Chapter Five #2
He kissed Ridge again, properly this time, his hands coming up to Ridge’s chest, and Ridge made a low sound against his mouth and kissed him back like he’d been waiting for permission.
Maybe he had been.
Kael wasn’t sure how they got inside. He had a vague impression of Ridge’s hand at the small of his back, of the door closing behind them, of moving through the dark hallway toward their room.
Ridge was looking at him in the soft light coming through the curtains, and Kael’s heart was beating very fast.
“Are you sure?” Ridge asked. His tone was careful, but the way he moved told Kael that he was sure.
“I’ve been sure for longer than I wanted to admit,” Kael confessed. He just hadn’t allowed himself to admit it.
That seemed to be enough.
It was nothing like Kael had imagined, which he was willing to admit that he had done.
He’d expected it to feel significant but also terrifying, and it was.
But Ridge was very good at keeping Kael present, and his weight made it difficult to think about anything beyond what was happening between them.
Ridge was careful with him, but it wasn’t the carefulness of someone moving around something fragile. It was the carefulness of someone paying attention, and that was different.
That was better. Kael found himself saying things out loud that he hadn’t meant to, making small sounds and words he would’ve been embarrassed about if Ridge hadn’t responded as if they were exactly what he wanted to hear.
Kael came with Ridge’s name on his lips, and he let himself fall, knowing that Ridge would catch him.
Afterward, Kael lay with his cheek pressed to Ridge’s shoulder, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing slow back to normal.
His was doing the same. The room was quiet, but he could hear something that might have been an owl outside.
He felt good, better than good, actually, like something that he’d been resisting for months had finally been given to him, and it was a relief.
He finally knew. He didn’t have to wonder anymore.
Ridge’s thumb moved slowly against Kael’s arm, almost like he was making sure Kael was still there. Kael couldn’t blame him since he’d been running from him for a while.
“Hey,” Ridge said.
“Hey,” Kael said back. He wasn’t sure what else to say. Apologize? Mention he’d really liked this and couldn’t wait to do it again?
He could feel Ridge thinking, and from the slight tension in Ridge’s body, he didn’t think he was going to like whatever would come out of his mouth.
“Would you want to bond?”
Kael stayed very still.
He knew what bonding was. Nymon had talked about it, even though he hadn’t needed to because everyone knew what bonding was, at least in theory.
He’d gone into more details, though, with a lot of eye contact and check-ins to make sure Kael was still following.
He’d known, even when Kael hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.
A mating bond. That was what Ridge was offering.
It would be the real thing, not just what they already had.
It would be permanent in a way that went beyond the body because their souls would be linked forever.
In a way, they already were, but Kael could still walk away from what they had. He wouldn’t be able to if he said yes.
He wanted it. He really did, somewhere underneath everything else. He wanted to belong to Ridge and have Ridge belong to him in that way. He could feel the pull of the bond between them, a bone-deep rightness.
But he was lying in a borrowed bed in a demon town he’d never heard of a week ago, and he’d only really known Ridge for a handful of days, and an hour ago, he’d been slightly tipsy from alcohol and a long evening of talking to strangers.
He wasn’t ready. The wanting and the readiness were two entirely different things, and right now, only one of them was present.
Well, along with fear. He was also terrified.
“Not yet,” he said.
The words came out soft. He still felt Ridge go rigid under him, and his chest tightened.
“Okay,” Ridge said.
That was it. Just okay, in a voice that was very even and controlled, and Kael hated it.
He hated that he’d done that. He propped himself up enough to look at Ridge’s face, and Ridge was looking at the ceiling with an expression that was carefully neutral, and that was worse than if he’d looked upset.
“Ridge.”
“It’s fine, Kael.”
“I know it’s fine, I just—” He stopped. He didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
I want to, just not right now felt like it wasn’t enough.
Please don’t be hurt felt ridiculous because he could see the hurt right there in the set of Ridge’s jaw, no matter how hard Ridge was trying to keep it off his face.
“I mean it. Not yet isn’t the same as no. ”
Ridge looked at him. Something moved across his expression, too quick for Kael to identify. “I know.”
“Really?”
There was some hesitation before Ridge answered. “Yes.”
