Chapter 3 #3
Jasper just shook his head. There was something hesitant about it.
Ryan could see it, and he didn’t hold back.
He backed him against the door, the same spot they said goodbye every time Ryan traveled and where they’d started this unexpected goodbye earlier.
But this time, Ryan didn’t let go. He pressed his hips into Jasper’s, grinding their cocks together to remind him of what they used to be.
What they could still be, if Jasper would just stay.
He slid his hands up the front of Jasper’s shirt and felt him shiver. A soft gasp brushed by Ryan’s ear, and then he felt Jasper’s lips against his own.
That was the encouragement he’d been waiting for.
After taking more of Jasper’s kisses, Ryan dropped to his knees.
Jasper’s remaining resistance seemed to crumble, and he reached out to rake his fingers through Ryan’s hair.
It was all he could do to press his forehead against Jasper’s stomach as he worked to open his jeans, shifting to feel the hair there against his cheek.
“This fucking mullet,” Jasper breathed. “It’s so stupid.”
“I’ll cut it. I’ll shave my head.”
Jasper didn’t respond at first, too busy fisting Ryan’s hair and guiding his mouth to his cock. Ryan didn't hesitate, just took the head into his mouth and sucked, tongue swirling slowly to taste him for as long as he could.
“Don’t shave your head,” Jasper said, groaning. His hand tangled further into the strands of Ryan’s hair, guiding him deeper. “Fuck.”
Ryan took him to the back of his throat and swallowed, desperate to show him how good it could be. To make him understand it wasn’t just that he needed Jasper. Jasper needed him just as badly.
Jasper groaned again and pressed into Ryan’s mouth, his hips jerking as Ryan hummed around him.
Tears prickled at Ryan’s eyes, so he took Jasper deeper, almost to the point of gagging.
It made his eyes water, which let him hide the real reason for the tears—the crushing realization that this might be the last time he ever did this.
Tears slipped down his cheeks and met the saliva on his chin, but still, he didn’t stop, desperate to show his devotion. To bring up endless memories of all the nights they’d spent like this, lost in each other and closed off from the rest of the world.
Ryan’s own cock throbbed painfully, but he had no desire to deal with it.
His focus was on Jasper and convincing him to stay.
Jasper felt differently, pulling himself out of Ryan’s mouth and hauling him to his feet.
Afraid to hesitate even for a moment, Ryan leaned forward and kissed him, the taste of precum still on his tongue.
He took his cock out and pressed forward, his hand wrapping around them both.
He stroked them hard as they rutted against one another, Jasper clutching Ryan’s ass to pull him closer, looping a leg around his thigh.
Their movements rattled the door. Jasper’s foot bumped into the entry way table, knocking the bowl off balance until it fell, shattering into pieces by their feet.
Jasper ignored it, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Ryan’s, his eyes squeezed shut and his stuttering breaths brushing past Ryan’s lips.
His body stilled as his release pulsed over Ryan’s fingers.
His moans and hot cum were enough to send Ryan over the edge, so he pressed his face into Jasper’s shoulder, smothering every ragged sound before it could escape.
As their cum mixed in his hand, everything came crashing down around him.
“Please don’t leave me,” Ryan whispered.
The two of them stayed that way, catching their breath long enough that Ryan had convinced himself it had worked. That Jasper would forget this stupid idea and stay at the house and let Ryan show him how good things could be again.
But Jasper pulled back and looked at him with wet eyes, and Ryan knew he was wrong.
“I gotta go,” Jasper said. “Um. I can’t.”
He wiggled out of Ryan’s grip, zipping his pants and cinching his belt so quickly it made Ryan dizzy. Or maybe that was just the foundation of his entire life, collapsing beneath his feet.
“Jasper. Please. Just give me one more chance. I promise, I will change for you. I’ll do anything.”
“I’m sorry, Ry. I don’t even know if I want that.”
“But you might.”
Jasper blew out an exhausted breath. For a second, Ryan stayed put, grasping for any remaining bits of hope that on the tip of Jasper’s tongue was anything other than a no.
“I don’t know, Ryan. But I do know I can’t figure that out while we’re living in the same house.”
Those words, combined with the cum drying on his hands and the suitcases by the door, were heavy and humiliating. Ryan wanted to leave before Jasper took further pity on him. He wanted to find a time machine, or a cave, or a cliff.
The idea of staying in their house nauseated him.
He didn’t want to be there alone, without Jasper.
What was the point? He bought the house because Jasper wanted the privacy.
Ryan didn’t care about that. They had eighteen chickens, and Ryan didn’t even know what they ate besides the occasional kitchen scrap.
Their cat, Calliope, who was hiding from their raised voices, was too old to move, and she’d always loved Jasper more than him.
Their bed was big, and Ryan was so, so sick of sleeping alone.
“I’ll go. I can stay in my apartment in Boston,” Ryan said.
“No. I’m the one choosing to leave, you should stay here.”
“I don’t want to stay here. I don't want to live here alone. I’ll go to Beni’s tonight and go back to Boston tomorrow. It makes more sense than you going to Stevie’s.”
Jasper nodded, maybe more to end the conversation than because he cared either way. “Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Ry.”
“I just need to, uh. Pack up a bag. I won’t take too long.”
“Take however long you need,” Jasper said.
He didn’t look up as he made his way to the kitchen, opening drawers until he found what he was looking for.
He stood at the sink, scrubbing his hands to rid himself of every bit of Ryan.
The faucet dripped after he turned it off, something Jasper had asked him to fix a dozen times.
Jasper dried his hands on a rag, then used it to wipe up the water around the sink, still avoiding Ryan’s gaze. There was no offer of a towel or tissue. Not even a regretful look.
“You should go pack,” Jasper finally said, staring at the counter.
It wasn't until then, after digesting the last thirty minutes, that Ryan fully accepted it: his marriage was ending, his career was over, and the future he'd always imagined was circling the drain with the scorched bacon grease and mopped up orange juice.