CHAPTER FOURTEEN #4
His eyes rise back to mine, penetrating me, not tearing away even as his breathing deepens, the rise and fall of his ribs quickening.
His body rocks forward a bit, and small grunts escape his parted lips.
My eyes dance around his arm that moves in fast succession, his chest glistening with a layer of sweat, sultry and hot.
“Hands up,” he says in a hoarse tone. I raise them again, not realizing I even dropped them .
I squirm on the bed as I feel the wetness slide down my inner thigh. I grab a pillow and press it between my legs, the spot throbbing for more pressure, more weight, more friction—begging for touch.
“Hands,” he orders.
I raise them for the third time, practically tearing out my hair. I tremble and let out a small whimper.
I can’t wait anymore.
“Lo,” I cry out.
“Hold on, love,” he encourages kindly, but his eyes say something different. Hold the fuck on. He’s testing me. I know it. And I want to pass and succeed and show him that I can fight my compulsions.
I keep my eyes on his and try not to look anywhere else. It barely helps since he stares at me like he wants to be deep inside of me. God, what I’d give for that…
After another long moment he says, “Drop your hands.”
That’s all it takes.
My hands fall and slide down, feeling the wetness for the first time. I gasp and moan all at once and nearly collapse backwards onto my pillow. I need you , I want to scream. Please.
“Eyes on me, Lil.”
I prop my body on a weak elbow and try to keep my focus on him without tilting my head back, without my eyelids fluttering closed.
I am so…close to being completely and utterly gone.
I alternate between rubbing and sliding my fingers inside.
The pressure mounts, spiking my nerves on every surface of my skin.
Even though he wants me to look at him, his eyes begin to drift from mine.
They lower from my breasts to my abdomen to my wrist where the screen ends.
At the same time my hips buck, he jerks forward a little. Our breathing synchronizes with our heady movements. And all of a sudden, it feels as though he’s really here. Inside of me.
He reaches up and tilts the screen down. For a mere second, he lets me see what he’s doing—his hand grips the base of his cock and runs up and down along the shaft. The camera moves back up to his face, and I’m lit on fire. I need to come. I need to release now .
His arm quickens, and my moans grow louder. I hear him groan in a deep husky breath. My body tightens, clenches and squeezes while my toes curl. The whole world rotates. I claw at the sheets with my free hand and ride the high out.
A few moments later, I flop against the bed, my elbow giving way to exhaustion and my staggered, heavy breathing. My stomach, breasts, thighs and ass are slick with sweat. God…that was incredible.
I want to feel it again.
Impulsively, my hand trails down my body and touches my tender mound. A moan escapes my lips, and I rub harder.
“Lily.” Lo’s voice fills my head. I close my eyes and slip my fingers inside.
Yes.
“Lily. Stop .”
My eyes snap open, but I keep my hand between my thighs.
Gently, I prop myself up to look at the screen.
In the little box to the left, I see myself sprawled on my bed in this position, but Lo only has a view of my belly button up, my legs drifting past the computer.
But I suppose it’s obvious what I was doing.
I avoid his gaze. “Give me a second,” I tell him in a soft, guilty whisper. I lie down and disappear fully from his sight, the screen tilted towards my headboard, not the mattress. My fingers move once more. I need to feel it again.
“Fuck,” Lo curses. “Lily! I said stop .” I hear him. I do, but listening is so fucking hard. And a selfish, horrible part of me wants to kick the computer closed to drown out his demands. The pressure intensifies as I stand on another precipice, preparing to jump. Oh God…
“Lily, sit up so I can see you,” he orders.
I can’t. I rub faster and harder and longer.
I need more. I’ve always needed more. I cry, my bony shoulders digging into the mattress, my body writhing.
I want his hands to pick me up, to throw me into his chest, his muscles to meld into me .
My eyes clench closed, and I imagine it all.
That he’s hard against me—that he’s inside, waiting for me to come, whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay if I just release while I’m filled with him.
Yes! I scream, my spine arching, my body prickling with a fire so hot that I can barely breathe. I hit it. Again. And then…I begin to come down. My open mouth closes, and my heartbeat slows, moving past the irregular, erratic pace and towards something I hate.
“Goddammit, Lily,” Lo snaps. “Sit the fuck up, now. ”
My eyes widen in horror at what I’ve done, burning with guilty tears.
