Chapter 17 #2
He strokes my hair. “Don’t cry.” He lifts my chin forcing me to look at him. “I don’t plan on dying or leaving you. Okay?”
“But you’re prepared to,” I whisper. “I see it in your eyes. I understand why this has to happen, but that doesn’t make it better.
It’s not fair. All those years I was locked away I didn’t think I’d ever be happy or have anything to live for.
That changed after I met you and you told me you want me as much as I want you.
I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you.
You’re the only person I want to be with. ”
I bite my lips, choking with emotion. If Roman dies, there might not be a reason for me to stick around anymore.
I’d be worse off than when I was in the basement, because now I know what it feels like to be in love.
Loving Roman is different from how I loved all the people in my life before London.
I love him more, so deeply it makes me sick to think of never seeing him again.
“I don’t think I’d want to live if you’re not here.”
“You’ll live,” he says, gripping my shoulder. “You’re going to live a fucking good life if I’m not around. I’m going to make sure of it.”
“How can I?”
“Because I say so.”
I want to argue, tell him he can’t control that, but I don’t. Pushing back would only make it harder, and I want to be strong for him.
Instead, I nod.
His lips curve into a tender smile. “Good.”
Roman closes the curtain. When night falls, we leave under the cover of darkness, taking a little over an hour to get outside Moscow. With no other cars on the road, we arrive at a small cottage Roman says belonged to an acquaintance.
After unpacking the necessities, we head outside despite the freezing cold. It’s quiet, so quiet, not even the hedgehogs might be out tonight. I don’t mind. I glance over at Roman. His jacket is open, like the cold doesn’t bother him, his posture relaxed as ever.
“Can I come back out here tomorrow?”
“Not when I’m gone. I have to go into the city. It won’t take long, but when I come back, I’m bringing someone else with me.”
“Here?” My breath stops. “To see me?”
“Pchyolka, I have to. I thought about it and I can’t be the only one who knows about you.”
“But you said—”
“I know what I said. I changed my mind. I won’t mention your gift. That will always stay between us.”
“Then why? How can you trust this person not to talk?”
“Lev won’t.” He touches my hand. “With this I trust him. I’ve known him since I was seventeen. I trust him, not the way I trust you, but he’s a good friend. That’s why I didn’t ask you to read him. We need his help.”
“For what?”
“He’s a genius with documents. He can make anything.” He watches my face carefully. “Including passports. That’s what we need.”
My stomach turns.
“If I don’t come back tomorrow morning,” he continues, voice low, “you’ll need one to leave the country.”
I want to block it out. Cover my ears and pretend I’m not hearing what he’s suggesting. It’s stupid and childish. I know. I swallow hard. “How can he do it on such short notice?”
Roman smirks. “Time isn’t a problem when you have the resources.” His smile fades. “The passport will get you anywhere. I’m also setting you up with cash and access to my bank accounts in Cyprus and Switzerland.”
“Roman, you can’t do that.” Panic slides into my voice. “I can’t have access to your money.”
“You’ll need it if I’m not here to take care of you.” He thumbs my cheek. “Besides, it’ll entertain me in hell watching you spend it.”
“That’s not funny.”
“You’re right, it isn’t.” His voice softens.
“It’s the truth. You deserve the best of everything.
I’m going to do everything I can to stay alive and give it to you.
But if I don’t, I don’t want you worrying about how to take care of yourself.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m making up for what my father did, for everything he took from you. ”
“You already have. Grigori stole a future I could’ve had, not the one I want with you.”
He lowers his head, brushing his lips against mine.
“I’m sorry about the way you came into this country.
I hate that you were alone all those years in that basement.
What I’m not sorry about is that despite how fucked up it all is, I found you.
Now you’re mine. My father tried to punish me any way he could for so many years and the one person he tried to use as a tool against me turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. ”
“I ruined his plans.”
Roman laughs quietly. “Yeah. You definitely ruined his plans.” His arm slides around my waist. “Also mine of staying single.” He whispers the Russian words from this morning that I didn’t understand.
“That’s not fair.” I pull back slightly. “Tell me what it means.”
He cups my cheek, his hand cold against my skin. “It means, you’re my life. I don’t deserve you, but I’ll try.”
My insides melt in the freezing air. I rise onto my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck. “Is that your way of saying you do love me like I love you?”
“No.” His lips curve upward. “That’s my way of saying exactly what I said.” His gaze locks on mine “If I was going to tell you I love you, I’d do this.” He leans down and kisses me.
“I love you,” he says against my lips. “I love how your eyes light up when you see me and right before you start asking questions. I love that you want to be with me even though you know how I am. I love you for being my pchyolka.”
I smile despite the wind whipping at my face. “I knew you did. I just wanted to hear you say it.” I throw my arms around his neck. “I love you, Mr. Ivanov. Especially when you’re telling me how much you love me.”
“Nala,” he says, leading me toward the door, “I’ll tell you as often as you want, as long as we can go back inside. I’m about to teach you a few more ways to keep a man warm in the cold.”
“Oh.” I tilt my head, pretending to consider it. “It is very cold, isn’t it?”
“Siberian,” he mutters.
“Hmm,” I smile to myself, remembering the image painted on the building. “Can we stay warm like that man and the woman in the graffiti we saw today?”
Roman grins. “How about we test it?
I nod and bolt for the door, laughing, with Roman right behind me.