Chapter 6 - Danae
Six
Danae
Evenings are the hardest if I’m off work.
Mornings are all muscle memory—coffee brewed on autopilot, Papa’s pills counted out beside the sink, the same cereal bowl washed and set upside down to dry.
Afternoons are busy catching up from working so many shifts, errands, and making sure things are prepared for the next set of shifts.
But evenings slow everything down enough for my thoughts to catch up with me.
That’s when the silence around me gets loud. The loneliness of the life I live catches up to me.
The living room is dim except for the lamp beside the couch.
Papa is asleep in his hospital bed still upright like he is waiting to be fed again, the television murmuring to itself.
I leave it on for him. Silence makes him anxious when he wakes up confused, and I’ve learned it’s easier to prevent the fear than talk him down from it later.
I curl my legs beneath me on the couch and stare at my phone. Josie’s name glows on the screen, and I smile before I even hit answer.
“Hey,” I say, keeping my voice low.
“Hey yourself,” she replies, already a little breathless. Everything takes more effort for her now. The baby will be here soon and the extra weight towards the end is more taxing for every woman. Even the most fit women still get a little breathless during those last few weeks. “You busy?”
“Never too busy for you.” I slip off the couch and head into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. “How are you feeling?”
We have always been close. I hate that she lives so far away, but when she married Jonah, her high school sweetheart, the Army took them away from our small town Arkansas life.
We have stayed in touch and I visit her as often as I can.
Especially when Jonah first died and she was raising little Justice alone.
She’s got a new man now, Dean. I don’t know him well and I look forward to my upcoming visit to get to know him better.
They are expecting their first child together and I am beyond excited for my cousin.
No one deserves happiness, protection, peace, and love more than Josie.
She laughs, short and tired. “Like I swallowed a watermelon whole and it’s fighting sitting tight refusing to come out.”
“That good, huh?”
“I dropped a sock earlier and just stood there staring at it,” she shares. “Trying to decide if it was worth bending over. And for a brief moment, considered just leaving it for Dean to pick up.”
“And?”
“It’s still on the floor.” We both laugh.
“I’m sure he won’t mind.” I reassure her.
She lets out a happy sigh, “he tells me to stop doing the laundry. He even tried to hire someone to come do the shopping and clothes and all the things. I said, I’m pregnant, Dean, not dying.”
I grin, picturing her kitchen in North Carolina, her hair probably shoved up into a messy knot, belly round and unapologetic. I miss her in a way that settles deep in my chest. I am beyond happy for the love she has found with Dean.
“I wish I were there,” I tell her the truth. God, how I wish I was with her for all the moments.
“I know. Soon, though. Once I have the baby we can come there.” Her voice softens. “What’s up? You don’t usually sound so somber.”
I glance toward the living room, making sure Grandpa hasn’t stirred. “I wanted to talk to you about coming down. I need a break, a little reset.”
Her breath catches. “You mean, you might come here?”
“I talked to my boss today,” I share. “I can take a couple weeks off, starting right after the baby’s born.”
“Oh my God, Danae.” Her voice cracks. “Are you serious?”
“Completely serious. I’ll help with the baby, cook, clean, do laundry, whatever you need. You’ll be sick of me by the end. And I’ll have time with Justice and new baby snuggles to reset me to come back to work and Gramps.”
“I will never be sick of you,” she replies immediately. “You have no idea how much that helps just my mind and emotions.”
I do, though. Because I need it too. A reason to leave my house without guilt.
A change of air. Somewhere I can be useful without being responsible for someone’s entire existence.
I love my grandpa, Papa to me, Josie, and Jackie.
I appreciate that my grandparents took me in and raised me after my mom’s death when I was eight.
I just never anticipated losing my grandmother and being left to be my grandfather’s caregiver.
Josie’s mom abandoned the family years ago after basically running away with the circus.
Okay, not the circus, but they joined a cult and anyone who didn’t align with their new lifestyle got left behind.
Josie’s sister isn’t here anymore, Jackie did help when she was in the area.
She moved to California with her wife to chase their dreams of dancing.
Josie is obviously hours away, sixteen hours to be exact if traffic is light with no wrecks on the interstates.
It landed on me and I don’t regret it. But I rarely get time to pour into myself.
I really never get time away from him and a chance to let go of the responsibility for a bit.
“I could use the break,” I admit.
“How’s Papa?” she asks gently.
