Chapter 4
Jake
I grab the microphone and strut along the stage, a tiny dong flapping over my bare chest while I belt out an off-key version of Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road to my small audience. Danielle screams and claps from her table in the front row while Alice shifts her chair to give me her back. Thanks to her, I’m giving this epic performance while wearing blue shorts, a vest, and a visor with “I deliver this package” printed in bold letters across the front.
Danielle has a soft spot for karaoke night. She wanted to have her bachelorette party at Brew-Ha-Ha, North Bay’s only coffee shop/comedy club/karaoke lounge. Normally, this place closes at ten, but they offered to keep the doors open late for us. Mercifully, those of us in Danielle’s bridal party and her family are the only people here. I’m taking my turn on stage while she, Alice, Ms. Honey, and Danielle’s mom, Ms. Heather, watch from below. Regina was here for a while, but she had to leave early to relieve the babysitter. Edna Plum from The Blue Crab restaurant across the street also stopped by, but she needed to get back to close the kitchen.
When Alice showed up tonight, she told me I had a choice. I could don this “sexy mailman” costume for the entirety of this party, or she would think of a bigger prank to pull on the wedding day. Obviously, I had to take the dare. If Alice got even a whiff of hesitation on my part, she’d think she won this round, and I simply can’t allow that. So, I gave her my brightest smile and said, “Challenge accepted.” Then I pulled her plastic penis-shaped necklace right over her head and put it around my neck.
Along with their necklaces, all the women in our group are wearing tiaras that flash the word “party” in bright pink lights, and they’ve distributed some to the staff as well. At least my mailman visor spares me from having to wear one of those, and Mike and his baseball buddies aren’t here to witness this. Although with all the selfies the ladies are taking, I’m sure there will be plenty of photographic evidence online before I even get off the stage.
As I wrap up what I hope is my final song of the night, Honey suggests cutting into the homemade cake she brought. It’s decorated with paper printouts of eggplants and peaches taped to toothpicks.
“I decided to keep it classy,” she tells her granddaughter.
“And we all thank you for that.” Ms. Heather laughs.
After Danielle gets her slice, I pull her aside and hand her the small blue gift bag I brought with me. “Hey, Dan-Dan. I have something for you. Sorry it’s late. I was hoping to finish this before the bridal shower last weekend, but obviously that didn’t happen.”
“Is this what I think it is?”
I nod as Danielle opens the card I taped to the outside of the bag. There’s a huge smile on her face as she holds the rectangular paper close to her chest.
“I’m keeping this forever. Thanks, Jake. This is why you’re my favorite male man,” she says.
I roll my eyes, but I knew she’d like it. Not every bride would be excited to receive a gag gift in the form of a fake check for one thousand dollars, made out to Captain Fartpants, but Danielle is. It’s an inside joke, thanks to a dare she issued that got me in trouble when we were young.
“‘You’re welcome,” I tell her. Then I raise my voice. “And ‘honor attendant’ is the correct term for when your maid of honor is a man, in case anyone was wondering,” I announce to the room for probably the fiftieth time.
“We weren’t,” Alice deadpans.
Unfortunately, no one in Danielle’s wedding party is receptive to the “Call Jake an Honor Attendant” memo, and now Danielle’s family and all our mutual childhood friends are calling me by the very redundant phrase “Male Man of Honor,” or “male man” for short.
I ignore Alice and point to the gift bag in Danielle’s hand. “Don’t worry, there’s a real gift, too.”
She claps giddily before digging through the tissue paper until she finds the frame.
“Jake!” Danielle gasps. “It’s perfect.”
“I’m glad you like it.” I shrug like it was nothing, but the hand-drawn sketch of the pier painted over with watercolors took me longer than I would like to admit.
“I love it,” she whispers.
It takes everything in me to hold back the words I love you. We’ve always said that to each other and, while it’s completely platonic now and I’m mostly over the rejection I got from her last year, it’s still true. But I don’t want to make it weird.
“Mike will love it, too. Thank you, Jake. You really are the best male man I could ever ask for.” She winks.
I tip my visor at her. “I do what I can.”
My best friend is a woman, and Danielle’s getting married to a professional baseball player. My job is to be supportive, even though their relationship started the day she walked out of the one and only date she ever had with me so she could go home with him. I no longer have any romantic feelings for her, but the bruise to my ego is taking a while to heal.
We worked it out. Mike is actually a great guy. Even I can see he was the better choice for her, but that doesn’t make this wedding business any less complicated. I’m one of the two friends she chose to stand by her side at the altar. Or, in this case, the pier in my parents’ backyard. I’d do anything for Danielle, including make an ass out of myself at this party, but her wedding is changing everything between us, and it doesn’t matter how cool of a guy Mike is, losing a lot of the threads that have tied me to my best friend since before we could walk is unnerving. Too bad the only other person who can understand is the reason I’m wearing this ridiculous get-up.
