Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
MATTHEW
My fingers clench into a fist as I shove the door open. The loud bang reverberates in the air, but I ignore it as I walk out of the office. My ears are ringing, and my breathing is ragged as my feet eat the distance.
I need to get away.
As far as possible.
As fast as possible.
Before I do or say something that will blow up in my face.
The sound of laughter stops me in my tracks.
Instead of following the sound, I take a turn around the building.
Leaning against the wall, I tilt my head back.
My skull collides with the brick, but I barely feel the pain.
My knees wobble slightly, so I lower myself to the ground.
Uncurling my fingers, I slide my hand into the pocket of my pants and pull out the box.
I grab a cigarette and put it between my lips. It takes me a few tries before I manage to light it. I take in a long pull, my eyes falling shut as the nicotine fills my lungs. Tilting my head back, I slowly let the smoke out, watching the little gray clouds as the coach’s words ring in my head.
Failing.
I’m fucking failing.
Not that I care about the grades one way or the other, but failing means being kicked off the team. And I can’t have that. Not when being on the team is my only lifeline. The only thing that holds me together.
“Fucking hell!” I yell, my fisted palm connecting with the ground.
The panic I’ve been fighting since I heard the words returns in full force. It’s like a tsunami rising inside me. I try to suck in a breath, but it’s like my chest is filling with water, making it impossible to breathe.
My nails dig into my palm to the point of pain. I bring my shaky fingers to my mouth, taking another pull from the cigarette.
They usually help calm me down, but now even that doesn’t work. I’m drowning, and there’s no way out.
I run my hand through my hair, pulling at the thick strands.
How the hell am I supposed to fix this?
I can’t lose this.
It’s all your fault, the little voice at the back of my head taunts. You fuck everything up.
As if I don’t know that.
“You know cigarettes kill, right?”
My head snaps up, the softly spoken question breaking me from my thoughts, my gaze locking in on the person standing a few feet away.
A girl.
She’s standing under the sun. The bright light illuminating her hair and making it glow like a halo.
An angel.
As if an angel would ever appear for you.
I blink a few times, ignoring the silent taunting.
I might not deserve it, but that doesn’t make her seem any less of an angel. All that golden hair is falling over her shoulders in loose waves down to her waist. Her face is completely free of makeup, and there’s something familiar about her. I just can’t pinpoint how I know her.
She clearly isn’t one of the girls who hang out with the football team.
I’d remember her if she were. But she wouldn’t be hanging with us.
She has good girl written all over her. And good girls don’t belong with a rowdy bunch of football players.
Nobody would pay her any attention. Girls like that are too needy. Too demanding. Too pure. Too real.
I take another pull from the cigarette, blowing the smoke in her direction.
“We all have to die from something.”
Color fills her cheeks. Her arms tighten around her pile of books, pressing them tighter against her chest, her tits swelling over the collar of her shirt.
I expect her to cower and run away, but instead, she lifts her chin a notch, her eyes zeroing in on me.
They’re not dark brown, but they aren’t light either.
Green? Or hazel maybe? I can’t tell, but for some reason, I desperately want to know.
“It’s your deathbed.”
I open my mouth, but before I can say anything, she spins on her heel and walks away.
I suck in a sharp breath as I jerk upright, my fists clenching as my eyes fly open. The memories from the past are still vivid in my mind when I spot a pair of bright blue eyes staring at me.
“What the fuck?”
My already pounding heart kicks up a notch as the boy’s face comes into view and the recognition sets in. Kyle. His short brown hair is slightly mussed, and there’s a contemplative look on his face that seems way too serious to belong to a seven-year-old.
“You shouldn’t be saying bad words.”
Great, and now I’m being chastised by a kid.
“Sorry.” I run my hand over my face, feeling the short bristles scratch at my skin. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” I glance toward the doorway, but the house seems quiet. “What exactly are you doing here?”
“Chase is driving me to school.”
Kyle sits down on the coffee table, a little fluff ball of a dog placing his paws on the boy’s leg, demanding attention. Kyle picks him up and sets him in his lap, his hand running down the dog’s back gently. “Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
I slide my legs over the edge of the couch; the blanket falling onto my lap. Sharp pain pierces the back of my neck, not surprising considering how stiff the cushions are. I press my fingers against the spot, massaging the sore flesh. “Because I don’t have a bed.”
