Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ryan was pacing around outside, phone pressed to his cheek, the fingers on his broken arm playing at the zipper of his hoodie.
Jasper watched him, trying to figure out if something was wrong or if he was just enjoying the fresh air and conversation—they’d gone for a walk after they took a post-shower nap, and Ryan’s phone rang right when they got back.
It’d been Micah. Jasper left him outside, offering some privacy while he cleaned up the kitchen from the lunch Ryan made.
It was just a couple minutes before Ryan made his way up the front steps, gnawing on his lip and scratching at his head. The actions set Jasper on edge immediately, since Ryan’s awkward approach was a familiar one—and one that sometimes ended in ways Jasper couldn’t handle right now.
“Hi,” Jasper said, as Ryan crossed the house to the kitchen.
“Hey.”
“Everything okay?”
“Not really. Um.”
“Ry?”
Ryan sat down at the table and kicked a chair out, gesturing to Jasper to sit down. So he did, stomach churning.
“What’s wrong? You’re freaking me out a little bit,” Jasper said.
“That was Micah’s manager,” Ryan said. “Micah had a bad match. He had surgery a couple days ago, I guess. He’s refusing to talk to anybody. He didn’t even tell anybody he got hurt. I had no idea.”
“Oh, God. That’s terrible. Is he going to be okay?”
“Yeah, he’ll be fine, he just…” Ryan took in a deep breath. “He’s still at the hospital but they’re sending him home soon, and his manager asked me to come out and help get him settled. Just for a few days, until his mom arrives to take over.”
“Okay? That seems fine, right? If he’s going home soon, he must be stable. That’s a good thing.”
“Yeah. He is. But, well, I told him I couldn’t come, and—”
“What?” Jasper asked. “I can tell you’re really worried about him, why wouldn’t you go?”
Ryan stared across the table at Jasper, his face unreadable. “I didn’t want—Earlier, when we—” Ryan sighed and rubbed his face. Jasper was starting to feel uneasy when Ryan said, “I just wanted to clear it with you first. I’m sorry, I am just so scared of fucking this up.”
“Ryan,” Jasper said, scooting his chair closer.
“No, I know, I wanted to clear it with you, but then I freaked myself out a little bit and thought maybe it’d be best if I just told him I couldn’t come. But then I felt like an asshole. But I’d rather be an asshole to Micah than lose you again, so I just—”
“Okay,” Jasper said, rubbing Ryan’s leg. “Relax. Breathe.”
Ryan nodded and took an exaggerated breath.
“All I ever wanted was for you to talk to me before you made decisions. I never wanted to stop you from doing things. I just wanted to be involved in the conversation. But this isn’t a contract renewal or an extra tour.
This is your friend, who needs you.” It was such a departure from what had become the norm in their relationship, he was taken aback—in a good way—when he realized he was eager for Ryan to go.
“Did you think I’d be upset about that?”
“I don’t know. Will you be mad if I say yes?”
Jasper huffed out a small laugh. “No. Maybe. But only because I made you feel that way.”
Ryan pressed his lips together and looked down at his hands, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.
“Go!” Jasper said. “Go now. Do you need me to drive you? I can. And I’ll pick you up whenever you’re ready to come back.”
“No, I’m allowed to drive. I’ll probably only be there a couple nights. I guess Micah’s mom is having trouble finding a flight.”
“Okay,” Jasper said. He stood up and pulled Ryan out of his chair. “Go pack a bag. Keep in touch, but I’ll see you soon. Right?”
Ryan nodded. “Of course. I’ll be in touch. I’ll call you if anything changes.”
“I know you will.”
As confident as he was with the way they’d left things before Ryan went to Boston, Jasper was jittery walking up the steps to Beni’s house a few days later.
He was a jumble of emotions—refreshed and optimistic but carrying a bundle of anxiety he just couldn’t shake.
Stevie had almost taken his head off the night before when he’d been unable to stop jiggling his leg at their parents’ anniversary dinner.
It didn’t make a ton of sense, he supposed—Ryan’s fear around telling Jasper he wanted to go to Boston should have been enough to solidify Jasper’s trust that they were equally invested.
Nearly three months of Ryan working to win Jasper back should have done the same thing.
But fear wasn’t always rational, and Jasper’s plans for the day felt… significant.
At a little after ten, Jasper pushed through Beni’s front door and was met with a quiet, empty house.
Armed with a tote bag full of equipment and a grocery bag full of ingredients, he made his way to the kitchen to set up.
He’d planned to cook the day before, but Ryan ended up staying in Boston an extra night—Micah’s mom wasn’t strong enough to transfer him to his wheelchair, so he stuck around until Micah’s brother arrived.
