in town, I make sure the kids are available to see him.
Our marriage may have ended, but he will be their father forever, and I don’t want them to grow up without him in their lives.
Pooja is constantly reminding me that I don’t have to “cater to that asshole,” but as Rocky has noted on more than one occasion, I’m not the one with a demanding work schedule. It’s hard to argue that point.
“And what will happen once you go back to work?” Pooja asks from time to time, as if mentioning my career will miraculously jump-start it.
It’s a question I’ve asked myself more than once, and if we’re really being honest, it’s one of the reasons I haven’t been ready to jump back in.
Sure, there have been offers for commercials.
Small parts as a mom on TV shows. But nothing exciting enough to make me want to leave my kids.
Sometimes, I worry that nothing ever will.
That I’m the architect of my own irrelevance.
“Give the nanny more hours, I guess.” This answer never mollifies her.
“So, you’ll pay for a nanny, but Rocky gets free childcare? That seems fair.”
While I know Pooja has my best interests at heart, she has no idea what it’s like to have divorced parents.
Her mom and dad are soulmates: They met in medical school, started their own dermatology practice, and spend their weekends gardening in matching sunhats.
She’s never felt responsible for her parents’ emotions the way my brother and I have.
She’s never had to show equal levels of enthusiasm for holiday gifts or act like she didn’t have too much fun after spending time with the other parent.
It was exhausting at times, and I’m sure it’s why my brother moved to New York for college and never came back.
We get together for holidays and family milestones, but other than that, I rarely see him.
I stayed in my marriage for way longer than I should have.
I probably should have left when I first heard the rumors about Rocky’s infidelity.
I definitely should have left when I caught him in bed with a PA half his age.
But I kept trying to make it work. I insisted on marriage counseling and gave him chance after chance, because I never wanted my own kids to go through what I did.
But history repeated itself anyway. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t ventured back out into the dating scene since our divorce was finalized.
Clearly, I have atrocious taste in men. How could I trust myself to have a relationship?
Shielding my kids was hard enough the first time.
I’m not sure I have it in me to do it again.
I shake the thought away and pivot my attention back to Isla and Levi.
“Any thoughts on what we should do today?”
The bell above the doorway chimes, drawing my attention before I receive an answer.
My seat has a direct view of the entryway, and I watch as a familiar-looking group walks in.
A burly man is holding hands with a pretty blond woman, and behind them trails a taller figure with a toddler on his shoulders.
The moment they pass through the doorway, I freeze, my eyes landing on his storm-gray irises.
Butterflies clamor to life in my stomach.
Oh boy.