Thirty-Three
Valerie was in the bunkie, packing as fast as she could.
She should have known this summer would turn out to be a mess.
She had known, but as usual, she hadn’t listened to herself.
She sat on the bed with her legs crossed and tried not to cry.
She’d wanted to be liked by Penny so badly.
She’d thought she was, or at least that Penny had warmed to her.
Why was she such a poor judge of people?
She’d ignored all the bad feelings under the Badgertons’ happy facade, as usual trying to fool herself into thinking it was fine so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.
Valerie had always thought trusting her gut too much was what got her into these muddles, but was it?
She’d known this Badgerton thing was going to be bad, the same way she’d known hiring Alexis was bad, or kissing Nico was good.
The gut always knew but it was her brain that led her wrong.
Her brain said she needed to keep other people happy but her gut said she mattered as well.
Her phone buzzed and she grabbed it, hoping for a message from Roger or Nico.
It was a wall of text from Alexis, asking when she was going to be in Toronto so they could sign the partnership papers.
I’ve already updated the website, she wrote.
Good thing I had the passwords so I don’t have to waste more time waiting for you.
In the mess of the Badgertons, she’d forgotten she had to deal with Alexis.
Her stomach tightened as she read through the text, then looked at the new Ad Astra website, which promised unique prewedding experiences for busy brides in an eye-aching magenta cursive font.
She’d had multiple chances to stop this.
Now she could simply go with it, the way she always had, to her own detriment and out of shame she hadn’t been brave enough to speak up sooner, or she could put an end to it.
Valerie clicked through a few of the offerings: a wine tour, a spa day, a club crawl with limo service. Over her dead body. She was going to keep Ad Astra the way it was. She wanted it to grow past her mistake and to keep helping people who needed it. She wanted to stick with it.
She wrote Alexis a reply, then considered all the ways it could be misinterpreted. It was easier to write it, though. Less challenging.
But sometimes conflict was inevitable.
She picked up the phone and felt sick after the first ring. Alexis answered and sounded pleased when it was Valerie. “Good, you got my message. When are you back? We need to get this going.”
“Alexis.”
“The company is such a mess,” continued Alexis. “You’re lucky I’m willing to come on board. Blair says I’m doing you a favor, but I know this thing can work.”
“Alexis.”
“I mean, you took it as far as you could, and that’s commendable.”
“Alexis. I never agreed to a partnership or to shift focus.” There. It was out, but Valerie didn’t feel more relieved.
“Yes you did.”
“No, I said I’d think about it. I should have said no earlier rather than let you believe it was an option. I’m not going into business with you.” She paused and put her shoulders back. “Because Ad Astra is mine. I decide what to do with it, not you.”
“God.” Alexis sounded furious, and although Valerie didn’t blame her, she also didn’t like it. “Are you kidding?”
“No.”
“I thought we were friends. How could you pull this, after I’ve done so much for you?”
Valerie wanted to defend herself and point out Alexis’s many deficiencies as a friend and an employee, but suddenly, she was tired.
Tired of pretending to be grateful for scraps.
Tired of putting herself second to make others feel like they were first. Perhaps they were friends, but it was a category of friendship she no longer wanted.
Alexis had no place in her life, not anymore. She didn’t need to argue or wait for Alexis to finish talking. All she needed to do was say goodbye.
So she did.
Then she followed it up with an email that didn’t have a single thank-you, or apology, or mitigating phrase, as she confirmed Alexis’s Ad Astra involvement was over, if that wasn’t clear, and at no point had Valerie agreed to partner with her.
She tested how she felt. Calm. There was no second-guessing, or worrying she’d made the wrong decision. She wasn’t freaking out about someone being mad at her. For once, she’d done the right thing for herself, and no one else.
Then she logged onto her website, reverted Alexis’s changes, and updated the passwords.
Spa days, really. If she did decide to shift her focus, she would have planned truly unique bonding experiences, customized to the group and utterly memorable.
She was startled by a heavy banging on the door of her bunkie. That had to be Penny, which meant her day was about to somehow get worse.
The knock came again, and she steeled herself. If she opened the door carefully, it would offer her some kind of protection from the vengeful knife or fist she was sure Penny would be wielding. She stared at the handle, calculating angles, before she realized it wasn’t even locked.
