Chapter 18
Eighteen
“Do you think it worked?” he asked an hour later.
She laughed and snuggled closer to him. “If it didn’t, it won’t be for a lack of trying.”
He laughed softly and kissed her. “Are you hungry?”
“Getting there.”
“Do you want to go out?”
She shook her head. “I never want to leave this bed again for the rest of my life.”
“Then room service it is.”
When he would’ve gotten up, she stopped him. “Don’t go just yet.”
“I was coming right back.” He turned on his side and brought her closer to him. Tracing a finger over her cheek, he asked, “Why so pensive all of a sudden?”
“What were they like?”
His eyebrows knitted with confusion. “Who?”
“The other women you were with. The women you married.”
He groaned and turned his face into the pillow. “We are not going to talk about that now.”
“Why not?”
“Because. This is a time to be looking ahead not back, and this night is about you and me. No one else.”
“Do you think I won’t understand that you were lonely, Brian? I will, because I was, too.”
“Why didn’t you ever go out with anyone else? There must’ve been no shortage of men who were interested.”
“It’s kind of hard to date when you can’t talk.”
“What if you could’ve talked? Would you have dated then?”
She shrugged. “It’s hard to say, but I doubt it. The only man I wanted was the one I couldn’t have.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled a long deep breath. “I was so sure I was doing the right thing when I said I was leaving for good. You know the main reason I did that was to try to force you to come with me, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“I was desperate, Carly. And once that ultimatum was out of my mouth, it was kind of hard to take it back. I wished so many times I hadn’t made such an all-or-nothing stand.
Now that I’m back with you again, I realize what a big mistake I made and how much I denied us both.
Even a little bit with you would’ve been better than nothing. ”
She brushed his hair off his forehead and kissed him. “You were eighteen years old and traumatized. Don’t beat yourself up for doing what you thought was right at the time.”
He was quiet for a long moment as he studied her face.
“It took me three years to even think about being with someone else,” he finally said as he combed his fingers through her curls.
“I didn’t bother dating or getting to know anyone, because that would’ve taken too much effort, and it didn’t really matter.
I was lonely and bitter about losing you and everyone who mattered to me, so I was looking for a purely physical thing.
I picked up a girl in an off-campus bar, and we went back to her place. ”
Carly caressed his chest as she listened to him.
“I can only imagine what you must be thinking. It sounds awful, even to me,” he said as he looked up at the ceiling. “So we started, you know, fooling around.” He glanced over at Carly. “You’re sure you want to hear this?”
She nodded.
“One thing led to another, and we ended up in her bed. I kept wishing I’d had more to drink so I wouldn’t have been so aware of what I was doing or that everything about it—and her—felt wrong.
And then I kind of lost my . . . enthusiasm, so to speak.
” He brought Carly’s hand to his lips. “Even though we weren’t together anymore, I felt like I was cheating on you. ”
Her eyes filled with tears. “Bri,” she whispered.
“I made a bunch of excuses about drinking too much and got out of there as fast as I could. I hit a pretty low point for a while after that. It was as close as I ever came to just saying fuck it and going home. I wondered if I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life, if that’s what I had doomed us both to.
Then I met Beth. She lived in the apartment across the hall from me during our senior year.
She had short dark hair and brown eyes that reminded me of yours.
She’s really the only good friend I’ve made since I left home, but even she doesn’t know the whole story. ”
“You were married to her, and you never told her?”
“I’ve never told anyone.”
Carly shook her head with dismay. “I thought it was harder to be the one who got left behind at home, but at least I had my family around me. You were so alone in the world.”
“Beth made me feel less alone, which is the one and only reason I married her. Of course, that wasn’t very fair to her, and it didn’t take me long to realize I’d made another huge mistake.”
“But you stayed with her for a while.”
He nodded. “She came home a few weeks before I graduated from law school and told me she’d met someone else and wanted a divorce.
I could hardly blame her. She married Joe, and they’re very happy.
I like him a lot. In fact, I just had dinner with them recently when they were in New York.
I was lucky she forgave me for being a crappy husband and kept me as a friend. ”
“What about Jane?”
Brian smiled. “Ah, yes. And then there was Jane. My mother couldn’t stand her.”
