20. Nate
NATE
It’s a nice day when I arrive at the graveyard.
The sun is fierce, but a slight breeze takes the sting of the heat away.
Leaves rustle overhead as I walk down quiet, well-kept paths to a small plot.
I tidy the grave, plucking out weeds and removing dead flowers, before laying a fresh bunch in front of the gray marble headstone.
It’s not the original headstone, but a replacement I paid for as soon as I had the means.
Kurt deserved better than a cheap grave marker.
I rest my hand on top of the stone. “I know it’s been a while.
I just wanted to let you know I’m doing okay.
” I brush my thumb over the stone. “I’ve met someone, and they’ve finally helped me understand that I couldn’t have done anything else to help you.
” A shuddering breath escapes me. “I blamed myself for so long, but I don’t have to carry that guilt around anymore. ”
The wind picks up, tugging a leaf off the branch above me.
It floats down, landing on the gravestone.
Tears well in my eyes as the leaf twirls to the ground and then tumbles away across the grass, carried by the playful wind.
A memory stirs in my mind, of Kurt and me sitting on the hill overlooking our town.
“I’m going to get out of here one day,” Kurt said defiantly. “I’m going to leave this shitty town behind.”
“We’ll get out of here together,” I promised.
“Together.”
We knocked our fists together, his on top of mine, then mine on top of his.
“I did get out. I’ve made something of my life.”
Would Kurt have been proud of me?
I clear my throat. “This guy I met… My boyfriend… I think you’d like him. He’s an actor. He’s waiting to hear about a huge movie. It’ll make him a star. He’s had an audition, and a screen-test, and was asked to sign a multi-movie test-option contract.”
I’m so proud of Zach. Even getting that far is a massive achievement.
We learned via one of the Hollywood gossip rags that he’s on a shortlist of three actors.
Waiting to hear from the studio is excruciating, so I’ve been doing everything within my power to keep Zach relaxed and distracted.
I chuckle. That means we’ve been doing lots of playing.
It turns out that my sweet boy adores being edged.
I bought him some new toys, which we’ve been having lots of fun with.
He loves surrendering to me, especially when I tie him up and blindfold him.
I cleared his apartment out, getting rid of everything his stalker had touched, as requested.
His therapy sessions have been going well, and he’s been spending more time at my place than at Halo House.
He’s waiting to hear about the movie before looking for a new place.
While he’s test-optioned, he’s not allowed to do any other auditions or accept any other offers.
But he’s fired up about the possibility of getting this film.
His eyes light up whenever he talks about it.
When I first met him, I worried his spirit had been dampened for good, but that isn’t the case.
“I love him.” I can throw that into the world here, where there’s no one to hear me. “I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” I knock my knuckles against the top of the headstone. “Maybe I should tell him that.”
I stand and stare at the gravestone for a few more minutes, paying my respects silently. It never felt like enough before, but today it does.
I swipe a tear from my cheek. “Your dad’s gone. I thought you’d want to know that. Heart attack.” I press my lips together and sniff to stop any more tears from falling. “I hope you’ve found peace, Kurt. I’ll see you around.”
I touch two fingers to my lips, kiss them, and then stoop to press them to the grave. Then I turn and walk away, a sensation of tranquility settling within me.