Chapter 25
Jake
"W ant to play Madden?” Jordan asks as he picks up the video game case.
“Sure.”
“Huh. It got mixed up with Grand Theft Auto somehow.” He pulls the wrong game out of the case and finds the GTA cover so he can switch them back. Except when he opens that one, he finds the Mario Party cartridge. Jordan tilts his head at me. “Is this like your one roommate flaw? Did we finally find it? You share your food and keep your room clean, but you don’t know how to put your games back in the right cases?”
I groan. “Dammit. This has Alice written all over it.”
He laughs. “You think she did this when she was here the other night? Why would she bother?”
“We’ve got this prank war going where we do little things to get under each other’s skin. Nothing serious, just harmless but annoying stuff. Like this. I thought we’d called an unspoken truce, but apparently not.”
Jordan nods. “I see. First-grade playground rules still apply.”
I narrow my eyes and shake my head.
He laughs again. “What are you going to do next, pull her pigtails to show her you like her? Maybe put a frog in her shirt?”
“It’s not like that. She’s the Cyclops to my Wolverine.” I don’t believe a single word I’m saying, and he knows it.
“Right. Sure. Of the two of you, you’re definitely the one with the claws,” he says with a patronizing nod.
“Shut up and put the game in, would you?” I hand him the Madden cartridge after I finally find it in the Halo case, then I busy myself returning the rest of the games to their rightful homes.
He switches the inputs on the TV and begins to set everything up. “Do you want to know what I think?” he asks, clicking through the initial screens.
“Not really, but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me anyway.”
“I think you’re full of it, and you like her. A lot.”
I grunt and make a face, but I don’t try to deny it this time.
Hearing Jordan call me out is concerning because it means I’m not hiding those thoughts from our friends as well as I should be. Jordan’s not wrong. I do like her. But how I feel doesn’t really matter if she’s not into it.
“Whatever, man. It’s not happening. We’d kill each other.” I shrug.
I thought maybe Alice was catching feelings for me too, but when I tried to kiss her the other night, her body went rigid and she wouldn’t talk. It was like she completely froze. Maybe our kiss at the wedding was just a fluke. Maybe she’s upset about her dad. Or maybe she’s just as confused as I am. But what I know for sure is that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. She said so like a hundred times. I can’t go falling for Alice Caulfield.
“Earth to Roomie.” Jordan waves his controller from the couch. “We doin’ this or what?”
I nod and park myself next to him.
I manage to get in two good rounds before Jordan completely hands me my ass. Then I need to head out. The appointments I scheduled are today.
When I roll up to the house, Mr. Caulfield is already waiting on the porch. I still can’t believe he actually took me up on the offer to drive him.
“Hi, Mr. Caulfield. How are you doing today?”
The grunt he gives me as he climbs into my passenger seat tells me this is likely to be a long ride with a lot of one-sided conversation.
“I’m glad you called,” I try again. “I decided to schedule a session for myself, too. Couldn’t hurt, right?”
The hour-long drive is tense and filled with nothing but more grunts and shrugs from my reluctant passenger as I try to engage with him until we finally arrive at the office building. After we check in, a guy who doesn’t look much older than me comes up and introduces himself to Earl. They shake hands and disappear down the hall. I spend a few more minutes flipping through magazines in the waiting room until they call me back. I’m nervous, but sort of relieved that chauffeuring Alice’s dad gives me an excuse to be here.
Eventually, a woman my mom’s age greets me, her dark hair pulled back in a clip that reminds me of a claw machine.
“Hello, Jacob. I’m Monica. Nice to meet you.”
“Hi. You can call me Jake.”
“This way, please.” She leads me into her office and gestures toward the couch.
“Should I lie down or something?”
She sets herself in the plaid armchair a few feet away. “You can, if you’d like. Or you can also just take a seat. Whatever makes you the most comfortable.” Monica’s voice is soft.
“Sorry. I don’t really know how this is supposed to work.” I sit and fold my hands on my lap, then unfold them immediately because I’m worried it makes my body language seem closed-off, and maybe she’s judging me for that. My knees bounce and suddenly my mouth is dry.
“There’s no agenda. This is your time. Today is only about getting to know you and what you’d like to get out of our next few sessions together. I have all of the forms you submitted in your intake, but I’d like to hear from you why you’re here.”
