Marissa #2
“Or mom-brain,” Megan adds. She grins at me. “In case you haven’t already gathered, this cookbook club is half food, half therapy. All the benefits of a mommy group but none of the drama.”
“Or car seat shaming,” Violet adds.
I suddenly feel incredibly grateful to have been invited this evening. It’s been ages since I felt like I could relate to a group of women like this. People who not only understand me but also welcomed me into their circle, just like that. The sense of belonging envelops me like a warm hug.
“My kids are on a vacation with my ex-husband, and it’s been hard,” I tell them. “I don’t think I’ve felt this emotionally shattered since I gave birth.”
“Nothing is more jarring than becoming a mom,” Zara says.
“There’s so much buildup and attention on pregnant women.
And then you pop out that baby and suddenly you’re just an abandoned shell whose life now revolves around someone else.
Meanwhile, you’re trying to get used to your new body, which is in pieces and leaking all over the place. ”
“And you no longer get presents!” Ashleigh adds.
“I still remember my first Christmas after Annabel was born. My mom came with an armful of presents and all of them were for the baby. Babies don’t care about presents!
You know who wants presents? Moms whose entire wardrobe is covered in spit-up and milk stains! ”
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just Isla and Levi’s mom.” I realize I’ve said it out loud and then ask, “Do you ever feel like that?”
“Only every day,” Megan says. “I love being a mom. But it’s the hardest job in the world. You’re full time, with no days off. Makes me really respect Ina. She always says she didn’t have kids so she could focus on her career, and look at her now.”
“I can understand that. Sometimes I do miss having a career,” I admit. “I don’t regret my choices. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing. But I’m not the same person I was before I had kids.”
Shelby gives me a sympathetic once-over. “I mean, it must have been doubly hard on you,” she says softly. “You became a mom and left your very public career behind at the same time. That’s a huge identity shift.”
“Some part of you must have felt like you vanished,” Caleb says. “Vanished” is the right word for it. It’s not hard to leave the fame. What’s hard is everyone forgetting about you as a person.
For a while, it felt like my agent and management team cared about me.
But it didn’t take me long to realize they only cared about my role as a moneymaker.
Once I walked away from acting, most of the people in my professional life lost interest in my existence.
I still had my family and some friends, but even they were focused on my children.
I’m so grateful for the people who look after my kids: Levi’s care team, the therapist Isla started seeing after the divorce, the nanny who dotes on them and who, unlike myself, never forgets to buy groceries.
But there is no one around whose focus is on me, the person.
Not as the actress who could anchor a superhero franchise or nail a big commercial or walk a red carpet. Just me.
At least, there hadn’t been, until Jesse. Until last night, when I felt like I was at the center of his world. To him, I was just Marissa. And it was more than enough.
I feel a twinge of guilt at the memory of how I treated him.
At the way his face fell when I introduced him as my carpenter.
Such an asshole move. I don’t even know why I did it.
I guess I panicked. Pooja’s arrival threw me off—I hadn’t had time to contemplate my own feelings, much less explain them to someone else.
Which turned out to be pointless—Pooja is my best friend, and she saw right through me.
One thing I do know is that Jesse deserves an apology. As soon as this is over, I need to find him so I can explain.
After a few more minutes of small talk, Violet ushers everyone over to the kitchen table, where each of the Inas presents their dish.
There are spinach dips and lemon-baked fish, asparagus and roasted potatoes.
And most importantly, a pitcher of cosmopolitans.
Violet pours each of us a drink in an oversized martini glass.
“How long are you planning to stay in the Poconos?” Caleb asks me.
“Just until the second week of August,” I reply. “School starts pretty early on the West Coast.”
“Jesse is not going to be happy,” Shelby clucks. She gives me a devilish smirk over the rim of her cosmo.
“Jesse? Like our Jesse?” Violet asks. She turns to me, wide-eyed. “You two are…?”
“Oh yes,” Shelby says smugly, answering the unfinished question. “You should have seen the two of them undressing each other with their eyes earlier. My clothes almost melted off from the steam. And yesterday, I caught him smiling.”
“No shit,” Violet breathes. “Jesse was smiling? I’m not sure I can picture that. He must really like you.”
Megan jumps in next. “With all the broody energy, I’ve always wondered how he screws—” Shelby throws her a death stare, and she blanches. “How he is with a screwdriver,” she finishes.
I bury my burning cheeks behind my hands.
“It’s nothing!” I protest.
“It’s not nothing,” Pooja chimes in.
“Whose side are you on?”
“Yours,” she says. “Trust me, no one wants to see you happy more than I do. And you, my friend, are happy. Those flushed cheeks of yours don’t lie.”
“Wow, good for Jesse,” Violet says. “Has he had a long-term relationship since Amber?”
Shelby shakes her head. “He’s dated a few women casually, but he’s never gotten serious with anyone else. Not that I blame him. That girl broke his heart and stomped all over the ashes.”
I raise my eyebrows. “What do you mean? Who is Amber?”
The rest of the group exchanges glances.
“I guess he hasn’t mentioned it,” Shelby says.
Her expression is strained, and she seems to regret bringing it up in the first place.
“Jesse and Amber were together through most of college and a few years after. He thought he was going to marry her. But she broke up with him not long after his father passed away. Left him for her roommate.” The lines around her mouth tighten and I can sense her protectiveness.
Something tells me the whole family was impacted by this breakup.
Shelby straightens her shoulders and continues.
“He was back in town, trying to stabilize the business. Keep it upright while we all figured out how to carry on in my father-in-law’s absence.
Amber blamed the distance, but Jesse blamed himself, of course.
That’s how he is. He takes on everyone else’s pain and puts himself last. Stretches himself thin.
And then his poor mother.” She shakes her head.
“To be honest, Jesse has never allowed himself to heal. Because doing so would require him to admit that something was broken.”
Violet stands and heads toward the kitchen. “I’m going to make another batch of cosmos. Can I get anyone else anything?”
The conversation shifts away from Jesse, pivoting to plans for fall sports enrollment and the guy Caleb has been seeing, who looks alarmingly like a man from a recent true crime documentary.
But I’m having a hard time focusing. My thoughts keep drifting back to Jesse, and everything he’s been through.
I can’t imagine losing so many people I loved in such a short period of time. What must that do to a person?
My inner monologue is interrupted by a clattering knock at the door. Before anyone can stand to open it, it swings open and a tall figure steps through. My heart knows who it is before my brain registers it. Jesse.
He catches a glimpse of us sitting in the living room, then straightens and clears his throat.