CHAPTER 19 THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE
TALON
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked as soon as Aife answered the phone.
“Hi Talon, how was your day?” The sarcasm dripped from her voice. “My day was weird as hell, thanks for asking.”
“I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to skip over all the formalities. The thing I need to ask has been pressing on my mind for hours now.” I ran a hand through my hair, frustration making my teeth grind.
Pulling a hand through my hair again, I sighed.
“Tell me about your day.”
“You know I’m fucking with you. Ask your question, silly man.” She sounded better than she had yesterday.
“Can trauma stay in your body? Like I know about PTSD, but like my body feels weird. Ever since I hurt my wrist, I’ve felt off.”
“Mentally or physically?” Aife asked, easily slipping into social work mode.
“Mentally.”
“Trauma does stay in the body. There’s a book on it actually, called The Body Keeps the Score. It’s all about how trauma stays in our bodies. In cases of PTSD, people who have a tendency to disassociate, disconnect from their bodies. It’s usually due to pain, but anything can make you disassociate.
“When we shut off from our bodies, we stop listening to what they need. This can often lead to ignoring pain. Some people can totally shut off communication with their bodies, and they wind up spending all their time in their logical brain. You can stop feeling. It’s a dangerous slope.”
Blinking, I thought over her words. Is that how she felt? Was Aife disconnected from her body? I didn’t feel disconnected; I felt most at home being in my body.
“How can you tell you’re disconnected?”
“Is something wrong, Talon?” Her voice was strained, almost pleading.
A large sigh escaped me. She already knew me better than Davis or Zeke.
They didn’t even know where I was at. Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure how to verbalize how I was feeling.
Sometimes, I felt just fine, but there were other times I felt completely unstable.
I’d never once been afraid to play hockey, but now that fear was in the back of my mind.
“I just feel off,” I said.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Aife sounded so sweet, so caring. She always gave so much of herself to others. Did anyone ever replenish her cup?
“I do, but I think with the team shrink. You gave me a good place to start, darling. So, thank you.” I sat on my couch wishing she was there with me. “How are you feeling?”
“That’s actually a good idea. I don’t have any experience with sports injuries. I’m a little tired. Thank you for asking.” She smiled softly at me through the Facetime she’d started.
“It feels weird not having you next to me.” Silence came from her end of the line. “I missed you today.”
“Really?” My heart pounded in my chest. I grinned,
unable to stop myself. “Fuck, I missed you too. You really and truly are my best friend, but I’m hopeful we can be something more.”
“Talon…”
“Perhaps this is more of an in-person conversation,”
I said and licked my suddenly dry lips.
“If that’s okay.” I could hear a slight tremor in her voice.
“Yeah, of course.”
Silence. It was never awkward for the two of us;
most of our silences were comfortable. We didn’t have to fill the quiet. Sometimes, we just liked being around each other and doing nothing.
“Do you worry that us being together will ruin our friendship?” There was trepidation in her voice and she wore a deep frown.
“I don’t think we’d let it.” I replied. “We care about each other far too much.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that. Bedtime for me.
Sleep well, Talon.”
“You too, darling.”
Davis stared me down over the rim of his coffee mug.
Zeke’s eyes moved between us like it was a tennis match.
I knew my best friend was about to berate me; he just needed to gather his thoughts first.
He had warned me when I first met Aife to stay away from her.
My biggest flaw was that I rarely listened.
“Okay, fucker. Time to talk.” Davis took a long sip of coffee. “I’ll do my best to not strangle you.”
Licking my lips, I nodded at my best friend.
Zeke was here to play referee. The words wanted to come out of my mouth, but my mind wouldn’t let me just yet.
I had to phrase myself carefully. Davis would likely punch me, and frankly, I’d let him.
I broke a promise. That was not the type of guy I was; I didn’t break promises, just wasn’t great at listening.
“Aife and I kissed,” I said quickly, “And I’m planning on asking her to date me… exclusively.”
Davis nodded and popped his neck. “Alright. What part of leave her the fuck alone did you not understand?”
His face was red, really red. I’d seen my best friend angry before, but this seemed beyond anger. If I didn’t know better, I would say Davis was disappointed in me. Much like I took time to find my words, Davis was seriously contemplating his. Clearly, he had more to say.
“What part of she has too much on her plate couldn’t get through your thick, fucking skull?” Davis was getting louder. His fists were clenched next to his coffee cup. “Does she even know about Melody? About the person you turned into?”
Words were bubbling up in my throat, but I choked them down. Davis had to get this out. He was incredibly protective of her. The two had built a bond over the last three years, and I think in many ways they viewed each other as siblings.
“Like seriously, James. Seriously, tell me what the fuck was going through your head.” Davis crossed his arms over his chest.
I pursed my lips, waiting to see if my best friend had anything else to say.
He was a fairly verbose guy. Maybe he had run out of steam, or more likely, he was perfecting the final blow.
There was probably a piece of Davis that really wanted to tear me a new one.
The enforcer in me was getting a little ticked off with it, but I was trying to understand his perspective.
“You done?” Zeke finally spoke up before I could.
His eyes zeroed in on Davis before flickering over to me. “Dude, everyone can see they’re totally in love with each other.”
I quirked an eyebrow. There was that word again.
Melody had so thoroughly broken my heart, I wasn’t sure I knew what love was anymore. My heart raced thinking about that word. Aife and I were still getting to know each other. That couldn’t be love… not yet.
“Love?” Davis asked. “This shit again?” Rage flashed through my brain. The enforcer was coming out full force now. “Enough.” My voice was low, eerily calm.
Both my friends’ heads snapped to me. They played hockey with me. They’d known me for years, so they knew when I was at a boiling point. My whole body was beginning to vibrate. I needed to hit something, or the energy would eat me alive.
“James…” Zeke trailed off. It was a short warning.
Zeke was a goalie; he could take a hit.
“I feel like we keep hashing out the same fucking thing,” I said lowly. “You’re protective of Aife. That’s fine. But you need to watch how you speak to me. We’re best friends, Davis.”
Nodding, Davis looked down at his coffee mug. The fight in both of us just flickered out. Zeke settled down as well. He wasn’t usually the referee, but he’d done a surprisingly good job. Because we were like brothers, all three of us could move on from the conversation.
“So, you like her?” Davis asked. He was the romantic out of our group.
“A lot.” A smile broke out on my face. “She makes me feel like the only man on the planet. She’s an incredible woman and listener. Aife is just truly special.”
“Fuck, you do sound like you’re in love.” Davis grinned at me. “You’ll be whipped soon enough.”
Shaking my head, I just laughed and changed the topic. I hated having attention focused solely on me; it was annoying and made me uncomfortable.
“What about you and Nat?”
Zeke caught on to what I was doing. “They’ve gone on a few dates that always end up with sex.”
Davis’s face flushed pink. Was he embarrassed? “Good for you,” I said, meaning it.
“Not really.” Davis frowned at his cup. “She seemingly only wants sex. I want more.”
“Like a relationship?” Zeke opened a protein bar.
“You haven’t had one of those in a long time.”
I listened to the two converse. My body was tired as was my mind.
I just really needed a break from people, even my friends.
The only person I actually wanted around me was Aife.
It felt weird to admit that, even if it was only to myself.
Aife was becoming an addiction. I was okay with that too.
She made me happy, and I could only hope that I made her happy too.