Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
MATTHEW
“Why don’t you eat something?” I lift the bowl and take a sniff of the soup the nurses had prepared. “This smells really good.”
Mom shakes her head. “I’m not really hungry.”
“You have to eat something,” I insist gently. “Just a few bites?”
The nurses said she hasn’t been eating much, and I can clearly see they’re right. Her skin is awfully ashy, and her body seems even more frail than the last time I was here.
She shakes her head again firmly, pushing away my hand. “Not now.”
Now this is something I remember well from before I left. The stubbornness that usually accompanied one of her episodes. And when she gets this way, there was no getting through to her.
Still, I open my mouth to try again, but before I can say anything, there’s a soft rap against the door. “Knock, knock.”
Mom looks up, her face softening when she sees Becky enter, her hand holding on to a wobbling Jackson. “We’re here.”
“Look at him! So precious,” Mom coos as Jackson walks toward her bed. Sighing, I place the bowl on the side table for the moment.
“Took us a hot minute, but he’s determined to walk on his own, and I have no heart to rush him.” Becky chuckles as Jackson flashes Mom a wicked grin.
“And we brought company too,” Becky announces just as my brother, Kyle, and Shadow fill the doorway. “We found them outside.”
“Hey, Ma,” Chase says.
Mom smiles a little bit as she looks at us. “All my babies in one place.”
“Who would have thought, right?” Becky chuckles softly as she lifts Jax and places him on the bed. He immediately turns around and starts crawling toward Mom.
Mom hums softly as Jackson sits down on her lap and giggles.
“Oh, I knew y’all would find your way home.
This place… it’s in our blood. That’s why I never could force myself to leave even after your father was gone.
” She gently takes Jax’s hands in hers and lifts them in the air.
“Our memories are here. The good ones and the bad ones. Our family. Our home.”
A knot forms in my throat at her words. The collar of my shirt seems to squeeze tightly around my neck, making it hard to breathe, like it always does when the memories of the past resurface.
“Now, just to get the last of you settled in.” Mom gives me a pointed look.
“Oh, I think he’s pretty settled in.” Becky smirks at me. “He’s been seeing Jessica.”
Shit.
“Jessica?” Mom glances between the two of us. “My Jessica?”
“The one and only.” Becky nods, picking up Jax so he doesn’t try to climb all over our mother, and holds him against her hip. “I actually think it’ll be good for him. Right, Jax? Maybe Uncle Matthew has finally come to his senses.”
“I thought you didn’t like it,” Chase grumbles from his spot where he’s leaning against the door. Kyle’s petting Shadow and watching our exchange with furrowed brows.
“I was surprised!” Becky protests. “But after I thought about it for a moment, I realized they could actually be pretty good for each other.”
Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair. “We’ve only been on a few dates.”
Becky smirks. “Trust me, everybody knows about y’all’s dates.”
“Dad and I are taking my mom on a date too!” Kyle announces proudly, and Becky has to bite back a laugh.
“Matthew!”
I glance at my mom, only she’s not looking at me. No, her attention is on Kyle before she moves it to Chase. “Jackson.”
My heart sinks to my stomach as I watch my mother shift in bed, the sheets rustling as she sits straighter.
“Careful.” Pushing to my feet, I slip my fingers around her forearm, trying to ignore the fact they can wrap around her completely, trying to ignore how light she is as I help her sit up and then put the pillows behind her back so she can lean against them. “Is this okay?”
“Yes, thank you.” Her answer is distracted, all her attention going back to my brother. Mom tucks one gray strand of hair behind her ear as she flashes a smile at Chase. “You came to visit me!”
She always confuses him with our dad. I guess I can see how she would make that connection. With his tall frame, wide shoulders, and green eyes, he looks a lot like him. It’s also in the way he walks and holds himself.
I pull back, my gaze meeting my brother’s.
He shrugs almost imperceptibly. We both know there is nothing we can do about this.