If I knew what my goals were, I wouldn’t need to be here. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“That’s perfectly fine. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself to start?”
“Okay. I’m Jake. I live in North Bay. I was going to school for graphic design, but I dropped out last year. I only had one year left of college, but I just couldn’t force myself through it. After that, I’ve been having some problems with my parents, friends, and my job…or lack thereof. Oh, and I have a dog. Her name’s Hazel, and she’s getting really old. I’m a little worried about losing her soon.” I pause, and Monica looks at me like she’s waiting for me to go on. “I was at a bachelor party recently, and therapy came up. Then my friend’s dad needed a ride to an appointment here, and it sort of felt like a sign that I should try this.”
“Had you ever thought about therapy before that?”
“Yeah, but it’s not really encouraged in my house. My parents think it’s a waste of time and money. They think it’s pointless and lazy to pay someone to sit and listen to you complain. No offense.”
Monica smiles politely, but I hope I haven’t hurt her feelings.
“They have a lot of strong opinions I don’t agree with. I feel like I’m rambling. Was that an okay answer? I’m not sure I’m doing this right.”
“There are no right or wrong answers right now. Is that something you think about often? Whether you are doing things correctly?”
“Well, yeah. Doesn’t everyone?”
“Some more so than others. Is there something in particular you’re worried about today, or something you were hoping to talk about?”
“I don’t know. I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of stuff on my mind but…” I shrug and fix my eyes on a landscape print on the opposite wall. It’s all so embarrassing to say out loud, especially when I know there are much bigger problems in the world. Am I really about to sit here and tell this woman I’m a poor little rich boy who got the sads because my mommy and daddy didn’t pat me on the head enough times while I tried to show off for them? There are people starving, for chrissake. Earl is right down the hall working through the scars from a literal war. “I feel like such a jackass right now.” I tug on the back of my neck. But if I’m going to do this for real, I have to be honest. So, I take a breath and force myself to look at her. “There’s a lot of disapproval in my house, I guess.”
“Disapproval? Can you tell me more about that?”
“Uh. I think, well, I know my parents had a different path in mind for me, and the way I’m living my life right now doesn’t meet their expectations.”
“I see. You seem upset by that. Do you find it feels heavy to carry the weight of other people’s concerns?”
I blink at her. I never thought about it like that, but yeah, it’s heavy.
“Everybody thinks I’m supposed to be perfect all the time. It’s always been that way. Once I got a ninety-three on a fourth-grade math test, and I still remember my dad’s face when he asked me what happened. He made me redo every single one of the problems, even the ones I got right, then he drove me to school early the next day so I could hand them to my teacher and apologize for not studying harder or paying enough attention in her class. So, yeah. It can be intense.”
“That sounds like a lot of pressure. You say you don’t want to follow your parents’ plan for your life. Do you have a different path in mind for yourself?”
“I don’t really know.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” She leans back and smiles. “Most people are just winging it. It’s okay if the answer is no and you don’t have a plan.”
“My dad’s response to that would be that I’m supposed to be better than most people.”
“Hmm. Is that also how you feel?”
“It’s definitely not how I want to feel, but I don’t know how to get that nagging voice out of my head. I guess that’s why I’m here.” If I didn’t feel the need to meet those high expectations every time, life would be a lot less stressful.
A soft beep comes from her watch to let us know time is up for today.
“Well, that’s our time. This was a good first session, Jake. Would you like to schedule again in two weeks?”
“Sure, thanks.”
When I walk back to the lobby, Mr. Caulfield is standing by the water cooler. He tips his paper cup at me and knocks it back like he’s taking a shot of something stronger.
“You really think rehashing all that old shit is gonna mean something to Alice?” he asks, eyes scanning me from head to toe.
I nod at him. “I do.”
He nods back at me, just once, firmly. “Guess we better book the next one then.” He shuffles over to the desk to grumble at the receptionist.
Therapy isn’t what I expected it to be. Not that I thought I would spend one hour on a couch and suddenly be a different person. It’s just that Monica and I didn’t really accomplish anything today. Or maybe we did, but I can’t identify what it is. I still don’t know if I’m doing it right. But maybe the point is learning to be okay with that.