Carly’s eyes widened. “Really? I can’t imagine your mother not liking her own daughter-in-law.”
“Jane wasn’t much of a daughter-in-law or a wife. As my mother said in Florida, ‘There wasn’t an ounce of warmth in that woman.’”
“Then why’d you marry her?”
He winced. “She was a bit of a looker—tall, blonde, blue-eyed. You get the picture.”
Carly made a face. “Spare me any further details, please.”
He quickly added, “She was also an ADA, and she worked as much as I do, so it was more a marriage of convenience than anything. Then she started talking about having a family and buying a house in the burbs. I was like, whoa, that’s not what I signed on for.
I certainly didn’t want that stuff with her.
She was so self-absorbed that she would’ve been a horrible mother.
Things got kind of ugly toward the end with her. ”
“How long were you with her?”
“About three years, married for just over a year.”
“And since then?”
“I’ve been married to my work.”
Carly released a long deep breath and rested her head on his shoulder. “Thanks for telling me.”
With his finger on her chin he tilted her face up so he could see her. “I want you to understand . . . Both times, I knew in the very moment I was saying ‘I do’ that I was making a mistake, because everything inside me was crying out for you.”
“Brian.”
“I mean it.”
“I know you do.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“It’s kind of a big deal.”
“Okay.”
“Which do you think would be worse? Being my third wife or never being my wife at all?”
Carly laughed until she cried. “Never being your wife at all,” she was finally able to say through her tears. “That would definitely be worse.”
“Good to know. Can I get up for a second?”
She lifted her arm and leg to let him up and then wiped the tears from her face.
He went over to rummage around in his bag and came back to flop down next to her. Perched on his pinkie was a diamond ring.
“What?” she cried. “Where did you get that?”
“It was my grandmother’s.” The utter shock on her face was exactly what he’d hoped for.
“You should’ve seen how my mother bawled when I asked her to get it out of the safe for me today.
” Wiping the tears from Carly’s face, he touched his lips to hers.
“Remember the first time we got engaged, and I told you I’d get you a ring as soon as I could?
You said I shouldn’t spend the money because we’d need it for things like food? ”
Dealing with a new flood of tears, Carly nodded.
“Well, I knew this ring was coming to me when I was ready to get married, and I’d planned to give it to you the next day.
Then everything happened, and I never got around to it.
I regretted that, Carly. After all, we were engaged.
I spent a lot of time after I left wondering if I’d given you the ring and made it official, if we might’ve somehow found a way to stay together. ”
“Why didn’t you give it to Beth?” she asked softly.
He shook his head. “The only person I ever could’ve given it to is you.” Reaching for her left hand, he said, “Will you marry me, Carly? Will you make my life complete by spending the rest of your life where you should’ve been all along? With me?”
“Do you even have to ask?” she whispered.
He slid the ring onto her finger. “I love you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to come home to you.”
“All that matters now is you did and nothing has changed between us.” She raised her hand to take a better look at the ring. “It’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you.”
“I want to get married as soon as we can.”
Surprised, Carly glanced up at him.
“What kind of wedding do you want?” he asked.
“Something small. Is that all right with you?”
He snorted with laughter. “I couldn’t care less how we do it, as long as we do it—and very, very soon. I’ve lived long enough without you. Are you going to be okay with not getting married in church? They’ll frown on a two-time divorcee.”
“Father Joe might make an exception for us.”
“I don’t want you to get your hopes up, honey.”
“Maybe we can do something in my parents’ backyard and ask Father Joe if he would marry us. If we’re not in church, it might not be an issue.”
He tightened his hold on her. “I can’t believe we’re in bed together talking about getting married. I used to spend tremendous amounts of time imagining us just like this. I hope you won’t mind if I keep you in bed for most of the first year we’re married.”
She laughed. “Just the first year?”
“I’ll have to go back to work at some point so I can take care of you.”
“I don’t know if I can live in New York, Brian.”
“You don’t have to.”
“But your job—”
“We can live in the burbs, and I’ll commute, or I’ll quit and do something else.” He shrugged. “Whatever you want.”
“You love that job. I’d never ask you to quit.”