Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
As soon as Ryan showed up on Beni’s doorstep carrying two grocery bags and a wreath, Jasper regretted his offer to help the sisters set up for their annual Friendsmas party.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d bothered decorating their house for the holidays.
Ryan was never around, so what was the point?
This was the cruelest part of Ryan’s retirement. Everybody else got to enjoy the version of him Jasper had spent years missing. The version who had time and showed up for family events. The version who brought wreaths.
For everyone else, that was exciting. Ryan was around more, a seamless reintroduction to their lives, like no time had passed.
For Jasper, it felt like grief. His marriage had ended, but he still found himself mourning it all over again every time Ryan acted like the man he was before wrestling consumed his life.
Everyone else got to enjoy the new Ryan.
Jasper had to live with the fact that he’d arrived too late—and he was too scared to open himself to that hurt again.
“Wreath time!” Ryan said. He tossed the wreath like a frisbee and Jasper watched it bounce twice before crashing to the ground.
“Careful,” Jasper said, picking up the wreath and several of the pine needles that fell off.
“Sorry.” Ryan looked at him with a small, hopeful smile, but Jasper was in no mood.
“Hey, little bro! Come into the kitchen and put that stuff away, will you?” Beni called.
Ryan gave a short nod in Jasper’s direction, pausing briefly, perhaps waiting for Jasper to react in some preferred way, or maybe just at all.
He didn’t. He looked at the ground and waited for Ryan to turn away, then watched him walk off, trying—and failing—not to notice the shape of his changing body. In a cruel twist, Jasper liked it even more than he’d liked Ryan’s peak-performance body.
He’d softened lately. Not dramatically, but enough for Jasper to notice.
Then again, Jasper noticed everything about Ryan.
He always had. Even now, when looking at Ryan for too long felt like pressing on an aging bruise, Jasper’s attention to him was automatic.
His heart turned towards him the way a sunflower tracked the sun, entirely against his will.
Physically, at least, this was the Ryan Jasper had fallen in love with.
Everyone else preferred the version from magazine covers and championship posters—sharp lines, spray tans, tailored suits, visible strength.
Jasper preferred this one. A little softer around the edges, carrying groceries into a party and holding a bag out while everyone dug through it. The one Jasper had wanted back.
“Jasper?” Stevie said. “Hello?”
Jasper blinked and turned to his sister, frowning involuntarily. “Sorry. Got distracted for a second.”
“I noticed.” She patted his arm. “Do you want to help me with the basement? I want to clear out a spot for the kids to hang out.”
He nodded and followed her down the stairs. As he passed the kitchen, he heard Ryan and Beni laughing about something.
“I wanted to ask you something,” Stevie said. The way she said it, laced with preemptive pity and sadness, made Jasper’s hackles rise.
“What?”
“There’s someone at work—” she said.
“No.”
“Wait, hear me out! His name is Shawn. He’s really sweet, really nerdy. You guys have a lot in common.”
“I’m not ready to date yet. Ryan and I haven’t even figured out what we’re doing with the house. We haven’t figured out… anything. I don’t know if I ever want to date again. It’s too soon, Stevie.”
“You don’t have to date him!” Stevie said. “I just thought maybe you’d want to meet him. He’s also divorced, and he might be a good person to talk to.”
“I’m not interested. I don’t need friends.”
“Nice. Healthy!”
Jasper looked up from the box he was digging through and glared. “I have friends, is what I meant.”
“One more wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Fine. Maybe. As a friend.” Maybe it would help to talk to someone who knew what he was going through. Probably not, but he could try.
Stevie nodded and handed Jasper a box containing serving platters and spoons. “Take that to the kitchen. I’ll be up in a second with a few more things.”
The top of Stevie’s basement stairs ended on a landing right outside the kitchen, where Jasper could see Ryan and Beni leaning against the counter.
Beni had her phone in her hand, swiping through photos Jasper couldn’t see.
He stayed put, hoping to hear their conversation, but their voices didn’t carry enough.
He heard a few scattered words. Coworker, nice, phone number.
Similar words to those that Stevie had used just seconds ago down in the basement.
Ryan’s head dropped into a subtle, disappointed nod, which filled Jasper with an initial feeling of relief.
Like maybe Ryan wasn’t ready to date either, trying to figure out how to get out of his less-understanding sister’s setup.
But then Beni laughed and elbowed him. Her too-loud voice finally came through clearly, saying, “Just call him. Meet him once or twice, it won’t hurt anything. I think he’d be good for you.”
What relief he’d felt moments earlier was gone in an instant.
