Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Jasper spent most of the next day mulling over how to approach Ryan with his thoughts on their relationship.
It was undeniable that things had shifted during their sisters’ vacation.
Despite Jasper’s initial efforts to fight it, he thought now he did want to explore what could redevelop with Ryan, and part of him worried it might be too late.
It was risky, but he hoped, worth exploring.
Nina and Winnie had returned to their mothers’ houses, thank God, but Ryan hadn’t mentioned his plans going forward.
It wasn’t clear if Ryan expected to stay at the house, or if he was going back to Beni’s, or even to Boston.
Jasper sent him a text earlier asking if he’d like to have dinner together, just the two of them, to celebrate the unveiling of the new science lab Jasper had worked the entire previous year to secure funding for.
Ryan had sent an affirmative text back right away, which had made Jasper feel unexpectedly buoyant.
His excitement energized him through his workday, carrying him all the way to the restaurant they used to love, to pick up Ryan’s favorite Hainanese chicken takeout.
Jasper sent another text letting him know he’d be waiting, and they could have dinner whenever Ryan got home.
He said it that way, too—whenever you get home—in the hopes that Ryan would notice the word choice.
Ryan’s response, I’ll be home by five, had been the answer he’d been hoping for.
Normally, Jasper would be more cautious than this.
Maybe it was just that his cold was finally gone, or maybe it was that the sun was shining for the first time in a couple weeks, but whatever the reason, he was allowing himself to get his hopes up.
He believed, deep down—despite the small annoyances that came with a life lived with another person—Ryan had changed. Maybe he had, too.
But when it closed in on seven o’clock, the food had moved to the refrigerator, cold and uneaten; the beer Jasper bought from Ryan’s favorite brewery slowly warmed on the counter; and Jasper was settled on a kitchen bar stool, alone, glad he hadn’t been stupid enough to tell Stevie his plans or put Ryan’s clean laundry back into his drawers.
For the first hour Jasper waited, he’d been worried Ryan was hurt.
There was no reply to a casual text he’d sent checking in, but Ryan read it thirty minutes later, which at least confirmed he was alive.
The excitement bubbling in Jasper’s chest all day had gradually flattened into the vapid stillness of their old normal, and when he finally heard the tires of Ryan’s Land Rover in the driveway, his gut soured instead of fluttered.
He almost found himself wishing for a short, final goodbye.
Was he being hasty again? He imagined Stevie would say yes. That’s why he wasn’t going to kick Ryan out immediately. But if being two hours late was all it took to thrust Jasper back to feelings of uncertainty, that was something he probably shouldn’t ignore.
“I’m so sorry,” Ryan said, bursting through the door. He was wearing work clothes covered with sawdust, not unusual these days.
“I’m sure.”
“No, possum, I’m serious, I—”
Jasper felt his face scrunch up.
“I just wanted to get a few things done at the park and by the time I looked up, it was later than I thought.” Ryan slid a bottle of wine across the counter. “I picked up your favorite wine on the way home so we can celebrate.”
“You said you’d be home at five.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Jas.”
Jasper sighed.
“I get the feeling you don’t believe me,” Ryan said.
Jasper shrugged. “Does it matter?”
“It matters to me, yes. I need you to know this was…” He waved his hands around, grasping for words. “It’s not something I was treating as more important than you. I was doing it for you.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
Ryan’s shoulders slumped, likely understanding the subtext—they owed each other nothing because they were nothing.
“Jasper, come on.” He moved closer. “I do owe you communication, at least. I really am sorry. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I need you to at least… try.”
“I believe you’re sorry, I just don’t know if that’s enough.”
Ryan grabbed the food, somehow knowing it was waiting in the fridge, and put it in a dish to warm in the oven. “Can we just have dinner? You can tell me about your day. You had that school board visitation, right?”
Jasper nodded.
“Did it go okay?”
“It went fine. They like the new science lab.”
“The Jasper Sanborn science lab.”
Jasper smiled despite himself—he was proud of the new lab he’d campaigned for. It was completed over winter break and he’d finally been able to show the board, validating his efforts.
He was also secretly pleased Ryan had remembered.
“Sure.”
“I think it has a nice ring to it.”
“Well, it’ll be outdated before you know it, but that’s okay. It’s better than it was.”
Ryan opened the bottle of wine, leaving the beer on the counter. He poured two glasses. “We should toast to that.”
Jasper stood, raised his glass to Ryan’s, and took a quick sip. “Sure. Cheers.”
They were quiet for a few minutes.
“So, um, what’s your plan, exactly?” Jasper finally asked.