I exhale. “Up and down. Nights are getting worse. He gets confused, sometimes angry. Some days he knows exactly who I am. Other days he looks at me like I’m a stranger in his house.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers and I know she struggles with being so far away.
“It’s okay,” I state automatically, because that’s what I always say. “I’ve got it handled.”
“I know you do,” she replies. “But that doesn’t mean you should have to.”
Her words land heavier than she probably realizes. Josie has always had a way of seeing through me without trying.
We talk logistics after that, flights, dates, where I’ll sleep now that the guest room is a nursery. I tell her I don’t care if I’m on the couch. She tells me she’ll argue anyway. She talks about the baby’s clothes folded neatly in drawers, the crib her husband put together like it was sacred work.
“He reads to my belly every night,” she shares fondly. “Like the kid can hear him already.”
I smile. “That’s really sweet.”
“It is,” she agrees. “I never thought I’d end up here, you know? Married. Pregnant. Safe, comfortable. Living this life where Justice is happy and gets to have a man in his life to teach him all the things and ways to do right by the people he loves.”
“Yeah,” I repeat quietly. “Me neither. I honestly thought we were all cursed.” Which is true. I lost my mom when I was eight, Josie and Jackie’s parents bailed on them. Josie lost Jonah while she was pregnant with Justice. No one seems to be able to stick around in our family.
There’s a pause. Not awkward. Just full of the peace she’s found and the happiness I have for her in getting this happily ever after.
“So,” she begins carefully, and I know that tone. “What else is going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I reply too quickly.
She snorts. “Danae.”
I close my eyes. I didn’t plan to tell her. I haven’t even fully admitted it to myself yet. But if I’m honest with anyone, it’s her.
“I did something kind of out of character,” I admit.
Her voice perks up instantly. “Oh?”
The butterflies in my belly flutter like crazy. Am I really about to tell someone? Josie isn’t just someone, though. She’s my person. My best friend. My family. “I had a one-night stand.”
Silence. Then, after a beat, she replied in shock. “You did not.”
“I did.”
“With a real human man?” she asks. “Maybe it was a dream?”
I laugh softly. “Yes. A real one. And parts of it were as good as a dream.”
“Oh my God,” she squeals, delighted. “Danae.”
“Don’t,” I warn. “Don’t make it a thing.”
“I’m absolutely making it a thing. You’ve never lost control and just cut loose.”
“I know,” I interrupt. “That’s why it’s weird.”
“When?” she asks. “Who?”
“A few weeks ago.” I admit on a sigh without answering the second part of her question.
“And you’re just telling me now?”
“I needed time,” I reply. “To process.”
She hums. “Okay. Tell me everything.”
I move to the window, resting my forehead against the cool glass. “It just happened,” I share. “I wasn’t looking for anything. One minute I was minding my own business, the next, well.”
“You were naked,” she interjects.
“Yes,” I respond, smiling despite myself. “That.”
“Was it good?”
I hesitate. Because good doesn’t even cover it. Saying it out loud makes it real and do I want this to be my reality?
“It was intense,” I reply instead.
She laughs. “That’s a yes.”
“It was a mistake,” I add quickly. Because I should have remained in control of myself.
“Was it?” she asks gently. “Consensual sex isn’t a bad thing, Danae.”
I swallow because it’s time to tell her the whole situation. “I don’t even know his name, Josie.”
There’s a pause. “You don’t know his name?”
I let out an uncomfortable laugh. “No. I didn’t ask. He didn’t ask mine either.”
“That is extremely unlike you.”
“Tell me about it.” I admit.
She’s quiet for a moment, then asks, “How did it make you feel?”
I stare out into the dark yard. The answer rises up before I can stop it. “Free,” I answer. “And reckless. And like I wasn’t carrying everything for once. Wild.”
She exhales slowly. “Maybe you needed that. Letting go isn’t a bad thing, Danae.”
“I needed a stranger?” I ask perplexed. “Josie Mosie, that’s not being responsible. I literally don’t know the man I gave access to my body.”
“You needed to remember you’re still you,” she replies firmly.
“You needed to feel like a woman. Embrace your feminine energy. You take on so much for all of us. You are allowed to have a moment for you. I’m happy for you.
For one night you got to be free. Not just a caregiver.
Not just the responsible one. Just Danae. ”
My throat tightens. “I didn’t tell him anything,” I reply softly. “About my life. About Grandpa. About any of it. For a few hours, none of it existed.”
“And then?” she asks.