Chapter 51
Alessa
After Holden and Ryder left, Dex practically dragged me upstairs. He had me naked and was inside me before we hit the bed. I’m now curled up on his chest, still trying to regain my ability to breathe with him drawing patterns on my back.
“What are you drawing?” I ask when I can breathe.
“I.” He draws the I. “Love.” He draws a heart. “You.” He draws a U.
I look into his grey eyes, the sincerity shining through. “I love you too.”
He tucks me closer to his side, and I can tell something else is on his mind. I lay there and wait for him to tell me what he’s thinking.
“I’m worried about tonight,” he admits. “This is big, Baby girl.”
“I know.” I snuggle closer. “We’re the best, though. We got this.”
“Is Leo going?”
I sigh. “Yeah. I promised I would let him make his own decisions. He doesn’t want to be put on the sidelines.”
I listened to Doc rave yesterday about how good Leo was healing and how good Ryder was taking care of the wound. He’s allowed to remove the gauze during the day so it can breathe, and it’s hard to believe that he was shot three days ago.
“Leo is tougher than we gave him credit for,” Dex rumbles.
I laugh at that. “I know. He made sure I was aware that I’ve been underestimating him.”
“What happened yesterday, Baby girl?” he asks, and I don’t need him to elaborate.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I told Leo the truth about what happened with Frankie and who I was. My head had already concluded that he wouldn’t stay, and suddenly, I couldn’t get away fast enough.
I felt like I needed to claw my skin off, and the only thing running through my head was I needed to run.
Memories kept popping up from that day, and the panic attack hit.
It all played out in my head like I was watching from someone else’s eyes. ”
“That’s what used to happen to me when someone touched me.
It was like someone was playing my biggest failure on a big screen,” Dex admits, and I freeze.
He never talks about this. “I convinced myself all those years ago that you wouldn’t want me after that, so I pushed you away instead of running.
Every one of those panic attacks or doubts you have; is triggered by something.
” I feel my eyes fill with tears and try to stop them before it drops onto his chest. He pulls my face up to look at him.
“You helped me through mine. Let us help you.” The fact I am practically lying on top of Dex proves that I did help him.
“I don’t know how,” I admit quietly. “I don’t know how to admit I have a weakness. I’m not supposed to be weak.”
“You aren’t weak, Les,” he says, pulling me up so my arms are crossed on his chest so I can look into his eyes. “You’re human with human feelings and emotions. You just need to learn to lean into your human part, not shut it out.”
“I’m afraid too. I’m afraid I'll fall apart if I let the human side all the way in.”
He puts his big hands on my face. “We’re here to put you back together. You have five guys more than willing to lay down their lives for you. Let us be who you need us to be. I see the human Les in there. I see her with every I love you, every sigh, every laugh, every kiss. Let her be free.”
“I’ll try,” I promise, tears running freely down my face.
They always joked for a long time that I was the ice queen, but one by one, these guys melted the ice surrounding my heart, allowing me to feel again, and it scares the shit out of me.
I’m afraid once I let her out, I won’t be able to lock her up again when I need to make split-second decisions about whether someone lives or dies.
What if I make the wrong decision, and one of mine dies because of it?
I look at Dex through tears and take a leap of faith. “If I jump, you guys have to catch me.”
“Always, Baby girl.” He crushes me to his chest.
My biggest shame is letting Zane through that carefully constructed wall. He slid right through every defense I have, and my body reacted to him just like it used to.
“I almost let Zane kiss me yesterday,” I admit with my cheek buried against Dex’s chest. If any of them can stay levelheaded, I hope it’s him. I feel his muscles tense under me and brace myself.
“Explain that,” he simply says.
I explain the meeting in the office, what happened after Ryder left, and everything Zane said and admitted to. I had no idea he became a cop for the reasons he told me; I never gave him a chance. The hatred for police runs deep, and it’s not something I could cope with.
Dex is quiet for so long that I take a chance and peek at his face. He doesn’t look mad, exactly. He looks like he’s contemplating murder, but not mine, at least.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” he finally asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer. “What Zane and I had was forbidden then. Ya know? It was hot, secretive, and fun.”
