Chapter 19
Nineteen
Ryder
NOW
My kids are wild tonight. They’re resisting bedtime with everything they’ve got. I resort to blackmail to get them into bed.
“Anyone who gets in bed right now will get a special surprise tomorrow.”
Three little bodies go hurtling toward their beds.
That worked better than expected.
Seven-year-old Miles, five-year-old Grace and three-year-old Elise are in bed in two seconds flat.
“What will our surprise be?” Grace asks.
“You’ll have to wait and see. And everyone has to stay in bed, or there’s no surprise.”
“You hear that, Elise?” Miles asks. “Don’t mess it up for the rest of us.”
We keep saying we need to put the girls in their own room, but Miles wants “his babies” with him. He’s been the best big brother to them from the day we brought each of them home from the hospital.
I kiss them all goodnight and advise them to go to sleep, so they’ll earn their surprise, and then I head for the shower.
Since I declared my candidacy, I’ve missed a lot of bedtimes.
I hate that. I never want to miss a second with them, but I’m determined to do whatever it takes to win this special election in November.
Our longtime representative resigned his seat, which gave me an opening that I jumped on.
The opportunity to serve the community I grew up in on the national stage is something I’ve long aspired to do.
If I win, Caroline and the kids will move to DC, so we can be together most of the time.
I’ll have to be back in Rhode Island a lot, but our goal is to keep the family together as much as we possibly can.
Thanks to the job I left to run for office, we’ve got some savings to set up a second household in Washington.
It’s all a huge risk, in more ways than one, but it’s been an exciting time for our entire family.
I keep waiting for my opponent to dig up my past and the accusation that nearly ruined everything, but so far, that hasn’t come up.
Cam told me not to run, that I’d be opening myself to having the case relitigated in the press, but I was undeterred.
The case was thrown out for a lack of evidence.
I refuse to live my life as if I were convicted of a crime.
He thinks the reason the opposition hasn’t made a thing about the charges that were eventually dropped is the fear of a civil defamation suit.
You can’t go around accusing people who were never convicted of a crime without opening yourself up to exposure, according to my brother, the lawyer.
That said, I’m deeply ashamed of that night and what I did to Neisy.
I was out of my mind with grief for Louisa.
When I think of that time, all I recall is the agony.
That’s no justification for what I did. There is no justification.
I’ve devoted myself to being a better person, but that’s been a struggle.
I suffered from deep depression after Louisa died that was compounded by what I did to Neisy. No matter how I try, I simply can’t explain why I did it. I’ve hated myself for it every second of every day since. It was a struggle to pull myself out of that deep spiral and try to get back on track.
I lost my Naval Academy appointment after I was charged.
It didn’t matter that the case never went to trial.
The accusation alone was enough. Captain Sutton saw to that.
Not that I blame him. I don’t. It was my fault, and I own that.
All of it was my fault. My dad getting arrested, losing his job and dealing with financial and emotional hardship that lasted for a long time was my fault.
After a hellish few years of grief, remorse and depression, I met Caroline in college. She helped me turn things around. I told her soon after we met that I’d been accused of rape. She asked me if I did it.
I lied.
I wanted her in my life so badly that I lied to her face.
It’s the only time I’ve ever lied to her, but the lie eats at me. She married me thinking I was innocent of the charges. Our whole life together is built on a lie.
On the night before our wedding eight years ago, Cam asked me if she knew the truth.
I said no.
“Ryder… How can you marry her without telling her?”
“If she knew, she’d never marry me. She put me back together, Cam. I can’t be without her.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Since the night I told him the truth, things between my brother and me have been strained.
We’re still close, but not like we once were.
I tell myself that would’ve happened anyway as we left home, went to different colleges and weren’t together every day anymore.
But that’s not why things changed. It’s because I told him, and only him, the truth about what happened with Neisy.
I put an awful burden on him. I made myself feel better at his expense.
I never should’ve done that. It’s another thing I deeply regret.
As I shave in the shower, I think about how the saying, “the truth sets you free” is bullshit.
The truth would ruin me.
