Marissa
I jump at the sound of rapping on my trailer door. I’ve been so engrossed in the book on my lap that I’d completely lost sense of where I was, and the sound of a fist against aluminum is so startling that I have to brush a hand over my chest to steady the fluttering of my heart.
I set the novel down on the small sofa beside me.
I’ve been reading as often as possible between takes, and this story about a teenage girl with Down syndrome who dreams of being a pop star is a contender for next month’s virtual book club.
The club is still informal, mostly just monthly livestreams from my living room sofa, but my picks always focus on stories that elevate underrepresented voices.
I have loved every minute of it. Being able to connect readers and build a community that champions these stories has been incredibly fulfilling.
More importantly, it’s reminded me that I don’t have to hide.
I can use my visibility to uplift the things that matter most to me.
It couldn’t be.… Could it?
My blood is pumping faster now as I walk toward the door, desperately trying (and failing) not to get my hopes up. How many months have I spent fantasizing about Jesse turning up on my porch and telling me he loves me too, that this has all been a terrible mistake?
I often picture the scene in the rain, but maybe that’s just because I’ve consumed too many rom-coms.
With a shaky hand, I push open the trailer door. The man standing on the steps in front of me is wearing a black T-shirt, jeans, and a headset. He stares up at me with wide, brown eyes. My heart dips. Not Jesse. Just a set PA. Of course it is.
Even after all this time, I still can’t convince my brain to let go of these ridiculous fantasies.
Grand gestures don’t exist in real life.
If there’s one thing acting has taught me, it’s that real life is nothing like the movies.
The heroes we love so dearly only exist on the screen.
No knight in shining armor is coming to sweep me off my feet.
In the real world, the only person who can save us is ourselves.
“Marissa! Err, I mean, Miss Morgan. Sorry about that.” He bites down on his bottom lip, doing his best to hide his mortification. “They’re ready for you on set.”
I nod. “Thank you. I’ll be right there.”
I shut the door and then close my eyes, taking a deep breath.
It’s time to get into a professional headspace.
We’re filming a big scene today, where Felix’s mom (aka me) ventures into the underground world for the first time and discovers the parallel universe that looks like a mirror version of the real world.
I need to get her reaction just right and I can’t do it if I’m on the verge of tears.
Besides, I shouldn’t waste any more tears on a man who has probably already forgotten that I exist.
I count to ten slowly, then school my features into a confident smile. Then I step out of the trailer, shutting the door, and any lingering thoughts of Jesse, firmly behind me.
“We’re rolling!” The sound of Lina’s voice immediately fills me with confidence.
There hasn’t been a single day on set that I haven’t been overwhelmed with gratitude that she’s been able to direct this project.
She’s approached this story so thoughtfully and is unfailingly collaborative.
Alix Levy, the book’s author, is on board as an executive producer, and I know that her input will ensure this adaptation satisfies fans.
I grab hold of my movie son’s hand. Elliot, the actor who is portraying Felix, is also neurodivergent, and we’ve bonded during the past month we’ve worked together.
Since we were able to film in LA, I haven’t had to spend too much time away from the kids, and our nanny has even brought them to set a few times.
It turns out that I had been needlessly concerned about balancing my roles as a parent and an actress.
Everyone on set has been respectful of my children’s privacy.
And watching the look of admiration on their faces when they see their mom at work only makes the experience sweeter.
Together, Elliot and I descend the set’s staircase and enter the subterranean world. There are dozens of extras milling around us, all dressed as slight variations of people from the above world. The whole vibe reminds me of Coraline, but less sinister.
Elliot points out all the different shadows of our town—the mirrored version of his school and the houses that surround it, whose details are oddly, if subtly, subverted. Together, we walk to a shopping center across the street, and he leads me into a café.
“See, Mom,” Elliot as Felix says softly. “I told you. It’s just like the Terracotta Café, but different.”
A camera zooms into my wide-eyed expression before the extra playing a hostess leads us to a table. Once seated, I glance around at the surrounding patrons, conveying my awe that the alternative universe my son has been telling me about for months is real.
“Welcome. Can I get you started with waters?”
I glance up at the server who’s standing in front of me, pitcher in hand, and my mouth falls open.
His stormy blue eyes meet my gaze and one corner of his mouth, framed by perfectly tidy scruff, lifts in a tiny smile.
For the first time since I stepped on set, no acting is necessary; any shock the camera is catching is entirely genuine.
A beat passes and from several feet away, I hear Lina clear her throat. Right. My line. My brain scrambles to come up with it, but it seems all cognitive function has frozen.
Ever the professional, Elliot swoops in to save me.
“It’s okay, Mom,” he prods. “The water is safe to drink.” Right. The water. We’re currently on set, filming a scene.
With effort, I tear my eyes away from Jesse and level my gaze at my fake son.
“Are you sure?” I ask. It doesn’t take much to imbue my voice with uncertainty. Without trying, it’s already carrying a slight wobble.
He gives me a sweet smile. “Only one way to find out.”
Hot tears prick the backs of my eyes, and I furiously blink them away. I glance back up at Waiter Jesse and he gives me a barely perceptible nod. The gears in my head have started turning again, but my thoughts are too scrambled to have any real meaning.
I blink away the threatening tears as I return Jesse’s smile.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s take a risk.”
