10. Nate
NATE
Zach’s grip on me tightens, and he presses into the kiss, with a raw eagerness that makes my heart quiver.
I hold him close, deepening the kiss, tasting his lips and tongue, inhaling his scent, a mixture of citrus deodorant and sea salt.
I stroke his face, run my hand through his hair, and draw him closer, pulling him as tight as I can against my body.
I can’t remember wanting someone more. Yet everything he said is true.
This wasn’t our agreement, and his head is messy.
I break the kiss, but keep my face close to his. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes,” he whispers, nudging my nose with his. “I’ve never wanted anyone more.”
He tugs me closer, and our mouths meet again, this kiss more desperate than the last. My body tingles at his closeness. An ache grows inside me. My pulse quickens. Heat rises in his skin. He presses against me, his breathing hitching, his hands grasping and stroking and delightful.
I stop the kiss and take a breath. “You’ve just had an emotional first kink experience. We should slow down.”
He whines desperately.
I stare into his eyes, smiling. “I want you, too, sweet boy, but I wouldn’t be doing a good job as your Daddy if I took advantage of you now.”
“You’re not—”
I lay my finger gently over his lip. “You’re vulnerable right now, which was the point. I don’t doubt that you know what you want, but ask me again when you’re not straight out of your first-ever scene. All right?”
His chin trembles, but his gaze remains unwavering as he nods. “What now?”
I adjust so we’re lying side by side on the bed, Zach still in my arms. “Maybe we should say goodnight.” It pains me to say it. I would love to hold him all night long.
“Does that mean we have to?”
I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his. “We should.”
“But do you want to?”
No. Not at all. I open my eyes and stare into his as I stroke his cheek. “What do you want?”
“You,” he whispers. “I haven’t wanted anyone in over a year.
I told myself I couldn’t let myself want anyone.
” He drags in a shuddering breath. “She’s not the only one who made me feel unsafe.
I did it to myself by climbing into the closet and telling myself that the only way I could make it here was to put up walls and be someone else.
But you make me feel safe.” He clutches my T-shirt in his fist and presses his head against my chest. “And maybe it’s all pointless, because if I give up on acting, I won’t be able to stay.
I’ll have to go home. Being with you won’t last. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I want you, Na— Daddy, so, so much.”
Him calling me ‘Daddy’ almost does me in.
My body tingles with desire for him. It would be so easy to relent and give him what he wants.
I want it, too. But I won’t. I will not take advantage of him.
Not now. Not fresh out of his first scene.
Not when his emotions are running high. I won’t give him any reason to regret tonight.
I want him to look back at his first kink experience positively.
“I want you, too,” I assure him. “You are so beautiful.” Especially when he’s like this, vulnerable, his guard lowered completely.
“But—?” he whispers.
“Not tonight.”
He nods. “I understand.”
Does he?
“Could you at least hold me for a while, before you leave?”
“Yes.”
We lay in silence, our hearts beating as one. His fingertips move back and forth over my heart. I stroke his hair. My body screams at me, telling me I’ve made the wrong choice, but I know I haven’t. I’m doing what a good Daddy should—I’m taking care of my boy.
“Are you awake?” I ask eventually. I have no idea how long we’ve lain together.
“Yes.”
“I should go.”
“Will you be able to come tomorrow?” He sighs. “God, I’m being needy.”
“I don’t mind needy.”
He has every right to be that way, but it’s all the more reason I know I was right to hit the brakes.
I’m his anchor. The one person he feels safe with.
I will not take advantage of that. If he still feels the same way when he’s not fresh out of a scene and has had time to think, I’ll know he means it. As much as I can, anyway.
“And, yes, I’ll come by tomorrow. Do you want to go jogging?”
He murmurs an affirmative.
“Then I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bright and early,” he says. “Ugh, I’m missing the gym.”
I hesitate for a few seconds before saying, “I have a small home gym.”
“You… What now?”