Everything feels different this time. I pull my hand away and mechanically hoist my sluggish body to a sitting position.
I hunch forward and hold a nearby throw blanket to my chest. “I didn’t mean…
” I bite my fingernail and wipe an escaped tear.
Shame crashes into me like a hundred pound wave.
I can’t even look at the screen to meet Lo’s disappointed gaze.
I understand now. Why he wanted me to listen to him from the beginning. So we could avoid this. What’s even worse is beneath the festering shame and guilt, there’s a small part of me that wants to do it again. Maybe after we end the Skype conversation… no!
“Did that feel good?” he asks in a tense voice.
Which part? And why do I have to ruin everything? I stare pathetically at my hands. “Don’t look at me like that,” I whisper.
“You haven’t even looked at me yet,” he murmurs.
I inhale a strained breath and finally gain the courage to meet his gaze.
No judgment crosses his features. Instead, his amber eyes swim with empathy that I do not deserve.
And I see the worry, as though I broke his heart, as though the extremity and horror of my compulsions just fully registered in his head.
“I’m sorry,” I choke. I rub my tears before they fall. “You don’t have to…” be with me. I am a monster .
“I love you,” he says. “We’re going to work on this together.” Translation: I’m not going anywhere.
“I want to do it again,” I admit in a small voice.
“I know.” He rubs his lips in thought.
“So…then can we do it together again…tonight?” He’s just mad I did it without him, surely.
“We’re done for today,” he says, each word like a mountain he has to climb.
“But I only came twice.” Fear pushes into my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
“And I was only going to let you come once,” he says. “I tried to exhaust you, but it’s hard. I should have made you wait longer, and you should have listened to me afterwards. We’re going to get better at it though, but it’ll take time and practice.”
So that’s it for me. I’m not allowed to have any kind of self-love, and Lo is done for the night. I don’t want to do something moronic when he leaves. Don’t think about it, Lily. I let out a deep breath, but it barely calms me.
“Talk to me,” Lo says urgently. He rests his forearms on his bent knees. “What are you thinking, Lil?”
“I’m scared,” I mutter. “…I’m so terrified of what I may do.” I feel hot, searing tears scald tracks down my cheeks.
“I know it’s difficult. I can’t imagine someone giving me one beer and forcing me to stop there. I get it, Lil. I so fucking get it,” he says. “But you have to find the strength to wait. I know it’s there. You just have to dig.”
I let his words sink in for a full minute. A pain weighs on my chest, and it explodes with my next proclamation. “I wish you were here.” My chin quivers, and my voice gives out. I press my forehead to my knees, hiding my shattered expression.
“I am there, love,” he murmurs. “I’m right there with you.
” I hear the hurt in his voice. He tries to relax as much as possible, but it’s as though I’m gripping his heart as much as he’s clenching mine.
“You’re in my arms,” he tells me, “and I’m kissing your lips, your cheek, your nose…
” I shut my eyes and drift to his voice that begins to settle my torment.
“Your head le ans against my chest, and you listen to the beat of my heart as it slows. I hold your wrists, allowing you to gently come down from your high on my terms. You collapse against me.”
I look up to meet his gaze. It’s filled with hope, with longing and something more. Something that I think can only be shared between two broken people.
“And you stop struggling,” he whispers. “I watch your body relax against me, and then I kiss you on the top of your head. I tell you how proud I am of you, and how making you come once lasts a lifetime .”
My last tear falls. I can’t move to wipe it. I am transfixed by Loren Hale, my everything.
“I love you,” he says again, “and no other man will ever say those words and mean them the way I do.”
My chest hurts so badly. His words are beautiful and painful at the same time. Like us, I suppose. I have to be strong. For him. For me. For us. My throat has swollen, but I find the resolve to reply. “I’m going to spend the rest of the night with Rose.” I nod, solidifying the plan in my head.
“That’s a good idea,” he agrees. “How about you clean yourself up. Get dressed. Tell me goodbye, and then I’ll call Rose and make sure you’re with her.”
I nod again. I’d like that. So much. Having him on my side makes the unbearable feel tolerable. I just hope in the future our struggle will become easier.
Hope. Such a silly thing.
Sometimes it doesn’t come true.