“What?”
“The kids are gone. I figured you’d… I don’t know, go back to Beni’s. Or go back to Boston? To see Micah? I heard you guys on the phone the other day.”
“Yeah, there’s a party next weekend. But no, I mean, I haven’t been to my Boston place in months.”
“Well,” Jasper said, shrugging. “Why not?”
“Because I…” Ryan sighed. “Well, now it’s because I thought we were…” He trailed off and looked to Jasper for help.
“You didn’t even text to let me know you were running late,” Jasper said.
“I did! Look, I—” Ryan pulled his phone out and scrolled to a text but was met with a red exclamation point signaling its failure to send. “Shit.”
Jasper looked at Ryan’s phone screen, too. Be home later than I thought, sorry!
He sighed and sat back on his chair, spreading his hands out on the counter to brace himself. “Do you know how maddening it is to care for someone and never know where you land on their list of priorities on any given day?”
Ryan stiffened. “You are my priority. Every day, for months, you’ve been my priority.”
“You were two hours late for the first dinner we’ve had alone in… I don’t even know how long.”
“Yes, because I was working on something at the park. For you, because you are my priority.”
Jasper put his face in his hands and groaned. When he looked up again, Ryan’s lips were pressed together anxiously. His fingers spun the wine glass slowly, and all Jasper wanted to do was get out of his seat and give him a hug. But he couldn’t—not without being honest, in plain words.
“I can’t trust you, Ry. I don’t want to do this thing where we have plans and you decide something else is more important.
Where you convince yourself it’s okay because at some point, in the future, it will benefit me.
I am telling you, I’ve been telling you—I need you here.
With me. I don’t want wine and watches and chicken coops. All I’ve ever wanted is you.”
“And I’m here,” Ryan said.
Jasper leaned back in his seat. “I called Logan, looking for you. He said you guys were done for the week. He was at a bar in Boston.”
Ryan shifted his weight to his other foot. “Well, yeah. We are done… with… most things.”
“But?”
“But,” Ryan continued, “there are a few things left.”
Jasper raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to elaborate?”
“Not… at this time.” Ryan braved a smile across the counter.
Surprising both of them, Jasper laughed. “Okay.”
Ryan relaxed in response, so visibly relieved it was almost hard to look at him. Jasper picked at his lip, the guilt of what he knew was coming eating at him.
Maybe noticing the shift in Jasper’s mood, Ryan stepped closer. “I’m sorry I was late. Okay? But things have been good lately, haven’t they? I’m trying to show you how good it can be, and I think I’ve done an okay job.”
It was probably cruel to force Ryan to be the one to acknowledge what they were both feeling only to shut him down immediately, but Jasper didn’t know what else to do.
Two hours earlier, he’d been letting his mind wander to thoughts of the two of them reuniting permanently.
Ryan’s presence and support for the last few weeks had reminded him so much of the old Ryan, he had been considering asking him to move back in over dinner.
And he was pretty sure he still wanted that… eventually. But it didn’t have to be right now, and it should wait until Jasper was sure the change wasn’t a fluke. Not until one broken promise—accidental or otherwise—didn't send him tumbling back into every disappointment that had come before.
“They have,” Jasper said. “And you have. That’s why this is all so hard.”
“What is?”
“I just… I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on a couple of good weeks together. I don’t want to rush this, because I—"
“Because you think I’m just putting on this act to get you back.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
“I’m not, Jasper. I would never lie to you just to get you back and repeat all the mistakes that made me lose you.”
“I believe you think that. But tonight is an example of the decision making that damaged our relationship in the first place.” Jasper reached across the counter and placed his hand on top of Ryan’s.
“I don’t want to fight. I want to eat dinner and keep seeing you a lot. And maybe we just take things slow.”
Ryan huffed out a laugh. “So, what, you just get to decide that’s what we’re doing? I don’t get a say?”
The irony didn’t escape Jasper, but he left it alone. “I think we want the same thing, right? The same end goal?”
“I can’t… casually date my husband, Jasper. And it hurts to think you can.”
“I’m not asking to date casually. I’m just asking for a little more time before we jump in with both feet.”
Ryan drummed his fingers on the counter.
“Ryan?”
“I heard you. I’m just thinking.”
Jasper refilled Ryan’s glass and pushed it towards him, giving him one less reason to call it a night. The fight seemed to leave Ryan’s body as he took his jacket off and draped it over the kitchen chairs. He kicked his shoes into the mud room and put his keys on the counter.
He glanced at the glass and nodded before looking up to Jasper. “If it means a future, I can give you more time.”