Twenty-Four
It was after dinner when they arrived at the cottage, or as Valerie was calling it, the Badgerton Beach Retreat.
How she came up with these terrible names was beyond Nico, particularly since the Badgertons’ cottage didn’t have a beach.
The house was empty apart from Alice, who was in the Mariposa room watching the sun set over the lake and working on yet another washcloth. She held it up to Valerie proudly.
“It looks amazing,” said Valerie, as Nico checked around for Roger. “The edges are nice and even. Where is everyone?”
“Brayden is out. Fernie is on the patio doing some sort of exercise. She says it’s a modern rejuvenation practice and made a point of telling me it slows aging. Penny went over to the Jefferies’, and David and Jenn are in town for dinner.”
“Did Roger go too?” Nico asked.
“No, he said he needed alone time. There are leftovers in the fridge if you want them.”
They left her to her crochet. “At least we can put off talking to Penny about the call she made to my mom,” said Valerie.
Since Penny wasn’t a woman who enjoyed discussing her failures, Nico thought they wouldn’t have to talk about it at all. They went by the study to see if Roger had come back. He wasn’t there, and Nico caught sight of the calendar.
“I might know where he is.” He looked at Valerie, wondering if it was better to find Roger by himself.
“Alice said he wanted to be alone.”
Nico knew that was what Roger said, but had a feeling it might not be best for him. “I’ll go check in,” he said. “If he wants to be alone, I’ll leave.”
“You said ‘I’ and not ‘we.’ Is it private?” She looked away. “It’s cool if you don’t think he’ll want me there.”
That shamed him. He was being unnecessarily territorial, and if this summer cottage sojourn had shown him anything, it was that Valerie was always welcome with Roger. “He’d like to see you.”
Nico led them out of the house and past the patio tiers, where Fernie, dressed in a tight black outfit, was bobbing up and down while waving her arms. To the side was a winding path that sent up the thick smell of cedar when he stepped on it.
A small rustle came from the left. It was probably a chipmunk but he paused and angled his body to cover Valerie, just in case.
A white-tailed deer put a delicate hoof on the path, then halted, looking at them with its huge dark eyes.
Instinctively, he checked Valerie’s reaction, wanting to confirm that they were both seeing this.
To his surprise, she was looking at him with open-mouthed excitement instead of at the deer, as if the magic of the experience was that they were sharing it.
She reached out to take his hand and in seconds the deer was gone, its comically adorable ears moving forward as it picked its way across the path, then melted into the trees.
Valerie wrapped her arms around him as if the only way she could get out her exhilaration was through a physical bond. “I’ve never seen a deer that close and in the wild.” She clasped him tighter. “Thank you.”
He was astounded. He hadn’t made the deer appear. “For what?”
Valerie rose to kiss him on the cheek. “For being here with me. It’s not the same to see it alone.”
He never thought of experiences that way, and unbidden came the memory of the time Stefanie had called for him to “Come see, Nico, hurry.” He’d dropped his Lego and dashed to the window, where she’d pointed to the double rainbow arched across the sky. She’d wanted to share that with him.
Despite everything, he missed that connection with her.
They continued down the path and found Roger on a high rock. A half-filled glass was beside him and the lake in front was fringed with the dark shadows of trees against the deep purple sky.
“Roger?” called Nico.
Roger didn’t turn but raised an arm in acknowledgment.
“Is there something going on?” whispered Valerie, but Nico didn’t answer because he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Roger was normally withdrawn on this day, so much so that Nico had scheduled it lightly for years without asking or knowing the reason. Now, he was certain it had to do with Yvette.
They sat on the rock. “No luck in Goderich, then,” he said, not moving his eyes from the lake, his fingers picking at the rusty lichen.
“I’m sorry,” said Valerie.
“I thought it could be the end,” Roger said quietly. “Or the beginning, but at least I’d finally know and could move forward. It’s getting harder to be here with everyone and not want to shake them into telling me. How could they lie like that?”
Nico put aside the easier platitudes to say the truth. “I don’t know.”
“Me neither.” Roger rolled his shoulders and shuddered.
“God, I’m so mad, you know?” He gestured wildly in the direction of the house.
“I saw Jenn and Fernie going for a walk and laughing, enjoying each other’s company.
It suddenly made me angry they could have those moments and I’d missed thirty years of memories. ”
They stayed silent as Roger downed his drink, staring at the lake.
“It comes in waves,” he said. “I’ll be there working on a strategy plan or something, and then boom. Fury. Rage. Why me? Why do they get to be happy and I don’t?”
“I don’t know,” Valerie said, keeping her voice soft, like she was trying to soothe an injured kitten.
Roger pulled himself up. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s not your job to deal with this. I shouldn’t dump on you two.”
“Do you have someone to talk to?” she asked. Nico was glad she did. It hadn’t occurred to him.
“I don’t need a shrink.” Roger laughed. “I’m not crazy. There’s nothing wrong with me and this will be fine once I find my daughter and Yvette.”
A speedboat zoomed by, breaking the lovely peace of the lake with rough laughter and last year’s song of the summer. Roger picked up his glass and looked at it as if astonished it was empty. He put it down with a sigh.
“Anniversaries are so weird,” he said. “I have the day I met Yvette and the last day I saw her, but the one I think of every year is the first time she said she loved me.”
“Is that today?” Valerie asked.
“It’s seared on my memory even though it was so long ago. I usually go to a crowded bar and think about it, because it’s too depressing to do on my own.” He cast a sideways glance at Nico. “I noticed what you were doing with my calendar.”
“It seemed like you needed a break.” He should have known Roger would pick up on it.
“I did. I appreciate you doing that, Nico. It’s the one day a year I let myself wallow in what-ifs. Pathetic, huh?”
