Chapter 11 Ryder
Ryder
“Keep your fucking voice down,” Dex growls, shoving me into the garage.
“Are you fucking serious?!” I ask after he shuts the door. “Fucking Zane is in this house, and you’re telling me to keep my voice down?”
Dex levels me with a glare that would make anyone else shit their pants. “When you can calm the hell down, we can talk. Until then, stew in your own shit,” Dex barks, walking back into the house and shutting the door behind him.
I roughly shove my hands through my hair, pacing.
I know Zane saved Les; that doesn’t mean I want him here, comforting her like none of us have been able to.
She lets us sleep with her at night, sure.
But she still wakes up screaming and crying.
I’ve lived the past seven years hating him for what he did to Les.
I don’t know how to separate that from him being here for her when we can’t.
Taking several calming breaths, I shove back into the house. Dex is waiting on the other side of the door. “You yell one more fucking time, and I will bury you alive in the backyard. Are we clear?”
I roll my shoulders to release some tension and nod; he stares at me for so long that I start getting pissed all over again before he walks toward the living room.
Gage and Leo are sitting on the couch, and Gage looks guilty as hell.
Holden is sitting on the loveseat, so I sit beside him; something about him always calms me down.
Dex folds his big ass into the chair to my left and levels me with a look.
“Yes. Zane’s here. She needed him,” Dex tells me, and I can’t stop the eye roll.
“How the fuck would you know that?” I ask.
“Because she told me,” Gage says quietly, and I jerk my head toward him. Leo grabs his knee and squeezes in support. “She told me she needed him, so I got him. It was fucking bad when I got there.”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I growl. “He has no business anywhere near her.”
“You should give a fuck,” Gage retorts, steeling his spine and sitting up. “They went through all that. Together. You don’t know what…” he trails off and takes a deep breath. “You don’t know what they went through. “
“And you do?” I rage. “You should have talked to us first.”
Gage shrugs. “I should have, but you know I don’t always think shit through. She told me to jump; I didn’t even ask how high. I just fucking did it.” He runs his hand through his crazy hair. “When I went in there this morning, she told me some of what happened.”
I can see the war he’s waging with himself by not breaking her confidence by telling us. For once, I’m not going to push for information; I can wait until she’s ready to tell us all. “How bad?” I ask instead.
“Bad,” he whispers. “Zane was there the whole time, too.”
Fucking hell. I don’t even need to ask what he means; I know.
We can put the pieces together from that small portion we saw in that video.
But that means she went through what we saw a snippet of for six weeks.
My stomach drops to my feet; I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I feel Holden slide his hand across my back, relaxing me again slightly.
“Tell him what you found at Zane’s apartment,” Leo encourages, giving me a look not to say anything.
Six weeks ago, I would have slit his throat for that look.
Now, though, I have so much respect for how he stepped up, taking his role with this family seriously.
He deals with Gage’s mood swings in stride, something not everyone can do.
Including his mom and then his dad. When Les kicked his dad’s ass to the curb, Gage never heard from him again.
“He was drunk as fuck. Reeked of alcohol. His apartment was a wreck, and he was even worse,” Gage says, looking into my eyes.
I can see the torment behind them. “He quit the department but didn’t elaborate.
” He scoots to the edge of the chaise, bracing his arms on his thighs.
“They need each other, Ryder, whether we want it or not.”
“You should see her right now,” Leo says, blowing a breath out. “It’s the most peaceful I’ve seen her since we got her back.” I drop my head back on the couch. That is not what I want to hear. “She’s been asleep for four hours. No nightmares.”
I sit back up fast. “They’re in the same bed?” I grind out. Are they out of their fucking minds?
“No, dipshit. They’re on her balcony,” Dex answers gruffly. “I’ve checked on them several times. Gage is right. She needs him.”
“This is Zane. Are none of you getting that? Fucking Zane. The same Zane who broke her fucking heart. The same Zane who took advantage of her when she was a teenager,” I argue.