“That’s one beautiful drawing.” Ms. Honey smacks the middle of my back and raises a margarita glass to toast me. Then we all take our seats for another round.
They don’t serve alcohol at Brew-Ha-Ha, but on special occasions they let us BYOB, so there are two sports drink coolers taking up the table next to ours. One is filled with sangria and the other holds margaritas, the drinks Ms. Honey is famous for bringing to any and all celebratory events. I brought a six-pack, but I stopped after my second beer.
“Jake, are you sleeping over at our place tonight, too?” Danielle asks me from across the table where she and Alice are planning which movie they’ll watch when they get back to Honey’s.
“Don’t back out on account of me.” Alice’s eyes narrow, and she stares me down as she talks over the rim of her mug. She has switched to coffee, presumably so she can be the one to take care of Danielle and Ms. Honey tonight if they get a little too wild.
Alice really doesn’t like me. I don’t know what I did to make her hate me so much in the first place. But our unspoken feud has gotten worse this year, since my parents kicked her out. Lousy, Dan-Dan and I were like the Three Musketeers growing up, but these days she truly seems to have it out for me.
“Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart. You don’t tend to register in my thoughts.” I scoot my chair a few inches further away from her.
Okay, so sometimes I egg her on a bit.
I pull out my phone to check the time, and there’s an alert from my weather app. The forecast calls for a tropical storm to come up the coast later this week. It’s hitting the Atlantic side of Florida now. It will be a few days before it gets up to us in Virginia. The news is reporting it should blow through and be out of here in time for the wedding, but I know Danielle is stressing about the weather, too.
There’s a lot of girl talk happening around me. I’m trying not to hear too much of their conversation and pretend to give my phone my full attention, but pieces of the chatter are floating through against my will. It’s hard not to listen, even as I actively try not to.
“What do you mean you aren’t wearing underwear?” Danielle asks.
I keep my head down, but I sneak a quick glance at them. Danielle stares at Alice, her eyes huge under her flashing tiara. It’s like they are trying to torture me.
“Who wears underwear with leggings?” Alice scoffs.
I didn’t hear how they got on the topic of how to avoid visible panty lines, but this is knowledge I did not ask for, and I swear my brain is short-circuiting as it registers there is only one thin layer of fabric covering Lousy’s lap. I look up. I can’t even pretend I’m not watching them anymore.
There’s an extended pause before Danielle says, “Um, everyone. Or so I thought.”
Alice shakes her head and Danielle’s mouth hangs open for a second before she asks, “Are you telling me this is a common thing? What about… discharge ? And what happens if you get your period? What if you sneeze and pee a little?”
This is getting to be way too much for me. I want to go home.
“Babe, it sounds like someone might need to do some pelvic floor exercises. Besides, they have that little bit of extra padding in the crotch for a reason. But maybe bring the noise level down a smidge.” Alice’s gaze slides over to me, but I look back at my phone.
“That extra fabric is called the gusset. We all gotta let the old girl air out sometimes, Sugar,” Honey interjects, fanning her own lap. Alice chokes on her coffee and sputters it down the front of her shirt, which gives me a perfect opportunity.
“I think that’s my cue to call it a night.” I stand and give them a wave before I turn to head out.
“Oh, Jake. Don’t leave because of us. Sorry. We’ll stop being inappropriate,” Danielle says.
“Speak for yourself,” Honey tells her.
Danielle stands to give me a quick hug because I really am leaving, then she turns her attention back to Honey. “Please never say the word gusset ever again.” She puts her hands over her ears and pretends to gag. She does that a lot around Honey. “I’m never going to be able to erase that from my brain, and you’re scaring my friends away.”
“That’s not why I’m leaving,” I say, even though it sort of is.
“No one cares,” Alice tells me as she pulls Danielle’s hands back down. “But before we break up the band tonight, what’s the plan for this week?”
Danielle pivots right into assertive bride mode. “We’re coming down the home stretch on the wedding tasks. Only a week away now. Eek! Can you believe it?” She hops on her toes. “There are only a few more last-minute errands to run. Can we all meet up on Tuesday morning since Alice doesn’t have class? I’m hoping to get as much done as we can at the beginning of the week before the weather changes.”
“Sure thing,” Alice says. “I should be able to handle that after I get my dad situated.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there, too,” I promise before I’m finally allowed to leave. I have to be up early so I can do the pre-wedding thing again with the guys in the morning. I can’t wait until this week is over.