I’m thankful to Cam, Arlo and Dallas for leaving perfectly good jobs to run my campaign. I’ll never forget the chance they all took to ensure my freedom years ago, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them. I owe them everything.
I learned after the fact that Arlo was the one who suggested they swear as a group to having had sex with Neisy, to confirm the widely spread rumors about her promiscuity.
If I’d known about it, I would’ve told them not to risk themselves for me.
But I believe the affidavit made the difference in the case getting tossed.
I’ve never forgotten what they did, and I never will.
It makes me sick to think about what we did to an innocent young woman who didn’t deserve any of it. I wish I could apologize to her for everything, but there’s no way I can do that without putting myself in legal jeopardy.
So I live with regret that gnaws at me even after all this time. That’s the least of what I deserve for inexcusable behavior.
Caroline is in bed when I emerge from the bathroom.
She’s so beautiful—inside and out.
Her long dark hair shines in the light of the bedside lamp and her warm, brown eyes look at me with nothing but love and affection.
I’m so lucky to have her in my life, and I make sure she feels my love every day.
I give her everything she wants or needs, and she gives right back to me in spades.
Sometimes I wonder what my marriage to Louisa would’ve been like and whether it would’ve been as amazing as what I have with Caroline.
Comparing them adds to the guilt that’s always with me, so I try not to do that.
But I still think of Louisa every day and miss her, even after all this time.
“What’d you promise to get them to go to sleep?” Caroline asks when I get into bed.
“A surprise tomorrow.”
“Which will be what?”
“Haven’t decided yet.”
“So we’ve been reduced to blackmail now, huh?”
I put an arm around her and rest my head on her chest. “Whatever works to give us an hour or two of peace and quiet to ourselves.”
She runs her fingers through my hair. “Marty called about the fundraiser. We’re sold out for the tenth year in a row.”
“That’s amazing news.” Along with Louisa’s beloved brother we’ve raised more than a million dollars for Hodgkin’s research in Louisa’s name.
Caroline took over the coordination of the annual fundraiser the year after we got married.
She retooled the event, and it’s thanks to her that we’ve raised so much money.
When I say she’s the best thing to ever happen to me, I mean it.
I exhale a deep breath, overwhelmed with gratitude for her, our kids and this life I don’t deserve.
Cam
NOW
“We have a problem,” Sienna says as she gets into bed next to me.
I’m exhausted and have no patience for her drama of the day. “What problem do we have?”
“Blaise Merrick is back in town.”
“So?”
“From what I’ve heard, she’s hanging out in LE, which is bizarre to say the only time she’s been home since high school is when her father died.”
“Maybe she has friends there.”
“Or maybe she’s decided it’s time to ease her conscience.”
I sit up straighter. What the hell is she talking about. “What?”
A guilty look crosses her super expressive face. “I need to tell you something I should’ve told you years ago.”
My entire body goes cold with dread. Sienna doesn’t keep anything to herself.
Her mouth runs overtime, which is one of our biggest issues.
She talks about things she shouldn’t at inappropriate times.
I tell her she’s a liability that way, which infuriates her.
So the possibility that she might know something she hasn’t already told me is terrifying because it must be something huge. “What do you need to tell me?”
“That night in LE… Houston’s party.”
Dread shifts to terror. I’m afraid to ask. “What about it?”
“Things between you and me had been weird that summer. You were acting like you weren’t into me anymore, and I was feeling insecure. So Blaise and I snuck over to LE to spy on the party.”
My mind races, trying to figure out what she might’ve seen me do or who she saw me talk to and why that might be coming up now.
“We were there when Ryder raped her. We saw it.”
The bottom falls out of my entire life. There were witnesses, and one of them is my own wife. The implications are so huge I have no idea what to do with this information.
“Cam. Say something.”
I stare at the far wall, trying to resist the overwhelming urge to scream at her.
“You never thought you should mention this to me?” She doesn’t know Ryder told me the truth.
I love her, but I don’t entirely trust her to keep something like that to herself.
Besides, Ryder and I swore we’d never tell anyone else, and he didn’t even tell Caroline.
“I know how much you love Ryder! I’d never want to do anything to cause a rift between you guys. I made sure Blaise kept her mouth shut.”