Not when she’s lost in the past. You can try to correct her, but she doesn’t know, can’t remember, and trying to bring back something that her mind doesn’t possess is equally frustrating for her and us.
I remember it from when I was in middle school, before we knew what was really wrong with her.
She’d get lost and forgetful, but when we’d try to correct her, she would get resentful and confrontational.
These days we all know it’s best to just go along with it, so I take a step back, my gaze drifting to Becky to find her nibbling at her lip as she brushes her hand against the top of Jax’s head.
She’s always been the one who carried most of the weight of Mom’s condition on her shoulders, who her changes affected the most.
“And you brought Matthew.” She extends her hand to Kyle, who takes it without batting an eye.
“My baby boy has grown so big,” she whispers, cupping his cheek.
My heart does a weird flip inside my chest at the expression of pure love on her face. At seeing me. A knot forms in my throat, and I struggle to swallow it down.
“He is.” Chase’s voice comes out gruff.
If Kyle finds it weird, he doesn’t say anything. Chase must have warned him this could happen and he should just run with it.
It isn’t strange for Mom to confuse people. Chase always reminded her of our father, and she’s confused Becky for her sister Gigi. But to her, I was always unknown. A stranger. I thought she forgot about me, that I didn’t live in this alternate reality. Until now.
“I’m seven now!” Kyle supplies with a big grin.
“Are you now?” Mom chuckles at him. “How is school? Do you listen to your father?”
“I do. And school is fun. I have my best friend, Levi. He’s the best.”
That knot grows bigger in my throat as I watch Kyle slide into the chair next to her bed, Shadow sitting at his feet as the two of them chat like long-lost friends.
“I missed you,” Mom says, skimming over his cheek before turning a judging gaze to Chase. “Your father should bring you more often.”
“I’ll do that,” Chase agrees easily. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” Mom lies as she lies back against the pillows, the strain on her face evident. “I just want to go home. Please tell me you came to take me home?”
Chase presses his lips into a tight line. “Not yet. I’m sorry.”
“Why not?” There’s an almost whiny note to her voice. “I’m tired of this place.”
“I know.” Chase places his hand over Mom’s. “But we need you to get better.”
Mom presses her lips into a stubborn line. “I’m better! I’m sure Gigi has put you up to this, but—”
“This has nothing to do with Gigi,” Chase insists. He quirks his brow and tips his chin in the direction of the bowl I left on the nightstand. “If you’re doing better, then why didn’t you finish your lunch?”
Mom rolls her eyes. “I’m not hungry.”
Chase sits down on the bed next to her and grabs the bowl of soup. “Try a little bit, please?”
I think she’ll protest again, but she surprises me when she relents. “Fine.”
Chase feeds her a few spoonfuls of soup, but it’s clear that each swallow is a chore for her, and quickly she gives up, her eyelids heavy as she rests against the pillows.
“Why don’t you try sleeping, huh?”
Mom blinks, fighting the pull to rest. “Promise me you’ll bring Matthew again. I miss seeing my babies.”
“I will. Now rest.”
Mom nods, giving in. “I love you.”
Chase squeezes her hand reassuringly. “I love you too.”
It doesn’t take long before she’s out, her chest rising and falling slowly. Kyle signs something to Chase, to which he replies in sign language as well before standing.
I move closer, eyeing the bowl on the tray. “At least you got her to eat something,” I murmur softly before pulling the covers higher over her.
“Not nearly enough,” Chase mutters.
“It’s something. More than I did.”
“That’s not on you, and you know it,” Becky insists. There are tears in her eyes, but she quickly blinks them away. “She thinks he’s Dad, and she’d do anything for him. I saw the main nurse when we got here, and she told me she’s been refusing to eat for days now.”
“Can’t they do anything about it? Give her something?”
I glance between my siblings, who exchange a serious look.
