18. Henley
Henley
Emerson Lane may have walked out on me again, but he’s dealing with a new version of me this time around. Something is kindling between us again and I’m not going to let him douse it before it has a chance to spark to life.
Not this time.
There is more than fear blocking his path.
Grief is still consuming him, and after snooping a bit more on the internet, I discovered a little racing incident that made headlines.
Wasn’t too hard to conclude that is the reason he’s landed back in town.
Now that I’m living right next door, I’m going to get to the bottom of it. It’s about time we both stop running.
When I returned to the table after Em and I danced, the girls didn’t have to ask what happened.
I’m sure it was painted clearly all over my face.
Instead, they tugged me back out onto the dance floor for another couple of songs and a couple more shots before Ryleigh forced us out the door and into his truck.
We dropped off Mel first, then Harper. I had to hold in my smile as I watched my brother track her movements all the way into the shop and wait until the light turned on upstairs before he drove away. Apparently Harper’s attraction isn’t as one-sided as she might think.
Ryleigh’s white Ford bounces over the deep potholes of the country road as we head onto the Lane’s property. Resting my head against the open window frame, the brisk night air soothes my soul.
I take a big inhale of the crisp night air into my lungs, letting it wash over my roasting body. No amount of tequila or whiskey can erase the memory of Em’s hands on my skin.
He’s the only one who’s ever been able to make me feel this way. The only one that makes me burn like a thousand suns. Whose longing gaze can take my breath away.
Carson never did that. If I’m truly honest with myself, I never felt desired by him.
Once I was all dolled up and looked good on his arm, he didn’t feel the need to put in more effort.
Lately, I’ve found myself wondering how I ever was attracted to him in the first place.
Why I stayed for so long in a relationship that was only one-sided.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt coveted, wanted, yearned for.
Seven years, in fact.
Em’s the only one who’s ever held that power.
As we pull in front of my cabin, Ryleigh turns off the engine. I can feel the weight of his stare without even looking. He clears his throat, and I close my eyes shut. Preparing myself for his disappointment, and surely the lecture that will follow.
“Be careful, sis,” he says quietly. “He’s going through a lot, and the last thing I want is for you to hurt again.”
My eyes widen in surprise, and he shakes his head. A grin ticks up his lips.
“You think I didn’t know what was going on all those years ago?
Or what went on in that kitchen during your going-away party?
” He gives me a knowing look, then chuckles.
“I watched you waltz your way in there and two minutes later he stormed in like a man on a mission. It wasn’t too hard to piece together that mission was you. ”
“How did you figure it out?” I ask.
My brother sighs. “Hen, I’ve known since forever that you were head over heels for him.
For Em, I think it took him a little longer to see you as anything other than my little sister.
I didn’t really start picking up on anything until after you graduated high school.
Stolen glances here and there, or the not so subtle way Em used to ask me about you all the time when we would talk on the phone.
That night of your college going-away party, it became blatantly obvious.
You were staring at him like you might just jump right over that fire and devour him right there in front of everyone.
” He scrunches his nose, adding a little fake gag for emphasis.
A laugh slips through my lips, a little bit of the nerves lifting along with it.
“But Emerson couldn’t keep his eyes off you all night either. In fact, I caught his gaze slip towards you every chance he could.”
“You did?”
Ryleigh nods.
“Why did you come looking for him the night of my going away party then?”
“That night he—” Ryleigh pauses, tossing his cowboy hat in the back seat and running his fingers through his thick hair.
“He was having a rough night before he came over. By the way he stormed into the kitchen afterwards, I assumed he finally got the courage to tell you how he felt, but was also worried he wasn’t in the right headspace for it.
” His brown eyes meet mine. “I was afraid he was going to break your heart. And it seems like I was right by the way he sped out of our driveway.”
“And you’re worried he’s going to do that again?”
“He’s my best friend, but you’re my sister. You will always come first.”
Nerves prickled underneath my skin. “Would you be okay if . . . something happened between us?”
“As long as he treats you like the queen you are, I think I could handle it. You both are the most important people in my life, after Lyla, of course.” He smiles brightly.
“Love you, Ry,” I whisper. “It feels like life has opened a door for us again. I won’t deny that I’m a little nervous, but I want to see what’s on the other side more than anything. This time I’ll try to tread more carefully with my heart.”
“I just want you to be careful, sis. It hurt me to see you in pain that night after he stormed off, and you know I have despised the way that Carson has treated you over the years.”
The mention of Carson makes me cringe.
“I know that asshole has done more damage than the little bits you’ve shared with me. I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who will make you smile every day.” He sighs deeply, massaging his fingers against his forehead.
“That’s the thing, Ry. I still believe Emerson could be the one who does that. I know he’s made mistakes, but my heart keeps telling me that I shouldn’t give up on him yet. It just feels like I owe myself a chance to see this through.”
A weary smile peeks through his dark beard.
“You’ve always had a way with him, Hen. That man has always been locked up tighter than a safe with his feelings, yet you could always get him to talk in ways none of us could.
It’s kind of your superpower. And since we are all being honest here, I think Em has always had that same kind of power over you too. ”
A knowing look flashes across my brother’s face, and I’m transported straight to the past.
“Hey, you’re in my spot,” I had sniffled, dragging my feet through sand down to the old tree swing that was already occupied by Emerson.
After finding out that I had failed my chemistry midterm, I just needed a moment alone to sit and fall apart.
I had studied so damn hard for that test. Even enlisted Ryleigh and Emerson’s help to run flash cards with me.
Still, I failed. Like I always did. Sometimes, I truly felt like something was broken within me.