Kael wasn’t sure he believed him, but he didn’t know what else to say, and Ridge wasn’t going to give him anything more to work with. He lay back down slowly, settling against Ridge’s side, and after a moment Ridge’s arm came back around him, which felt like something.
He stared at the ceiling. The owl was still out there somewhere, calling out into the dark.
Kael wanted to explain himself better and to find the words that would make Ridge understand that this wasn’t a rejection, that he was certain of Ridge in a way he’d never been certain of anything, that the only reason he’d said not yet was because he wanted the yes to mean something and to come from a solid place and not from two glasses of whatever he’d drank.
He wanted to say yes while not being afraid all the time.
But Ridge’s breathing had gone slow and even in a way that suggested he was either asleep or intended to pretend, and Kael didn’t have the words anyway. How could he explain everything he felt in words?
He closed his eyes. He’d try tomorrow.
Maybe.
* * * *
MORNING-AFTERS WERE often awkward, at least in Ridge’s experience, and this one was especially so.
As soon as they opened their eyes, Kael started avoiding Ridge.
He rushed into the bathroom before Ridge could even say good morning, slamming the door shut and staying there for so long that Ridge was half worried he’d drowned in the shower.
Of course, he hadn’t. He’d just been hiding, and while he couldn’t continue doing so since they were now at the kitchen table with Poppy, he was pretty obvious in the way he was avoiding looking in Ridge’s direction. Even Poppy picked up on it, but thankfully, she hadn’t asked.
Yet.
Ridge wondered if she would. She seemed genuinely worried, but there was nothing she could do to help. Besides, Kael had been clear that he didn’t want her to find out that he and Ridge hadn’t been together when they first arrived.
Though honestly, Ridge had no idea if they were together now. They’d had sex last night, and Ridge had been caught up in the moment when he’d asked Kael if he wanted to bond. He should’ve known better.
He had known better. He’d known that Kael’s answer would be no.
Things were too new between them, so it made sense.
That didn’t mean that hearing the word hadn’t hurt, and Ridge wished he’d done a better job of hiding that.
He never wanted Kael to feel like he needed to do something he wasn’t ready for, especially when it came to their bonding.
He’d been caught up in the moment, and he wanted to tell Kael that, but Kael wasn’t even looking at him.
“We had a lot of fun here,” Kael was telling Poppy, whose gaze jumped from him to Ridge.
“I had a lot of fun getting to know you, too. You two make a very sweet couple. I can only hope to find what you have together,” she said.
Kael grimaced. Thankfully, it didn’t last long, and Poppy didn’t notice, but Ridge did.
What was going through Kael’s mind? What did he want?
At the meeting a few days ago, he’d said that he knew Ridge would give him anything he wanted, and he hadn’t been wrong.
Ridge would try to fix this if he knew what to fix, but until his mate talked to him, it would be nearly impossible.
He couldn’t read Kael’s mind, no matter how much he wanted to.
Kael was going to have to use his words, but it didn’t look like he would.
They had time. Once they left town, they’d have to drive for a while.
They would be stuck in the car together, with nowhere to go.
Ridge didn’t like the thought of taking advantage of that, but he didn’t want this awkwardness to continue.
That wasn’t how things should be between mates.
Relationships could be complicated, of course, but he’d thought they were making progress.
He’d hoped that him telling Kael he was his mate would help them finally take some steps forward, and it had.
It just hadn’t been enough. Kael was back to avoiding Ridge, and Ridge couldn’t have that.
Ridge was thankful that he didn’t have to keep obsessing over it forever.
Once they were done with breakfast, they went back to the bedroom to grab their bags.
They didn’t have a lot, but Ridge still double-checked every corner of the bedroom and the bathroom.
He even checked the living room since they’d spent a few evenings there, talking to Poppy and relaxing.
There was nothing left behind. There were no signs of their presence here, which was as it should be.
Poppy walked them to the car. She didn’t have to take them all the way to the shield, but she seemed reluctant to let them go.
Ridge understood why. They’d offered her a glimpse of the freedom she’d never had and that she desperately wanted, and he hoped she could find it.
She deserved to live her life the way she wished, not the way centuries of demon traditions and rules dictated.
“Are you going straight home?” she asked.