Gage snorts. “Do you think Les would let anyone knowingly take advantage of her? You’re lying to yourself if you think that.”
“I just want her to be happy again,” Holden says softly. I drop back on the couch, closing my eyes. Every single one of them is against me on this. I can’t let Zane back into her life.
“I can’t do it,” I admit. “I can’t watch her be with him.”
“Did none of this teach you a fucking thing?” Leo says harshly. I lean back up and look at him. His eyes are on fire. “We fought each other every step of the way, and we both almost lost her. You push Zane away? And you will lose her.”
“This isn’t about what you want, Ryder. Or any of us,” Holden says, and I look at him. “It’s about what she wants. What she needs.”
Deep down, I know that. But everything in me is rebelling against letting him within a hundred feet of her, and knowing he’s upstairs holding her is tearing me to shreds. Long since buried, feelings of losing her to him come roaring to the surface.
I will let them have tonight; then he has to go.
We never heard a sound from Les all night long.
Gage went into her room after midnight and had them get into bed. I had to fight every instinct not to fight him on it. I checked on her every hour out of habit; she was always draped over his chest with his arms wrapped around her. Gage said she never even woke up when he carried her to bed.
Not one noise, scream, or cry came from her all night. It’s almost ten a.m., and she still isn’t awake, meaning she just slept for nearly twenty-four hours. I’m glad she got to sleep; she needs it. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to rip his goddamn hands off, though.
Gage slides into a chair in front of me at the dining room table where I’ve been sitting, sipping coffee and aimlessly scrolling through my phone. At one point, I thought I would have to glue my ass to the chair so I didn’t kick Zane out.
“What’s up?” Gage asks.
I look up slowly. “What’s up? Seriously?”
He shrugs. “I didn’t know what else to say. What did you want me to say? Hey Ryder, you still pissed your girl is in Zane’s arms right now?”
I narrow my eyes. “Why do you want to die so fucking early in the day?”
He grins. “If you wanted me dead, you would have killed me last night.”
I sit my coffee cup down. “How are you okay with this?” The rest of them seem to be taking this in stride while I’ve been silently seething all night long.
“I’m not,” he admits, “But I’ve been reading about this. They’re trauma bonded or some shit.”
Is Gage doing research? The only thing I’ve ever seen him read is Les’ smutty books.
“Trauma bonded?” I repeat.
“Yeah,” he says animatedly, some of the old Gage showing through.
“It’s when two people go through something bad together and come out with a bond.
It’s why Les needed Zane to sleep, and Zane was a drunken, disgusting fucking mess.
They already have a history with each other, so it just brought them closer. ”
“I repeat, how the fuck can you be okay with this?” I ask, waving my hand upstairs.
“I repeat. I’m not,” Gage says and stands up. “I’m just smart enough to figure out that if we don’t let this happen, Les will be gone from us forever.”
He strides out of the room, leaving me staring at where he disappeared.
Even through my bullshit, I can see Gage seems different today.
He didn’t have that kicked puppy look, and he smiled.
I feel it has nothing to do with saving Zane from himself and everything to do with finally giving Leo some slack.
I give up trying to distract myself with my phone and decide to work out.
I run through the paces I usually do until I have sweat pouring down my face, my muscles screaming in protest. I shower in the gym bathroom when I’m finally done punishing myself, get dressed, and check the time on my phone.
I’ve been at it for two hours, and my mind still doesn’t feel any clearer.
When I make it to the kitchen, Les sits at the island with Gage and Leo on each side of her, nursing a cup of coffee. Zane is nowhere to be found. I don’t think he’s brave enough to show his face anywhere else in the house.
She turns when she hears me, and her face lights up with the first genuine smile I’ve seen from her. Her eyes are bright, less haunted. She looks…happy. Happy to see me.
Fuck.
I swallow my feelings. “Hey, Il mio sole,” I greet, kissing her lips.