Ryan’s nerves had been palpable through the phone when he’d called with that update.
Jasper was just happy he’d called at all, but once they hung up, he felt a flush of guilt that maybe he’d traumatized Ryan permanently.
But maybe Ryan was feeling the same way, and they’d just have to work through it together.
There was a meal Jasper made once or twice a year, whenever Ryan seemed particularly exhausted or in need of comfort food he wasn’t in charge of making.
It was something Ryan ate with gusto every time, so it felt like a nice way to honor everything they were leaning into—finding their way back to each other, their upcoming anniversary, even Ryan being on his way to a fully healed shoulder. All of it felt worth celebrating.
Jasper plopped his stuff on the counter and set up the slow cooker, dumping the ingredients in and turning it on.
There was still no sign of anyone in the house—he knew Nina and Beni had taken Ryan’s parents out for the day, a trip into Boston to visit the aquarium, but that didn’t explain Ryan’s absence.
He was probably still sleeping. Jasper washed his hands and hurried down the hall, ignoring the embarrassment that nipped at his heels over how happy he was.
As he suspected, Ryan was there, in bed.
Jasper tiptoed across the room and crawled in next to him, pressing his body against Ryan’s uninjured side.
He took a deep breath in. Ryan was warm, and the blankets held the musky scent of his body.
His cock took interest, but he ignored it.
Despite Jasper’s impatience to get their day started, he forced himself to submit to the comforts of sharing a bed with Ryan again, and without a pillow barrier.
Sleepiness took hold eventually, and he let his eyes drift shut.
Seconds later, he heard Ryan take a deep breath in and shift his body as he wrapped an arm around him.
“Jasper?”
“Yeah.”
“Mmm. Good morning.”
“Hi.”
Ryan pulled him close and fell back asleep, giving Jasper time to doze until his timer went off. The sound woke Ryan up, too.
“What time is it?”
“It’s about lunchtime now.”
“Wow. I haven’t slept that much in months.” He stretched gently. “I assumed retirement would involve a lot more sleeping than it has so far.”
Ignoring his guilt, Jasper changed the subject. “You must be hungry.”
“I am. Something smells good, are you cooking?”
“Yes!” Jasper got out of bed and extended a hand. “Do you need help getting out of bed?”
“Not really, but I’m gonna hold your hand anyway.” Ryan let Jasper pull him out of bed, waiting until they made it down the hallway and Ryan was seated at the kitchen table to let go of his hand. “Thank you. What’s on the menu for lunch?”
“Goulash.”
Ryan’s face fell for a split second before he painted it back into something pleasant. “Whoa, that walking made my stomach a bit queasy.”
“It did? Are you okay?”
“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t know if I should have a big meal right now. I might just make some toast.”
“Really?” Jasper asked, trying to hide his disappointment.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that…”
“You don’t even want a small bowl? You love this stuff. That’s why I made it.”
Ryan leaned forward in his chair and took Jasper’s hand in his. He stroked Jasper’s knuckles with his thumb and took a deep breath. “Um…”
“What?”
“I have to tell you something, and… I just need you to promise you won’t be upset. I don’t want to lie to you anymore, because I don’t want whatever is coming back to life here, what I hope is coming back to life, to start off with dishonesty.”
Jasper was taken aback. Of course, he felt the same way.
He thought Ryan saw a shared future again the same way he did.
But then he wondered what secrets they could possibly have—besides the time Jasper “accidentally” destroyed Ryan’s shortest trunks because they left nothing to the imagination, or the time Ryan glued Jasper’s favorite mug back together and didn’t admit he’d broken it until it leaked all over the coffee table.
True dishonesty was never part of their problem, and Jasper’s stomach lurched at the idea of new relationship hurdles.
“You’re freaking me out a little bit.”
Ryan’s lack of immediate comfort didn’t help ease Jasper’s mind at all.
“Ryan?”
Ryan closed his eyes. “I hate goulash.”
Jasper stood from his chair, nearly knocking it over. “What?”
“Well, I hate your goulash.”
“You hate my goulash?”
Ryan let out a huge breath, like fifteen years of stress was leaving his body. “God, yes,” he groaned. “I hate it so much. Oh, man. It feels so good to get that off my chest.”
Jasper snatched his hand back. “What are you talking about? You love my goulash!”
“I do not. I never have.”
“You’ve eaten it dozens of times and never complained! How long have you hated it?”
Ryan reached for Jasper’s hand again. “I have always hated it.”
“But—"
“I’ve been pretending to like it for fifteen years.”
The corners of Jasper’s mouth dipped. His voice was quiet when he asked, “Why?”