Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
MATTHEW
She’s gone.
Completely.
Irrevocably.
Gone.
The last few days have passed in a blur of arrangements, alcohol, and Jessica.
Anything to keep busy.
Anything to dull that freaking beeping sound that has somehow etched into my mind.
Anything to erase the image of my mother’s still body lying in that bed.
Cold.
Lifeless.
Dead.
That lump in my throat grows bigger as they lower her casket into the ground.
Becky’s crying somewhere to my left. The only thing keeping her upright is Miguel.
Chase’s face is stoic as he walks to her other side, arm in arm with Rose and Kyle.
My father’s name judges me from the tombstone, making the guilt rise inside my chest, swallowing me whole.
My fault.
All of it is my fault.
His death.
Her illness.
My siblings’ pain.
There’s a soft thud as the casket reaches the bottom of the grave.
My stomach turns, bile rising up my throat. I force it down, my jaw clenching tight.
People around us are a blur. So many people. They’ve come to pay their respects. It isn’t surprising; Mom is beyond loved in this town. Was. She was loved in this town.
All the emotions I’ve been ignoring boil hotter inside me the longer we stay here. They’re like a tornado, twirling, growing and growing and growing. And I know once that tornado touches the ground, there will be no going back.
A soft hand grips mine, pulling me from my thoughts.
Jessica.
I look down to find her tear-stained eyes locked on mine as she worries at the inside of her cheek.
She’s been the only thing keeping me sane, keeping me whole the entire time.
Until you destroy her. Because that’s what you do. You’ve destroyed everything that’s good in your life.
Movement over her shoulder draws my attention.
I look up, my gaze narrowing when I spot Jenkins.
He’s standing in the back, away from everybody else, his gaze locked on the grave.
He lifts his hand, running his palm over his face before letting it drop. Our gazes meet.
What the hell is he doing here?
Our last conversation plays in my head, anger growing inside my chest. Good. I’d rather be angry than sad.
A few heartbeats pass as we just stare at one another.
Then, spinning on his heel, he leaves without a backward glance.
JESSICA
“How are you holding up?” Mae asks as she pulls me in for a hug.
“You’re asking the wrong person.” An unamused chuckle escapes me as I hold on for a few long seconds before releasing her. “I’m not the one whose mom just died.”
Mae gives me her sternest look. “Maybe not, but you’ve been busting your ass to help around here and keep Matthew together. Where is he anyway?”
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as my gaze darts to the window, that unsettling feeling growing inside my belly. “Outside.”
“Do I even want to ask?”
I shake my head.
Matthew has been a wreck these past few days. He’s constantly on the move, helping with anything and everything he can get his hands on. It’s like he’s afraid to stop, if even for a second, because all of it would crumble down and swallow him whole.
I’ve tried talking to him, but he has no interest in sharing his feelings. He just wants to get lost and forget.
In work.
In alcohol.
In me.
And I let him, hoping eventually he’d open up and tell me how he’s really feeling.
Mae presses her hand against mine. “He probably just needs time.”
“I know. I’m trying to give it to him, but I hate seeing him like this.”
Just an empty shell of the man I know.
“He’ll come around. You’ll see.”
Mae’s gaze darts over my shoulder, her cheeks turning pink. I look up and find none other than Nico standing in the doorway. He’s talking to some people, but he’s looking at us. Or, well, Mae.
“Are we still pretending there is nothing going on between you two?”
“Yup.” The p pops slightly, but she doesn’t even try to pretend to look away. I chuckle softly as I pat her on the back. “Don’t forget to wipe the drool from your face.”
“Oh, shut up.” She rolls her eyes. “I have to go back to the shelter, but call me if I can help in any way.”
“Will do. Thanks.”
I slip back into the kitchen, my gaze going to the lone man standing on the porch. Matthew slowly sips whiskey from a glass, staring into the distance, as if he’s lost in his thoughts.
My heart aches for him, for his pain and loss, and I hate there’s nothing more I can do to help him.
Still, I can’t resist him.
I cross the kitchen and step outside to the back terrace. If he hears me coming, he makes no attempt to turn around. I stop next to him, pressing my hand over his that’s gripping onto the railing so hard his knuckles are white.