“I have a small home gym. You’re welcome to come and use it, if you want. It’s nothing fancy. Adjustable weights, a weight bench, resistance bands, and a pull-up bar.”
“That sounds like a full-body workout to me, especially on top of a morning run.”
I chuckle. “Got to get the cardio in.”
“Right?” Zach cups my face and stares into my eyes. “Are you sure you want to invite me over to your place?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’d love to come and work out with you.”
My mind goes somewhere it shouldn’t. “Tomorrow,” I whisper.
“Tomorrow,” he agrees.
Then we’re kissing again, and this time, I really don’t want to stop.
I arrive at Halo House before eight. Zach is waiting for me.
Like me, he’s opted to run in shorts today rather than jogging pants.
He’s holding a bottle of water; his skin glistens with the tell-tale gleam of suncream, and he’s wearing a bandana over his hair, which he’s pulled back into a ponytail.
“It’s already so hot,” he says as he gets in the car.
“Ah, so it’s true then.”
He frowns. “What?”
“That you Brits love to complain about the weather.”
“It’s a good thing I like you,” he grumbles.
“Is it true?”
“Well, yes, but that’s because our weather is all over the place and it’s never just right. It’s either too hot, or too cold, too dry, or too wet. There’s lots to complain about.”
I chuckle. “Apparently so.”
“What would you know? You live in California. You get practically no rain, and every building is air-conditioned.”
“We get rain.”
He snorts. “Yeah. The rain you get in a year? We can get that in a week.”
“Are you sure?”
He shrugs. “No. But it sounds impressive.” He shudders. “Or horrible. Rain sucks. Especially when it’s cold and damp.”
“My takeaway from that conversation is that you prefer the weather in LA.”
He purses his lips sulkily. “I like the sunshine.”
“Enough to want to stay?” I ask carefully.
He glances at me, curling in on himself. “Yes, but it’s not that simple.”
“I know. I’m sorry for asking.”
“It’s fine. I need to think about my future. I need to figure out whether I’m going to stay or run away.” He sighs. “And I probably need to look for a new job. I doubt my boss is going to stay patient with me for much longer.”
“Do you have any auditions lined up?”
“Two… But I didn’t make them. My agent told them I was sick.
She’s not going to line any more up for me until I tell her I’m ready.
Assuming she doesn’t drop me in the meantime.
I just… Every time I close my eyes, I see her.
Almost every time. I didn’t when you blindfolded me, or when you held me afterwards.
” He droops his mouth into an unhappy line. “But I can’t cling to you forever.”
“But you can for now. You won’t need to forever.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Have you considered speaking to a therapist?”
He laughs bitterly. “Like I can afford that. That would be another reason to go home. There might be a six-month waiting list, but at least I wouldn’t have to pay out of pocket for counselling.”
I tap the steering wheel. “Let me see what I can do.”
“I can’t—”
I turn to him and put my finger over his lips, gently silencing him. “Let me see what I can do. I’m your Daddy. It’s my job to take care of you.”
He widens his eyes and sucks in a breath.
“Assuming that’s still what you want?” I lower my finger.
“Yes. Yes, it is.” He lowers his lashes. “I want to kiss you again, too. I’m not fresh out of a scene anymore, Daddy.” He raises his eyes, meeting mine. “I know what I want. I know what I need.”
I smile, lean across the console, rest my hand on the back of his neck, and draw him the rest of the way to me, to kiss him. It’s a soft, sweet kiss at first. Then he clutches my arm, and the kiss instantly becomes more desperate and needy, both of us showing how much we want each other.
I end the kiss reluctantly, close my eyes, and stroke his nape gently, as I lean my forehead against his. “We’re supposed to be going for a run.”
“And then back to yours.”
“To work out.”
“Yes.”
“That’s still the plan, sweet boy?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Then we’d best get going.” I press a short, soft kiss to his lips, and then put the car into drive.