Chapter 25 #3
He must have been quiet longer than he thought.
“Hm?”
“I said, now you can finally relax and enjoy your retirement, huh?”
“Yeah. For sure! I’m totally looking forward to it.”
Jasper turned briefly, his face unconvinced despite the smile. Ryan was grateful for the roads requiring extra focus from Jasper. It gave him more time to figure out what to say.
“You’re being weird,” Jasper said.
“I am not. I am normal.”
Jasper choked out a ridiculous laugh, and then, to Ryan’s horror, he pulled the car to the side of the road.
“Okay. What’s up?” Jasper removed his hand from Ryan’s and patted his thigh, like a friend.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Jasper turned the dome light on, turning the car from a dark cave Ryan could hide in, to a cozy room where he and his husband were inches apart, the soft lighting overhead casting beautiful shadows off the angles of Jasper’s face.
And that was unfortunate, because that made being honest a terrifying endeavor.
Honesty might lead to a fight, and he couldn’t handle any more fighting.
He didn’t have it in him. Tension coiled in his belly and his breathing sped up, too loud in the otherwise silent car.
“Whoa,” Jasper said. “Your hand is all sweaty. What’s going on with you? Are you carsick?”
Ryan laughed through his nose and shook his head. He’d driven those roads almost as many times as Jasper. He could do it with his eyes closed.
“No. I’m not carsick.”
“Ryan,” Jasper warned.
He pressed his finger and thumb to his eyes and blew out a slow breath. “I don’t want to retire.”
“What?” Jasper said, laughing disbelievingly.
Okay, not off to a good start.
“I don’t want to retire. I mean, I want to retire from wrestling. I’m done wrestling. But I don’t want to sit at home and raise chickens.”
Jasper pulled his hand into his lap and Ryan stared at it, wishing he could will it back into his own.
“The commentator thing? Where you go on tour?” Jasper asked, picking at his cuticles. Ryan could tell he’d been aiming for casual, but it didn’t land.
“No,” Ryan said. “No. Never. I promise, no more touring.”
“Then what?”
“I think I want to start my own handyman company.”
Jasper broke into a cautious grin. “Okay? That’s cool! You’d be great at that.”
It was cool, Ryan thought, but it was also exactly what Jasper feared. Wasn’t it? That Ryan would find something other than Jasper to fill his time?
“I swear, I didn’t bring you to the carousel just to drop this news on you.” He was nauseous now, bile creeping up his throat. “Please believe me. It’s not like that.”
“I don’t think anything! I want to hear more about your idea, but right now I’m a little worried about you.”
“I was going to tell you about this at some point, but this is just really bad timing.”
“Bad timing why? Because you just showed me months of hard work you put into making something functional and beautiful? The exact skills you might need to be a good handyman?”
“Because I make decisions without you and force you to go along with them, and then I give you expensive gifts to buy your forgiveness. And it turns out you really don’t like that.
And that carousel is the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought you, and my totally unrelated news of starting a business is… ” Ryan sighed. “A lot, I’m guessing.”
The amused grin Jasper had leading up to this moment had faded away. “Ryan,” he said.
“I just don’t think I’d be happy staying at home. I like working with my hands, and I like being around people.”
“I know that. I think a handyman company is a great idea for those reasons exactly.”
“You do?”
“Ryan,” Jasper said, grabbing Ryan’s hand back, bringing it to his lips to drop a kiss on his fingers.
“I’m sorry I made you think the only way I’d be happy is if you suffered at home, bending to my every whim.
That’s not what I want for either of us.
All I want is to be involved in your decisions, but that doesn’t mean you’re not in charge of your own life. ”
“Oh,” Ryan said.
“I’m not looking for reasons to bolt. You can be honest with me, and I hope you’re not this scared every time.”
“I’m sorry.” Ryan let out a shaky laugh. “I guess I freaked out a little, huh?”
“Just a little.” Words gave way to silence, and Jasper leaned over the console to give Ryan a kiss. “Are we okay to keep going?”
“Yeah. Of course, I’m sorry.”
Jasper gave him another kiss and turned the car on, pulling back onto the empty roads. Ryan’s body felt noodly and weak from the stress leaving his body. His head dropped against the headrest and he shut his eyes.
“So, tell me more,” Jasper said. “I want to hear all your ideas.”
“I don’t really have any ideas yet. I don’t know anything about starting a company. Working on the park just reminded me how much I love that type of stuff. I was actually a little sad to be done.”
“Well, the good news is, the park needs constant maintenance. There will always be work for you to do.”
“That’s true.”
“Plus, maybe if you’re lucky, Logan will be looking for a job.”
“Hmm. And just like that, I’ve lost all interest.”