“Baby girl,” Dex says sternly, making me look at him again. “If that’s all it was, it wouldn’t have hurt that bad when you realized he lied to you.”
He hit the nail right on the head. The one thing I’ve been trying to avoid this whole time is admitting I ever cared about Zane. Dex knew about my relationship with Zane; he was always my confidant. He just doesn’t know one thing.
“The night I found out he was a cop, I was going to tell him how I felt. I was going to tell him I was ready to tell my dad about us like he had been begging me to.”
“Fuck,” Dex grumbles. “Does he know that?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I don’t trust him, Les. He might have implied he was willing to share, but there is no way that motherfucker would or could.”
I don’t want to point out I didn’t think Ryder could either, not that I am considering letting Zane in. He sighs, pulling me up on his chest, watching everything play across my face. “You know we will give you whatever you want. Is Zane something you want?”
I shake my head automatically. “I have all I need, Dex.” My body might have reacted to him yesterday, but I’m not going to let it happen again. I won’t risk what the guys and I are building with each other.
I snuggle back into his chest when he starts drawing patterns again, knowing I have a thousand things to do but not wanting to leave his arms.
Taking the time to reconnect with Leo on a singular level last night made me realize I need to spend more one-on-one time with my guys. I’m glad Dex dragged me upstairs; I need this time with him too. I love my time with all the guys, but they need to know they’re as special to me as I am to them.
Even though the aftermath of telling Leo the truth resulted in a massive breakdown, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He knows everything now, including that I can’t have children, something I was okay with until I met these guys.
They deserve someone that could give them kids that they can raise.
All the guys would make amazing fathers, and it hurts me that I can’t give them that.
I’m sure it’s a conversation we will have later on down the road but now isn’t the time.
Even though I know deep down in my soul I love every one of them, we’re still in the beginnings of a relationship.
After another hour of lying around, Dex and I finally climb out of bed and take a shower together.
He washes my hair and cleans me off, all with no intention of trying to have sex with me again.
Most of the time, when we are close to each other in some sort of undress, we end up fucking.
Dex says he wants to take care of me, and I let him because I’m going to try to let that part of my guard down.
Admitting to him that I feel like my human side is my weakness comes with the realization that hiding her is my trigger. I won’t let her in, so when I do, it bombards me with emotions.
We slowly make our way downstairs in search of much-needed food. When I walk into the kitchen, I immediately step back out, peeking around the corner.
“What is it?” Dex whispers.
“You look,” I whisper and clamp a hand over my mouth to stop the laugh threatening to bubble out.
Dex peeks around and steps back. “What the fuck?”
I look around to make sure my eyes aren’t deceiving me, and sure enough, I see what I thought I saw.
Evander is standing at the counter with Micah close behind him, whispering something so low I can’t hear, but Evander’s face tells me all I need to know. What is going on in that pool house?
“What are you…” Gage says, popping around the other corner.
Dex clamps a hand over his mouth, and we drag him to Holden's office, shutting the door.
“What the fuck?” Dex says again, letting Gage go.
Gage looks between us. “What the hell is wrong with you two?”
“I’m pretty sure my uncle was just talking dirty to Evander in the kitchen,” I say, the laugh finally bubbling over.
“I knew it,” Gage hisses, pumping his fist in the air. “I’m going to investigate.” He slips from the room before we can grab him.
He’s gone for five minutes before we walk out to see what’s going on. Gage comes sliding out of the kitchen laughing, Micah hot on his heels. “Abort mission! Abort mission!” Gage yells, running toward the front door; it shuts with a bang behind them.
Evander walks out and looks at me with a look I can’t decipher. “So, what’s up?” I say as casually as I can, making Dex cover a laugh with a cough.
Micah stomps back into the hallway from outside. “Go get your boyfriend,” he growls, pointing to the front door. I notice the grass stains on Micah’s jeans and lose it laughing, knowing he and Gage were wrestling in the front yard. It wouldn’t be the first time, either. “Cut it out, shithead.”
That just makes it worse, causing Dex to double over too. Micah makes a grab for me, and I run with a screeching laugh. Ryder pops through the garage door with Holden right when I’m in front of it. I jump into his arms and slide behind him, clinging to his neck.
“What the hell?” Ryder asks with a laugh, tucking his arms under my ass.