Kyle’s eyes narrow. “Everybody has a bed.”
“Not me.” The staircase creaks softly, so I raise my voice loud enough for Chase to hear. “I have my brother to thank for that.” I peer over Kyle’s head just as Chase appears in the doorway, his brows pulled together in a deep scowl. “He’s the one who threw my bed out.”
Kyle notices something’s going on, so he turns around, his hands moving as he speaks and signs at the same time, “Why did you throw Matthew’s bed out?”
I shoot him a smug grin. “Yes, Chase, why did you throw my bed out?”
If possible, the crease between my brother’s brows grows deeper, and the muscle in his jaw twitches.
“I didn’t throw it out. I’m still in the process of remodeling this place.
It’s not my fault he came before I could finish the guest room.
” His face softens slightly when he turns his full attention to the kid, and even the corner of his mouth lifts a fraction. “What are you doing here?”
Who would have ever thought? My grumpy big brother has a soft spot.
Chase has always been gruff, hard around the edges, but after being injured in a bomb explosion that resulted in his retirement from the army and coming back home, he’s been even worse.
He closed off completely, sticking to our family ranch and barely talking to anybody for almost three years.
Until Rose Hathaway and her son walked into his life, that is.
He’s still a grumpy asshole to the rest of us, but not to those two.
They healed him in a way no one else could.
And Chase, with his various injuries and losing most of his hearing, and Kyle, who was born deaf, have built a special bond between the two of them.
“I just wanted to talk to Matthew. I still don’t think it’s fair that you get a brother and a sister, and I don’t have either.”
A half-laugh, half-snort sound comes out of my mouth at the boy’s comment. I can already see Kyle and I will be very good friends.
My brother, on the other hand, doesn’t find it amusing in the slightest. He levels me with a glare before shifting his attention to Kyle and releasing a huff. “We already talked about this. Where is your bag? If we don’t hurry, we’ll be late for school.”
“It’s in the kitchen. I’ll get it.” Kyle lets out a dramatic sigh and pushes to his feet, the dog padding after him.
“Did he wake you?”
I shake my head as I glance at my brother and wave him off. “It’s all good. Thank you for letting me crash here.”
“It’s your home.”
“No, it’s your home. I’ll get out of your hair soon.”
Chase has done a lot of work on the house, to the point I barely recognized the place when I got here yesterday. Not just that, it’s clear he’s been building a life here. A family of his own. And after everything that’s happened and everything he’s been through, he deserves to find some peace.
“Actually, I talked to Rose yesterday. She and Kyle will move in here with me, and you can take the cottage.”
“I—” My lips part as I take a moment to process his words. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s not a big deal.” Chase shrugs. “Like I said, this is your home. Besides, trust me, you want it. The real estate market here is horrendous. You’d be lucky to find anything. I’ll move their things in the next few days, and you’ll get a bed to sleep in.”
“You won’t hear me complain about that.” I chuckle softly. “Let me know if I can help.”
“I’m ready,” Kyle announces as he joins us once again.
My brother places his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Natural. At ease. Just like a father should be. The thought brings back memories of our father. All the moments we should have had but never did. Because of me.
“You have everything? Your practice gear?”
“It’s all here.” Kyle nods, a trace of uncertainty flashing on his face. “Will you come to watch my football practice?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” Chase reassures him.
A beaming smile appears on Kyle’s face almost immediately. He throws himself at my brother, giving him a tight hug. “Thank you.”
Chase’s face is serious as he just stares ahead for a moment, almost like he’s frozen, before his body relaxes, his arms tightening around Kyle’s small frame.
Our gazes meet over Kyle’s head, and I force down the knot that has formed in my throat. “You’re good with him.”
Chase shakes his head. “He’s good for me.”
Kyle pulls back and turns to me. “You could come and watch me play too.”
There is so much hope on his face that there’s no way I can tell him no.
“You know it, dude, but it’ll have to be another time. It’s my first day at work today, so I don’t think I’ll make it.”
Chase quirks his brow. “When do you need to be there?”
“In…” My voice trails off as I grab my phone, cursing under my breath when I spot the time. “Shit. I’m late.”