Chapter 9 Zane
Zane
When I heard the banging on my door, Gage was the last person I expected to see. I’ve been so drunk for the past two weeks after my conversation with the department I thought I imagined it until he shoved coffee down my throat.
After Les left with her guys, Ghost gave me a ride to the police department after letting me borrow a shirt and some shoes.
That’s when I found out they were opening an investigation against me for disappearing with a known criminal and now what they were calling the disappearance of Jay.
That motherfucker set a mile-long trail that made it look like I did something to him and then skipped town.
They said they weren’t looking to save me; they were looking for me to start the investigation.
I was put on administrative duty until further notice because until now, my record was clean.
I turned in my service weapon and badge the next day and told my boss, Hartley, to fuck off.
Les and I went through six weeks in hell, and no one gave a fuck but her guys. It’s a sad day when the Mafia cares more than the police department I’ve worked for the past seven goddamn years. All that hurt, all the time away from Les, was for nothing.
I don’t know what’s going on with Gage and Leo, so I let myself into the house I’ve walked through so many times. I walk in; Dex is standing with his arms crossed over his chest. He doesn’t look happy to see me but doesn’t look like he wants to kill me, either. I guess that’s a good thing.
“I’m doing this for Les,” he rumbles, standing to his full height. “One word from her, and you’re gone. No arguments. Got it?”
I jerk a nod. “Does she know I’m here?”
“No.”
I frown at that. “Don’t you think you should tell her?”
“No.”
Alright then.
He eyes me again before walking away from me toward the stairs.
Following him upstairs, he gives me one last warning look before pushing a door open.
The first thing that hits me is her sweet vanilla scent and my eyes land on her.
She’s sitting on the little balcony that sits outside of her bedroom.
I walk in further and steel myself just in case she doesn’t want me here.
Dex shuts the door behind him softly when he walks out.
“Les,” I say quietly, and her head whips around.
“Zane?” she whispers, her eyes filling with tears.
“Yeah, Beautiful,” I answer and sit on the bench beside her, even though all I want to do is gather her in my arms.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, wiping her tears away.
I chuckle. “I had an interesting visitor.” She raises an eyebrow in question. “Gage.”
Both eyebrows shoot to her hairline. “Gage came and got you?”
Yeah. The fucker almost drowned me in coffee. “He did. How are you doing?” It’s a stupid question, but I need to know.
She looks back over at the view. “Not good. You?”
I want to lie and tell her I’m fine, but I can’t. “Same.” We lapse into an awkward silence, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. “I quit the department.”
“You did what?” she asks, looking back at me. It feels like a thousand degrees outside, and she’s in an oversized hoodie with her knees tucked underneath it. It has to be Dex’s by the sheer size of it. Even covered completely, she’s never been more beautiful to me.
I fill her in on what the department told me, and her eyes widen in shock. “I’m sorry, Zane.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“You wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for me,” she says, those tears welling in her eyes again.
“Hey,” I say, grabbing one of her hands. “I did this myself. None of this is your fault.”
“Yes. It is,” she says, jerking her hand away. “If I had just left you alone, you never would have been meeting us that day.”
I pull her hand back, clasping it in both of mine. “And then you would have been alone. That’s worse. I don’t give a fuck about that job, Beautiful. I only care about you.”
“You shouldn’t,” she whispers, turning those blue eyes on me.
I frown. “Why the hell not?”
“I’m broken,” she chokes out. “All I see is his face. I keep having this nightmare that he killed you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m a fucking mess. Get away while you still can.” She tries to pull her hand away again, but I hold tight.
“Listen to me,” I practically growl. “I just came off a two-week drinking binge. We went through some deep shit, Les. No one expects you to be okay. We can be a mess together.”
A half sob-half laugh bubbles out of her at my words before she sobers again. “We can’t be anything together.”
I knew this was coming, and I was prepared. “I went through hell once for you, and I’ll do it again. I didn’t tell you I loved you while we were there just because I thought we might die. I told you because I always have, and I needed you to know that.”
“It’s not just up to me, Zane. I won’t hurt them. They’re everything to me,” she tells me honestly. She’s not telling me that to hurt me; I know that. She’s just letting me know where she stands.
“I’m not giving up on us, even if that means I have to share you,” I reply.
I hinted at it when I almost kissed her in her office that day, but I never said the words.
Now she has no doubt about how far I’m willing to go for her.
I’m not telling her any of this to make it harder for her.
I’m telling her, so she knows I will do anything to be in her life.
If I’m honest with myself, the drinking didn’t just stem from me quitting my job or what they told me.
Drinking is the only way I can quiet the madness in my head.
All I heard were her cries, her whimpers, and her screams. I could do nothing to help her the whole time this was going on.
I can’t even describe how that makes me feel.
“We have too much history, Zane. It would never work,” she says finally. I feel like she’s trying to convince herself as much as me that this wouldn’t work.
“Why did you say you needed me, then?” I ask gently.
“I needed to know you were okay.”
I think it’s more than that, but I’m not going to point that out. Yet. “I’m not going to lie to you and say I’m fine. Because I’m not. But I will be. We both will.” Before long; she’ll return to her throne as Queen Poletti; this won’t keep her down for long.
She surprises me by scooting closer and snuggling into my side. I let her hand go so I can wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer. I lay my cheek on top of her head and soak it in.
“Where do we go from here, Zane?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. I know what I want, but I refuse to push her. The time will come when she’ll admit to herself that she needs me as much as I need her.
“Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you had never joined the police academy?” I know what she’s asking. She wants to see if I think we would still be together.
“Every damn day.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I can’t tell you I still would have been okay with it, but at least I wouldn’t feel like our entire relationship was a lie.”
I close my eyes at her admission. “I’m a selfish bastard, Les. I wanted as much time with you as I could. I knew the moment I told you; we would be done.” And we were. The moment she found out, she left me without a thought.
“I wasn’t mad about the police academy,” she says, her voice taking on a sleepy note. “I was hurt that you lied to me.”
One of my biggest regrets in life is lying to her, but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I was going to graduate from the police academy, remove her from the danger of being a Poletti, and protect her. I wanted her to be mine, last name and all.
“I shouldn’t have lied to you. If I could go back in time, I would; then you would be mine.”
I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. “Then I wouldn’t have what I have with my boys.” I know if she weren’t half asleep, she wouldn’t be admitting to any of this, so I decide to push my luck.
“I could be one of your boys.” I am a grown-ass man, ten years her senior; it feels funny referring to myself as one of her “boys.” But I know what she means.
“Hm,” she hums, her head lulling on my shoulder. Knowing she passed out, I settle back on the bench so she’s more comfortable lying on my chest. I pick up her hand in my own and rub my fingers over the fading bruises and scratches on her knuckles from our fight to get away.
All the wounds on the outside will heal; the mind takes time. This is the second time Les has gone through something like this. I know she’ll come out of it, but will she ever really heal? Or will this always be in her mind, where she can’t live the life she deserves?
Les deserves everything. The sun, the stars, the moon, all that shit.
I may not like her choice of guys, but even I can admit they would lay the world at her feet if they could.
I can see it in how they are protective over her, look at her, and have no qualms about threatening a motherfucker who gets too close.
Will they ever let me into their fold? Gage may have come to get me today, but that was just for Les.
She said she needed something, and he jumped to get it. Just like I know they all would.
One day she is going to let me do it too.