“It’s not,” said Valerie. “Want to tell us what you think about?”
“The strangest things. How her hair looked in the wind. She’d always get a few strands stuck to her lip and would make the cutest face because she hated it.
I wonder what she’s doing and if she still loves dumplings.
” He stared at his glass. “This day is like a trigger for decades of compounding regrets and doubts. What if I had looked for her right away. What if I’d gotten married to someone else or refused to take over the Bread Company.
Moved to British Columbia the way I wanted to.
It’s sad, you know, thinking about all the things that could have been.
I always thought that line about it being worse to regret the things you didn’t do rather than the things you did was total bullshit. ”
“Not now?” Valerie asked.
“I guess it all sucks in the end,” he said. “Stuff you did and stuff you didn’t. It’s only a different kind of hurt.”
Family. Regrets. Nico thought about Stefanie and that double rainbow.
She was obnoxious, yes. She’d never apologized for beeping like a robot when he organized his parents’ pantry.
Or for messing up his books to color-code his shelves like a rainbow.
It had taken him days to get them back to their usual alphabetical setup, and he’d never found his copy of The Left Hand of Darkness.
Nor had he apologized for all the shitty little brother things he’d done to her, in their ongoing game of tit for tat.
Over time, the small problems had intensified until he’d been unable to see her actions as anything but deliberately malicious.
Were they? Or was Stefanie operating under a different assumption about their relationship?
He’d never told her he’d had enough and had simply withdrawn.
Now they were at the point where they couldn’t even have a conversation.
Hearing Roger talk about his disappointments like this made him wonder if he was hurting himself most.
Valerie reached out to give Roger a hug.
“When I started Ad Astra, one of the things I learned was that everyone has remorse. Everyone had something they wished they’d done when their loved one was still alive, like visit more or apologize or listen.
Mostly, they wished they’d tried, the way you’re trying. That’s one huge regret you won’t have.”
Roger patted her hand. “I hope when I meet my daughter, she’s a good person like you.”
“Thank you.” Valerie sounded touched at the compliment.
The three of them sat until the sun set, then made their way back through the forest to the cottage. Nico hoped for a deer to break the mood, but nothing interrupted their own private thoughts. He wondered, if like him, the other two were thinking of past griefs and disappointments.
And possibly how to fix them.
* * *
He was getting ready for bed and deciding the best time to check on Valerie when a knock came at his door. “Nico?”
It was Valerie, and he let her in without bothering to put a shirt on. Fine, it was deliberate, and solely for the purpose of seeing her react. Which she did, eyes widening as she checked him out. He did his best not to suck in his gut.
He failed.
The night was damp, and a light mist beaded her hair. She shut the door, gaze lingering on his body in the dim lamplight, then glanced around curiously.
“Tidy,” she said. “I like it.” She looked him up and down in a way that made him sweat. “I was wondering if you were going to come over tonight.”
“For what?” he said in a way he hoped was more teasing than challenging.
Valerie crossed the bunkie—it only took a step—and backed him up against the wall. She was close enough to touch him.
Yet she didn’t. All she did was watch him. Her green dress tied at the waist, and he knew it would come undone the second he tugged the bow. “Do you remember I said that I wanted a bed?”
“With a firm pillow.” Yeah, he remembered. How could he forget?
She looked pointedly up at the loft. “I believe you have both those things.”
“I do have them.” He would wait until she came out and said it. Or did something. Either worked for him. She refused to come any closer. It was taking all his willpower to not pull her in but he wanted the pleasure of having her make the first move. “The pillow might not be firm enough.”
“Only one way to find out.” Finally, she touched him. Her hand was warm as she slid it down his arm but he shivered. “Come on, Nico.”
That’s all he could take. Reaching out, he pulled on the tie of her dress until it opened like a gift to reveal Valerie.
He couldn’t tell if he loved looking at her or touching her more.
She’d dressed for him, he could tell, because under it she wore…
He couldn’t describe it. It was pink and small and that’s all he registered.
Valerie tried to stay clear of the sun, but in the golden lamplight he could see how the tan skin edged into paler tones.
She shrugged off the dress completely and that was it for his self-control. He reached down and lifted her up so her legs hugged his waist. She laughed out loud as she put her arms around his neck. “Are you going to carry me up the ladder like this?”
He couldn’t bear to put her down. However, he was only human. “Maybe later.”
Right now he had more important things to do than climb ladders.
* * *
“I know I promised firm pillows and some degree of comfort,” said Nico as they lay on the floor of the bunkie. “Next time, it will be perfect.”
He sat up and grabbed one of the blankets from the chair to cover Valerie, then lifted her up so she was lying on him and not the floor. They hadn’t made it up the ladder.
“No need to apologize.” She curled up on his chest and sighed. “It seemed pretty perfect to me.”
“It means we have to try again so I can redeem myself.”
“I’m willing.”
Nico kissed the top of her head. The bunkie was peaceful and it felt as if they were the only people in the world. He tightened his arms around her. He wished they were, at least for a while. She gave him a deep sense of comfort he hadn’t known he craved.
Valerie was yawning and tracing circles on his shoulder. “I can hear the rain,” she said. “It’s rained on my birthday the last few years.”
“When is it?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
“It’s when?” He should have known this.
“Yeah, but I don’t usually do much.”
Valerie not doing much to celebrate seemed suspect, but she pushed herself up to look in his face before he could quiz her further. “Hey, Nico?”
“What?”
“I’ve never had sex outside.”
He heard this with avid interest. “No? I’ve never had sex in a shower. Or the rain.”
“A travesty.” She grinned at him. “Do you have any ideas on how to fix it?”
Did he ever.
Two hours later, they still hadn’t made it to the loft.