36. Eliza
ELIZA
The gravity of asking Leo to stay the night didn’t hit me when we were falling asleep. Or when I woke up in his arms this morning. Or when he took me in the shower before work.
It hit me hours later as I finished teaching my last yoga class of the day.
As I wrapped up class, I spoke about what practicing yoga meant to me and how important it was to create a safe space to just be. Be yourself. Be at peace. Be surrounded by people with a similar goal for the day.
Root and Vine had always been a place where I could be myself, similarly to how I felt when I was around the people who mattered most to me.
I’d never felt that about a man who I’d physically been with. Until Leo came along.
I hadn’t ever tried, because I didn’t think it was possible to find that feeling in a romantic partner. Feeling safe enough to take a risk, to do anything. To be myself. To be vulnerable.
To ask him to stay.
Lily’s words from a few months rang in my ears.
What you need is someone who allows you to take risks but is a safe landing place.
When I heard those words, what Lily described felt so out of reach. Nearly impossible.
Now, as it floated within my grasp, it terrified me with how possible it was.
Frustration gripped me as a tightness spread throughout my chest.
I hadn’t seen this coming. I should’ve seen this coming, and now I felt so out of control.
I stayed in the studio after the last person left and lay down on my mat, my back flat, knees bent, and eyes closed. I set my hands over my stomach and focused on breathing deeply. In and out. In and out.
I tried to pinpoint when things had changed. Maybe if I could figure that out, then we’d go back to how things were before.
But as I racked my brain over the last couple of months, all I could find was memory after memory of when things could have changed. The rooftop. Our first kiss. Sex. Him cooking for me. Our hike. There were countless smaller moments that I couldn’t even account for.
Had things been changing this whole time?
The ache in my chest didn’t lessen no matter how many deep breaths I took.
It’d only been two months. My whole world had changed in two months.
How was I going to feel when he left? Or if I lost him?
I could handle a lot of things, but not that.
That was why I didn’t get my feelings involved. I didn’t want to be put in this position and make this kind of decision.
I sat up, crawling over to my bag and pulling out my phone, calling the one person I needed more than anything right now. The phone rang twice before her sunshine voice filled the line.
“Hey, what’s up?” Lily asked.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Eliza?” There was a slight hitch of panic. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I croaked. Clearing my throat, I added, “Are you busy?” I’d lost track of time and wasn’t sure if she was in the middle of a rush or not at the café.
“Doesn’t matter,” she said quickly. “Where are you? The studio?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
As promised, Lily was over in less than five with iced coffees and a box of pastries.
I locked the front door to the studio once she came in, and we sat in the front room near the desk. We didn’t say anything at first.
“What happened?” Lily asked, her voice gentle as she gave me the space to think through my words. She reminded me a lot of her mom in that way.
While I called Lily today, I fully recognized how lucky I was to have a number of strong women in my life I could call who could drop everything if I needed them—Laura, Gran, Jules.
It lessened the ache ever so slightly over how I couldn’t call my parents.
Couldn’t ask my mom for advice on what I should do.
Couldn’t forget about the loss that shaped me more than I realized.
“Leo came over last night, and…” I paused, letting out a breath. “Everything was great.”
“Did he lose his mind after seeing you in his chef’s coat?” Lily couldn’t help but ask, leaning forward. I’d told her and Jules a rough version of my plan.
Her enthusiasm got a weak smile out of me. “He did. The whole night was great, and I didn’t want it to end. I’d never felt that before. So, I asked him to stay.”
“Wow,” Lily said softly, leaning back in her chair. “That’s a big deal for you.”
“It is, except—” I shook my head, that same frustration bubbling to the surface. “Everything has changed. This isn’t what we agreed on, and now I’m so damn angry at myself.”
Lily’s brows furrowed. “Why are you angry? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re letting yourself feel. That’s beautiful, Eliza.”
“Because I can’t figure out when we crossed the line.
I can’t go back to the way things were before.
” I didn’t think Lily would understand. While her and Gabe’s relationships had its hurdles, they both wanted to be with each other.
They both wanted the same things—Leo and I didn’t.
He wanted to settle down with someone, and I didn’t. Or, at least I thought I didn’t.
“I don’t trust myself,” I added. “Nothing is making sense.”
Everything I thought I did or didn’t want had been flipped on its head since meeting Leo—and now I had no clue what that meant. One thing I did know, though, was Leo had never asked me to change anything about myself.
“I don’t want anything serious. He’s catching feelings, and I’m…”
I couldn’t even finish that sentence because if I said anything other than and I’m right there with him, it would be a lie.
“I just don’t want anything serious,” I settled on. “I never have and that hasn’t changed.”
Lily had stayed quiet, listening intently while I rambled.
“Eliza,” she started, “I’ve never seen you happier or more yourself than these last few months. You have changed, but it hasn’t been for him and it’s not in the way you think—it’s been for yourself and for the better. You’re more you.”
I shook my head again, not wanting to listen or believe the words leaving my best friend even though I knew she was right.
I felt happier, less scared. I was doing things out of my usual routine but also doing some of my favorite things with Leo.
And he was along for the ride and open to having these experiences with me.
He had never asked me to change for him.
Not once had he made me feel like he didn’t appreciate every single thing about me.
But we were never supposed to change into something. We were always supposed to be temporary.
Sensing my panic, Lily came over to me, sitting on the edge of the chair. “Let yourself have this, Eliza,” she said softly. “Let yourself have him. He’s not his brother and he’s not some guy who’s going to break your heart.”
I knew that. I knew down to my bones that Leo would never do anything to hurt me. That he was unlike any other man I’d been with.
That was the problem.
I already didn’t want to let him go…what would happen if I actually gave us a chance and then lost him?
I didn’t think I’d survive it.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “He’s leaving. That’s what we’d agreed on. It would only be sex and he’d leave. I can’t do more than that. I just can’t.”
Lily slid an arm around my shoulders, tugging me close and resting her head against mine. “It does matter,” she said quietly. “But you don’t have to figure it all out right now.”
I let out a shaky breath, letting her comfort settle over me like a warm blanket. For the first time in hours, maybe days, I felt a little of the tension in my chest loosen.
It didn’t solve everything, but it made the weight a little easier to bear.
And for a fleeting moment, I allowed myself to imagine what life could be like if Leo decided to stay.