“Hey…”
I look up at him and wait.
Come back to me.
I skim my thumb over his skin, my teeth sinking into my lower lip as I wait.
After what feels like forever, he slowly turns to me. His lips are pressed into a tight line and his eyes are cold.
I let my lip pop. “Do you need—”
“There is no need to keep faking it anymore.”
Faking it?
I blink, surprised by his abrupt answer. “What are you talking about?”
“You. Me. This.” Matthew pulls his hand out of my grip and takes a step back, waving it between the two of us. His mask of cold indifference is firmly in place. “There’s no need for any of it.”
“I’m not faking anything. I’m worried about you.”
“Everything about this was fake from the get-go.” Matthew chuckles, but there is no humor in his voice. He lifts his glass and downs what’s left in it in one go, not even twitching at the burn of the drink. “And now it’s over.”
I jerk back like he slapped me. I kind of wish he had. It couldn’t have hurt more than this.
My heart thunders inside my chest as I just stare at him, his words ringing in my head. “You’re breaking up with me?”
He lifts his shoulders. “Is there a need to break up if it was never real in the first place?”
I grind my teeth, trying to hold back my annoyance. He just lost his mom, and he’s hurting, so he wants to hurt everybody around him in the process.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want you.
“So none of it was real?”
Another shrug. He leans down and grabs the bottle that I haven’t even noticed was on the ground next to him.
“The orgasms were.” He uncaps it, but instead of pouring it into the glass, he just drinks straight from it. “I mean, if you’re up for it, I guess we could go and do it again, one last time. I think Chase won’t mind if we use the gym. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time…”
I shake my head, refusing to fall for this bullshit.
He wants to fight?
Fine, I’ll give him a fight.
“That’s it?” I move closer so we’re standing toe-to-toe. “Nothing else? Just sex? That’s all this is?”
He nods. “Exactly.”
“So you won’t feel anything if I jump straight into somebody else’s bed?”
The muscle in his jaw twitches at my question, something dark and deadly shining in his eyes.
Good.
“I’m not the only bad liar here.” I jab my finger into his chest. “You wanna be an asshole? Fine, be an asshole. You wanna be miserable and alone? Be my guest. But you don’t get to pretend this is nothing.
That you feel nothing for me.” I shake my head.
Tears burn my eyelids, but I refuse to let them fall. “We can talk again when you get sober.”
I turn around, needing to get out of here, but he’s faster. His fingers grip around my wrist, tugging me back. “I just told you, there is nothing to—”
“Well, I don’t care.” I pull my hand out of his hold.
“You don’t get to decide this. You walked away the last time without even saying goodbye.
Without giving me a chance to fight, but not again.
You don’t get to break it off when you feel like it.
You know why? Because I love you, and I don’t believe you when you say you don’t feel the same.
So, no, Matthew. I’m not giving you an easy out.
You don’t feel anything? This thing between us is just fake?
Prove it. But you better make it more believable than whatever this just was. ”
This time, when I turn around, he doesn’t try to stop me.
I shove the door open, almost slamming it into Nico, who’s coming outside. He eyes me warily, so I force out a shaky smile before slipping past him and into the house.
The soft chatter inside seems way louder compared to the terrace. My eyes are blurry, so I bend my head, not wanting anyone to see me upset.
I just need to get out of here.
Need to breathe.
Slipping through the crowd, I head for the door, but when I get out front, I find the driveway filled with cars.
Dammit.
I run my hand through my hair.
There is no way I can get my car out of here.
If I call Mae, she’ll probably turn around and come pick me up. Although, I can’t be sure that she wouldn’t go inside and give Matthew a piece of her mind when she sees me like this.
“Jessica?”
I look up, my brows pulling together when I see the familiar figure. “Hey.” I brush away the tears with the back of my hand. “What are you—”
A piercing pain spreads through my head, making me sway from the impact as blackness dances in front of my eyes.
What the hell—
A strong arm wraps around my middle, pulling me against a firm chest. Warm breath tickles my earlobe. “I told you he wasn’t worth it.”
I try to struggle out of the hold, but it’s iron tight.
No, this can’t be—
Then something sweet presses against my mouth, and I’m swallowed by the darkness.