Emerson’s head was propped between his hands as he gently swayed the swing with his feet. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even budge when I cleared my throat to get his attention.
Something wasn’t right. I’d known him long enough to be able to read the signs.
When Em got too deep in his head, he became vacant. Staring into space, only picking up on half of the conversations, hiding in his room, or coming to the swing.
This was always my place of sanctuary.
And now it’s also become his.
One night, he found me down here while I was having a panic attack and patiently helped me all the way through it. It was the first time I’d ever let anyone else in, besides my family. Ever since then, I started to find him out here more often.
“Are you alright?”
The silence made my hackles rise. Stepping around the swing, I stopped in front of him and peeled his hands away from his face. His head still hung low, not meeting my gaze.
“Leave me alone, Hen,” his voice rasped.
“Afraid I can’t do that. Friends don’t let friends wallow in sadness alone.” I repeated the very same line he’d used on me when he found me out here the first time. That earned me a hint of a smile. “Come on, spill the beans.”
He grumbled something under his breath then sighed heavily, causing mirth to fill my body. Slowly chipping away at the sadness I carried out here.
When his head slowly raised and I saw his glossy red eyes, the mirth and everything else in my mind immediately fell away. This was the first time I’d ever seen Emerson cry. All my focus shifted to finding a way to help him.
“Talk to me . . . please,” I whispered.
“I got an offer for my dream job.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked hesitantly.
“I don’t know,” he grumbled as his brows pinched together.
“What do you mean?”
“It means I have to move to Texas,” he whispered. His eyes glanced back toward his property, then down to the dirt below his feet.
No wonder he’d fallen so deep into his spiral. He was worried about leaving his Mama. A year ago, she’d been declared in remission for the second time. This time was a lot harder than the first, and the Lane family was still healing from the experience.
Breast cancer not only attacked her body but dug its claws into her spirit.
I used to be able to help pull her out of her low points, but some days even I couldn’t even make it through to her.
The night before her double mastectomy, Mom and I had laid with her, holding her close as she cried herself to sleep.
Tears mixed with sadness and fury. Each one for the loss of a part of her identity and frustration over the control cancer had over her body.
It took a toll on both Lane men as well. They were so similar, always trying their best to shoulder the pain and put on a good front for Autumn, but I could see the pain etched on their faces when they thought no one was looking. Like right now.
Emerson had always been closed off, sometimes not even sharing his feelings with Ryleigh.
Yet for some reason, he started to let me in little bits at a time.
I’d even found myself doing the same. Talking to my therapist and family had been incredibly helpful, but talking with Em seemed to help in ways I didn’t understand.
It was almost like we were attuned to each other’s pain.
‘Like’ calling to ‘like.’ I felt like my soul accepted his words and advice as truth because it knew his soul was struggling just the same.
“Moving up to drive for IMSA is what I’ve been working toward since I started driving karts, but now that it’s here . . . all I feel is—”
“Guilt?”
His cloudy blue eyes bore into mine as he nodded.
“Em, you know we’ll all look out for her while you’re away. And you will always be able to come home on breaks.” I placed my hand on the top of his shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze.
Standing up swiftly, he slid around me and paced back and forth. “I know. I just—I feel like I should be here for her. What if while I’m gone it . . . what if it . . .” His words trailed off as he squatted down on the ground, fingers gripping the ends of his hair tightly.
Carefully, I walked toward him and lowered myself down beside him.
“Em, you have to go for this. Racing is your dream, and you excel at it. Mama Lane wouldn’t want you to give up on your dream and neither would your Dad.
You know our family will look after them both.
I’ll keep on going to visit your Mama like I always have. They won’t be alone, Em.”
His gaze held mine as I extended my hand. He placed his palm in mine and I shook it, sealing the silent deal we just made. Then I pulled us both up to our feet.
“You really think this is the right move?” he asked.
“I do.”
Emerson sighed deeply, and I watched as his shoulders relaxed. The tension melting away a little at a time.
“It’s also okay to let yourself be excited about this. You don’t need to feel guilty for chasing after a goal that you have been working toward.”
“That’s a big ask, but I’ll try and work on it.” He chuckled.
“So, need help packing your bags?” I smirked, watching with delight as his lips twitched with amusement.
“Yeah, I’ll take you up on that offer. They want me out there by the beginning of next week. Bring Ryleigh too, and maybe some of those chocolate chip cookies you and Mama made the other night?”
“What? We made like two dozen! They’re already gone?” I laughed.
“Uh, they’re tasty as hell, Hen. You should take it as a compliment.” He smiled, then walked back toward the wooden swing and patted the seat. “Come on, your turn. Spill the beans.”
Shaking my head, I took a seat and let him push me while I shared the events of my day.
“Earth to Hen.”
Ryleigh laughs, pulling me back to our present conversation.
“Sorry, got lost in thought there for a second.”
“I can see that.”
Leaning over the center console, I pull my brother into a hug. We may have fought like crazy growing up, but he’s always been the first one to protect me. Always lending a shoulder when I need to cry. “I promise to be careful.”
“I’ll hold you to that. I’d rather not have to beat up my best friend, but if he breaks your heart, expect it.”
I roll my eyes, which makes him chuckle softly. “Thank you for the ride.” I slide out of the car and slam the heavy door behind me, then lean my arm against the open window. “Tell Lyla Auntie Hen-Hen loves her.”
“You can tell her yourself when you come over and bake cookies with her this week. She’s been looking forward to it.”
“Deal.”
The truck rumbles alive, and I wave after him as heads back down the road.