A third tap came. “Valerie?”
Oh, thank God. She opened the door to Nico.
“I thought you were going to be Penny,” she said in relief.
“Just me.”
Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, Valerie felt tired, and hearing Nico’s voice made her chest ache. She couldn’t even meet his gaze, so her last memory of him was going to be of his chin, rather than those eyes. A fitting end to the summer.
“Look, Nico, I know you probably hate me and I get it. I’m leaving. I’ll get Dalia to pick me up. I’m sorry. Please tell Roger.” They’d been united against Penny, but that was done.
“I don’t hate you.” Nico came into the bunkie and shut the door. “We can deal with the Badgertons later. We have more important things to talk about.”
Valerie turned to pick up a shirt and dropped it when she realized it was Penny’s. “More important than what just happened?”
“Yes.”
He was right that they needed to talk, although that fight felt like hours ago. Days. “I should have told you right away about Yvette and Rory. You were a bit right. I got caught up in the excitement of it. I made an impulsive decision and I made it based on myself.”
It wasn’t until the end that she had the courage to raise her head.
Nico looked in her eyes although she could tell he felt uncomfortable. “I was hurt you didn’t tell me right away,” he said. “It was important to me and you kept it hidden.”
“It was wrong of me,” she said. “I wanted to make it a thing because that way I’d be part of it. Central, as you put it.”
“I’m sorry. I should have phrased it better.”
“Probably, but sometimes you need to hear it straight, you know? Without a sugar coating that you can hide under like an icing jacket.”
“That image is terrible.”
“Really? I thought it was sweet.”
That made him laugh, a little, but it was enough to break the tension. “I understand why you want to be involved. I do, too, but this is Roger’s life. Not ours.”
“I know.” She watched a thin branch dip by the window as a little sparrow lit on it. “I’m sorry for being mean about Roger and your relationship. It’s none of my business.”
“It made me think. I’ve always liked being needed by Roger, and I thought it would be disloyal to quit even when I wanted something else.”
“I liked being part of this family for a while,” she said in a low voice. “They’re kind of a mess but I thought they cared about each other. Like the other day.”
“What other day?”
“David and Roger were standing together and talking on the dock after he taught me how to kayak. I could see how relaxed they were, and when David said something, Roger whacked him on the back and they both laughed hard enough they had to hold each other up.” It had stuck in her memory because she’d had the same sense of being a permanent observer she experienced with her own family.
He reached out for her hand and she gave it to him without hesitation. They were silent for a moment.
“I’m really sorry, Nico,” she said.
“So am I.” He wrapped his arms around her and she pressed her cheek against his shoulder, trying to keep the tears back.
“How do you feel about finding Rory?” he asked after a moment.
“It’s weird saying her name, don’t you think?”
She felt him nod. “Rogette was good, too, but this makes her real.”
“I resented it a little at first,” she admitted, releasing him.
She needed to move while she talked. It was too much to stand there.
“I was jealous she had this waiting for her. I know that’s terrible and there’s going to be a lot of feelings and trauma and bad stuff, but all I could see was how badly Roger wanted to know his daughter, and how hard he was trying to find her. ”
“I understand.” He picked up a flowered skirt from the doorknob and handed it to her. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”
“It feels like my fault.” She stuffed in the skirt. “A bit.”
“Let’s agree the lion’s share is Roger,” Nico suggested. “Which means it’s on him to fix it. Or mitigate it in some way.”
“Yeah.”
Nico took her hand again. “Hey. I know you’re upset, but this isn’t your problem to solve.”
“I know, because I’m not a Badgerton.”
“No. Me neither.”
“It was nice to belong for a bit.” She sighed and looked at her feet.
“You’ll find more people to love you in the way you deserve.”
“Will I?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
He kissed her ear. “I promise.”
She wanted to believe him, and when he kissed her again, she let herself.
He was right. There would be more people to love and support her.
Perhaps it began here, with Nico, and that thought chased away everything else for a moment.
She rested against him and they watched the leaves through the window.
Nico’s arm wrapped around Valerie until her skin, which had been cool, warmed under his touch.
“Have you told Roger?” she asked.
“I texted him that we needed to talk but then this all happened.”
“It’s news to give in person,” she agreed. “We should find him.”
“Soon,” he said. “After we decide where to go.”