In Jasper’s mind, it was one thing for him to move on—he’d already felt abandoned by Ryan, had time to grieve.
But Ryan, even days earlier, had made Jasper think he missed him.
Jasper had let the petty satisfaction warm parts of him he wasn’t proud of.
But now, if Jasper’s suspicions were correct, Ryan was agreeing to a date proposed by Beni.
To bring someone to the party they’d all be attending on Saturday.
Ryan looked up when he heard Jasper shuffling his feet by the door. He swiped at an eye and cleared his throat. He smiled gently and reached for the box Jasper was holding. “Need help?”
“No, I’ve got it.” Jasper placed the box on the counter and put his hands in his pockets. “I’ll see you later, Beni.”
Ryan sighed, the sound of it making Jasper’s fingernails dig into his palms.
“See you Saturday?” Ryan asked.
Jasper nodded softly. “See you Saturday.”
He found Stevie waiting for him in the living room, removing pieces of a Christmas village from the box she’d brought up.
“Aw. Remember when Ryan made this one?” she asked, holding up a small model wrestling ring. “It’s not a town square if there’s no wrestling ring, right?”
Jasper laughed. “I don’t know if I agree.” He waited for Stevie to turn her attention back to the box, then grabbed the wrestling ring and put it in his pocket to bring home.
“Dog hotel!” Stevie said, placing a small building with a connected grassy patch near the school. “It’s looking good, I must say.”
“It is,” Jasper said. “Walk me out?”
Stevie looked at him, confused, and nodded. “Sure.”
When they got to the porch, Jasper felt his body relax. The closer they got to his car, the more tension faded from his shoulders and jaw. He wondered how long it would be before he and Ryan could exist in the same space without his nervous system lighting up.
“See you Saturday, then? What time will you be here?” Stevie asked.
“I’ll be here at six.”
“Okay. Be on time. You know how I get about headcounts.”
Jasper laughed. “I do know.” He looked up to see Ryan through the window talking to Beni, pointing at what Jasper guessed was his preferred platter for the cheese plate.
His skin crawled at the knowledge he’d gained while eavesdropping.
“And, um, hey. Give me Shawn’s number, maybe.
It won’t be a date, but we could at least carpool, right? ”
Stevie grinned. “Yes. Carpooling is responsible. I’ll text you his number.”
“Just friends, though. Not a date.”
“Right. Not a date.”
“I don’t think I can come on Saturday,” Ryan said. “It’s too hard to see him. He hates me.”
Beni rubbed Ryan’s back. “He doesn’t hate you.”
Ryan shrugged. “It doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t, he can’t stand to be in the same room as me.”
“Call Patrick, okay? You don’t have to see him forever. But you need someone to talk to about this. You have a lot going on, and I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine. I’m going to fix up the park, and I’m going to win him back. I don’t need a therapist to help me with that.”
“Ryan,” Beni said, sighing.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. What are you and Stevie doing on your trip, then? You’re stopping by Mama’s house on the way there, right?”
“Yeah, we’re doing a few nights in Blue Ridge to see them. They’ve been itching to meet her.”
“I bet.”
“Other than that, I don’t know. I know she wants to do a few tourist things, which should be fun.
Mostly, I’m hoping we can pretend we’re not moms for a couple weeks and spend half our nights partying and the other half getting tons of excellent sleep.
” Beni sighed wistfully. “I can’t wait. I don’t get to travel enough! ”
“You don’t,” Ryan said. He understood the appeal for someone like Beni, but his relationship with travel had shifted over the years.
It wasn’t until his retirement that he realized how good it felt to be in one place for longer than a week, especially knowing there was nothing on the horizon that would interrupt his stasis.
It would have been even better if he’d managed to stay at his own home, with the one person he loved more than anyone or anything.
Jasper would probably say that wasn’t true. He’d say Ryan loved wrestling more than Jasper. The limelight and the fame and the money. But it wasn’t true, and Ryan knew that. He just wished he knew how to prove it.
Maybe Ryan would reach out to this Patrick guy. One or two sessions wouldn’t hurt, just to be able to talk freely about how hard this transition had been. Not just losing Jasper, but also wrestling. Jasper was always saying Ryan didn’t take care of himself.
He wondered if Jasper had someone to talk to.
“Let’s go help Stevie and then I’ll feed you dinner,” Beni said.
“Okay. Sounds good. I’ll be right there.” Ryan opened his phone and sent Patrick a quick email explaining how he got his information, then pressed send.
Maybe by the beginning of the year, Ryan would be happy again.