“They think…” Becky starts, but I shake my head. “Our time is running out. Her time…”
“No.”
“Matthew—” Chase tries again, but I stop him.
“Not yet. It’s too soon. She can still get better.”
“She’s not getting any better,” he says gently.
“She would if we helped her! We can’t just give up on her.”
“We’re not giving up on her, but her body…” Becky places her hand on mine. “After talking with the doctors, we agreed to increase her nursing level of care so she’s more comfortable before…”
She lets the words hang in the air as she shakes her head.
She’s not giving up.
Her body is.
Increase her care.
More comfortable…
I run my hand over my face, the vise grip around my throat growing stronger.
“Fuck.”
My fingers sink into my hair, and I tug at the strands, embracing the dull throb of pain.
Out.
I need to get the hell out of here.
Spinning on my heel, I go for the door.
I can hear my siblings calling after me, but I don’t slow down.
I don’t stop.
I can’t.
She’s not getting better.
We’re not giving up on her, but her body…
Our time is running out.
Running out…
Running…
Fingers snap in front of my face, jarring me out of my thoughts. “Earth to Rookie,” Nico singsongs as he observes me. “I got you some food.”
He drops a brown bag in my lap, the smell of burgers hitting me even through the closed paper and making my stomach roll.
“Not hungry,” I mutter, placing the bag on the floor as Nico opens his and pops a few fries into his mouth.
“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been brooding since you got to the station earlier. Don’t tell me you and Jessica already got into a fight. I know you’re all about setting records, but—”
“It’s not Jessica,” I interrupt.
“Then what is it?
“It’s nothing.”
Nico opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, the radio crackles to life.
“All units be advised, there is a collision on the east end of Lake Drive. Potential casualties. Ambulance en route.”
The adrenaline kicks in as the words echo in my head. My fingers curl around the door handle, knuckles turning white.
From the corner of my eye, I see Nico close his box and put it to the side. He pulls on his seat belt, grabbing the radio to let dispatch know we’re responding, before he turns on the siren and floors it out of the parking lot.
Collision.
Potential casualties.
A cold sweat washes over me as I stare at the blurry road passing us by. The seconds seem to drag on like hours.
“Dad, I don’t want to go home.”
“You know the rules, buddy.”
“I don’t care!” I yell in protest. “I want to stay.”
“I understand that, and we can come again, but now we have to go home. Your mom’s waiting for us with dinner.”
“I don’t want dinner! I want to play with my friend. You’re the worst. I’m going to go out—”
“Matthew!” Dad yells. I look up, my eyes meeting his green ones in the rearview mirror. “Don’t—”
Bright light suddenly blinds me. From the corner of my eye, I can see Dad’s surprised gaze shift to the road.
Tires screech loudly against the asphalt before something slams into me, making my body jerk back and knocking all the air out of my lungs.
A loud bang snaps me out of my thoughts, making me realize we’ve arrived, and Nico’s already out of the car.
Cursing under my breath, I unbuckle my seat belt with shaky hands before stumbling out.
A dark-blue pickup truck is turned upside down in the ditch by the side of the road.
The bile rises in my throat, my palms turning sweaty.
Too close.
Too similar.
Too much.
It’s all just too much.
The wail of the sirens echoes in the distance, piercing through the stillness in the air.
Nico crouches down next to the driver’s side door, frantically trying to get to the driver through the smashed window.
He glances over his shoulder. “Williams, get your ass over here.”
My throat burns, my legs feeling like they’re made of stone.
Completely useless.
Just like I was that night.
Useless to do anything to save him.
I blink, fighting through the blurriness of my gaze.
A motion catches my eye.
I squint, looking more closely.
That’s when I see it.
The little hand reaching through the back window.
A kid.
There’s a kid in the back seat.
He’s crying, utterly terrified.
Just like I was that night.
The sound has me lurching into motion.
But instead of running away, like every bone in my body demands, I run toward the crash.