Jesse’s grin widens just as Lina yells, “Cut.”
She’s by my side in a moment, pulling off her headset and draping it around her neck.
“That was great,” she says. “I could really feel your shock in that moment. But I do want to take that scene again, if you don’t mind.
I think it’s important that you deliver your original line, where you ask your son if the water is safe.
Asking him and then taking his word for it is a pivotal moment in establishing your faith in him. ”
I nod. “Absolutely. Um … do you mind if I take five?”
Her brow furrows. “We just got started. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just…” I glance over my shoulder to look at Jesse, but he’s disappeared. Did I just imagine that entire exchange? I turn back to Lina, whose face is now laced with concern.
“Just … give me five,” I say again. I jerk away from the table so quickly that I nearly knock over the prop chair.
A quick glance around the room confirms he’s no longer in here, so I push through the café’s door, spilling out onto the exterior set.
From there, it only takes a minute for me to spot him, getting his makeup touched up next to a fake plant.
“Excuse me,” I tell the artist. “I need to talk to him for a second.”
She looks surprised but nonetheless excuses herself. I stare up at Jesse, still not quite trusting my eyes. But even if my brain can’t comprehend it, my body can. It’s impossible to ignore the flutter inside my belly. Even after all this time, he still manages to give me butterflies.
“You’re here,” I say. “On the set of my movie.”
Jesse presses his lips together and nods but doesn’t say anything.
“Why?”
He takes a step forward, closing the space between us, and my heartbeat quickens.
“How did you even get onto the set?” I ask.
The corner of his mouth twitches. “Violet still had Pooja’s phone number.
Apparently, she was all too happy to get me on the cast list. She also said something about wanting to have my headshot on file?
” Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a figure slipping through the café door.
Pooja pauses before shutting the door behind her to give me a conspiratorial wink.
This woman. She never quits, and I love that about her.
Jesse slips a hand through mine, drawing my attention back to him.
“I know it’s not the most direct way to talk to you, but I didn’t want any paparazzi to catch me if I showed up at your house. Plus, this strategy required a little more effort.” His eyes widen to punctuate his next point. “And I wanted you to know that you are worth the effort.”
I dig my fingernails into my palm, noting the sharp pinch and reminding myself that this is really happening. Because I still can’t believe I’m not dreaming.
“Marissa,” he continues softly, “I didn’t expect what happened this summer, but you were so much more than just a fling.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
I’ll never forgive myself for letting you walk away instead of fighting for you.
I regret every minute that I wasted being an absolute idiot. ”
I grin. “You were a little bit of an idiot,” I concede. “And I didn’t mean to hurt you either. I never wanted you to feel like you had to give up your life for me. I wanted to find a way to compromise and make it work. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the best things never are.”
Lina appears through the doorway then and waves to us.
“Two more minutes!” she calls.
Jesse turns to me and takes a deep breath. “I know we have to get back, so I’ll make this quick and efficient, because I didn’t say all the things I should have the first time around, and I have spent too many nights lying awake wishing I could have done it better.”
He gives my hand a squeeze. “Marissa, I think you are the most incredible woman I have ever met. You’re brilliant and kind, talented and generous.
You light up every room and make everyone around you happy.
And you’re such an incredible mother. You’ve got to know how lucky those kids are to have you.
” His voice lowers. “How lucky I was to have you, even if it was just for a little while.”
“Jesse,” I start, but he shakes his head.
“Just let me get this out,” he says. “Before I miss the opportunity again.
“I fell in love with you last summer. Hell, if I’m really being honest, I fell in love with you two decades ago, when we were just kids chasing each other around the lake.
I never thought I’d see you again, and when you came back into my life, it terrified me.
I was so afraid to let myself fall, because the thought of losing one more person I cared about…
” He closes his eyes. “I was shortsighted. I didn’t see that everything led me back to you.
There’s no escaping it. It’s written in the stars.
The only person standing in the way of my own happiness was myself.
I thought that it would hurt less if I just moved on with my life, but the truth is, there is no life without you.
Not anymore. Wherever you are, that’s where I want to be.
You are it for me, and if you let me, I would follow you anywhere. ”
My vision blurs as my eyes fill with tears.
“So, what do you think? Would you consider giving me a second chance? Rewrite our future together?”
Instead of answering, I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips to his.
I pour everything I’m feeling into it, hoping it communicates the way I’m absolutely gone for him.
He matches me kiss for kiss, tilting his head to find that perfect angle, until we are so lost in one another that I’m not sure where he ends and I begin.
When he finally pulls away, I’m breathless.
My makeup is almost certainly ruined, and I’ve never been happier in my life.
A slow, shy grin stretches across his lips.
“Is that a yes?” he asks.
“I’d say it’s a fuck yes.” We both turn to see Pooja standing behind us, hands on her hips. “I’ll keep a lookout for my thank-you card in the mail,” she adds. “In the meantime, could the two of you please get back on set before Lina has a conniption?”
I look up at Jesse and grin. Then I sweep out an arm, gesturing for him to take the lead. “After you.”
He doesn’t budge. Instead, he slides his hand through mine. “I say from now on, wherever we go, we go together.”
My eyes fill with tears again. It’s official. My makeup is fucked. And I couldn’t care less.
I give his hand a squeeze and then we head back inside, together.