“Hey,” she says softly. I walk around to the other side and lean against the counter in front of them.
“We were just trying to figure out what we wanted for lunch,” Leo says, warning me with his eyes to keep my mouth shut.
“I want Dolly’s,” Les answers. “I’m starving,” she groans.
I know the shock shows on my face when Leo narrows his eyes again. Les has barely eaten a thing and threw it back up when she did. I fix my face. “Dolly’s it is, then.”
She shows Gage what she wants to order before saying she’s going to shower. As soon as she’s out of the room, I ask the one question burning through my head. “Where is he?”
“Dex and Holden took him home,” Gage answers without looking up from his phone. When he doesn’t continue, I look at Leo.
“She didn’t say anything,” Leo answers without me even asking the question.
I need to know what she thinks about all this.
I need to know I’m not tying myself in knots over this for nothing.
Something already tells me she wants this, though, without the words having to leave her mouth.
“She looks good, man,” Leo says softly. “And we know why.”
I do, damnit, I do. He gave her the one thing that we couldn’t.
Comfort. What does that say about us? Although she swore she didn’t, some of me feels like she blames us for what happened, and I don’t blame her.
We fucked up. Big time. We should have protected her better, not put her on the damn front lines all the time.
Les comes back downstairs in a cloud of that vanilla scent, wet hair piled on top of her head, a gigantic t-shirt that I’m sure is mine, and loose sweatpants, always making sure every scar she has is covered.
Seeing them in person for the first time made me want to go on a fucking killing spree.
Killing anyone who ever wronged her until we found that asshole.
Gage didn’t tell us what she told him; he didn’t have to, but he did tell us what happened between them.
I was pissed, relieved, and jealous all at the same time.
But relief won out because Gage needed her as much as she needed him at that moment.
They also went through something together, and they needed that connection back.
“I messaged Dex. He’s going to pick it up on his way back,” Gage says, kissing her on her forehead when she sits beside him.
“Okay,” she says with a smile. Like she can feel me staring at her, her eyes raise to meet mine. “Spit it out.”
“Spit what out?” I ask, knowing what the hell she’s saying. She raises an eyebrow, which is much like the old Les. I sigh. “What happened yesterday?”
“We talked. We fell asleep. End of story,” she answers, nervously spinning her phone on the counter. Holden gave it to her the minute she stepped back through that door. He’s also been working on a tracking device for each of us to wear, but she doesn’t know that yet.
“Talked about what?” Leo asks, reaching out and stopping the spinning.
She drops her hands in her lap, her eyes dropping with them. “Everything. I know you guys are mad at me. It’s okay if you are.”
Nope. This isn’t going to fucking do. Les doesn’t cower from anyone; I sure as hell won’t let her think she needs to do it in front of me.
“Look at me,” I say, bracing my hands on the counter. I wait until her eyes meet mine. “We aren’t mad at you,” I tell her, and it’s only a slight lie. But watching her feel guilty about needing him makes me realize how much she does. “We just want what’s best for you.”
“Even if that’s Zane,” Gage continues, picking up what I’m saying. I can’t get the words to form, so I’m grateful.
She shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes. I’ve never seen her cry this much, and I would give anything to take it away. “We can’t. I told him that.”
Gage looks at me expectantly, knowing I’m the reason she’s holding back. I’ve let my distaste for him be known loudly for years.
“Do you want him?” I ask. “Don’t lie,” I tell her when she starts to shake her head. The tears say it all. “We can’t work anything out if you lie.”
Tears splash down her cheeks. “I’d never hurt you guys.”
I harden my resolve. “You won’t. When Holden and Dex get back, we’ll sit down and talk about it.”
This needs to be said in front of all of us. She needs to admit to herself and us what she needs. Or wants, for that matter. We went into this as a unit; we need to discuss it as one.
Can I put everything aside for this?
We’re about to find out.