38. Eliza
ELIZA
It was a lot easier for Leo and me to avoid each other when we were both actively trying.
Little things like coming in through the front door instead of the back through the kitchen or grabbing my prep when Leo was in his office or busy in the kitchen. And we didn’t walk back to our apartments together.
It was impossible to avoid him completely, though, and each time I caught a glimpse, all I could think about was our conversation in my apartment a week ago.
Had it really already been a week?
It felt like an eternity.
What I kept coming back to was how well Leo knew me. How he understood me and what I needed—and how he put that above his own needs. I knew there were things he wanted to say to me, but he held back because he didn’t want me to feel pressure to make a certain decision.
Even when I was breaking his heart, he stayed strong and steady. For me.
What you need is someone who allows you to take risks but is a safe landing place.
I wasn’t a stranger to taking risks, and yet, when it came to admitting how I felt, I couldn’t do it. It felt too intimidating, too out of my control. Too much on the line.
But maybe that was nothing compared to how miserable I’d been the last week.
I missed Leo more than I thought I would—and he was still here. What was I going to feel when he left?
I cleared the empty beer glasses from the bar, giving them a quick rinse before placing them in a bin to take back to the dishwasher. As I finished up, Cooper walked up to the bar, brows raised as he looked at me, not saying anything.
“What?” I said, not in the mood to deal with him—or anyone, for that matter. Let’s just say I hadn’t been the most pleasant over the last few days and had been giving Wes a run for his money on grumpiness levels.
Cooper pulled out a stool to sit and leaned his pool cue against the bar. “That’s quite the greeting,” he said after a long pause.
“Cooper,” I deadpanned. “If you’re going to give me shit, can you save it for another time?” I nodded toward the pool tables. “Don’t you have a game to get back to?”
My brother shook his head. “Nope,” he said, popping the P. “Just finished. And I smoked ’em, as per usual.”
“Great,” I muttered. I looked around to see if anyone around the bar needed a drink or refill, but they were all wrapped up in their conversations. When I turned back toward my brother, he was still sitting there, watching me carefully. “What?” I repeated, more exasperated this time.
“How long are you going to do this?”
“Can you stop being cryptic for one fucking second?” I gritted. I’d been able to hold it in all week—but I was seconds away from snapping. “Doing what?” I raised my arms, letting them hit against my thighs.
“Being miserable. Not going after what you want. Holding back.” He paused. “Do you want me to keep going?”
My jaw clenched, and I glared at him. No, I didn’t want him to keep going.
“Why are you holding back, Eliza? You care about him. Is that the end of the world?”
An unexpected wave of emotion came over me, and I placed my palms on the bar top to steady myself.
Because it did feel like the end of the world. The emotions I’d been holding in all week were threatening to come to the surface. Except it wasn’t frustration or fear—it was an unbearable sadness. A grief over what I was giving up.
A few minutes passed without either of us saying anything.
“It kind of does feel like that,” I admitted, my voice barely cutting through the music playing over the speakers.
“It’ll feel worse when he’s not here, and you’re wondering what if.”
I looked at my brother, so much understanding in his gaze that I hadn’t ever noticed before, whether that was because I hadn’t looked hard enough or hadn’t understood.
Missing someone who you knew was alive and doing well but no longer in your life was its own form of heavy, sinking grief.
“Does it feel like that for you?” I asked quietly, knowing very well we normally didn’t go there.
Cooper leaned his forearms on the bar and clasped his hands together. “It did. Still does.” He paused. “And that’s exactly why I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did.”
“Do you wish Jade had stayed?”
He shook his head no.
“Do you wish you’d gone with her?”
It took Cooper a couple beats, but this time, he nodded slowly.
My heart twisted. “Coop,” I breathed. I didn’t have to ask him why he didn’t—I could put the pieces together that it likely had something to do with Gran or me or the million other things Cooper considered himself responsible for after our parents died.
“It is what it is. I made my decision. But…you still have time, Eliza. He’s still here. You can still tell him how you’re feeling.”
“But what if he’s changed his mind? What if he wants to leave now?
” I licked my lips, shaking my head. “I really hurt him, Coop. He was ready to stay and…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, knowing my voice would betray me by revealing all the emotion I’d been feeling over the last week.
I thought pushing Leo away would save us both from heartache—not throw us both into it.
I thought I’d be able to go back to how life was before him, but there was no going back nor did I want to.
I never wanted to forget the way he made me laugh or how safe he made me feel.
I wanted to remember everything about him. Everything about how special he made me feel. Everything about how much he meant to me.
“That’s part of putting your heart on the line, isn’t it?
” Cooper said. “It takes a lot of strength to give your heart to someone, but it seems pretty worth it when it’s the right person.
” Coop tipped his head toward Wes and Jules, who were walking into the main area from the back hallway.
“I mean, look at Wes. I never thought I’d see his grumpy mug smiling like that at someone who wasn’t me, but here we are. ”
The first smile I’d had in days tugged at my lips, and I let out a shaky breath. I reached for a glass, filling it with soda for Cooper before setting it down, along with a straw.
“Trust yourself, Eliza.” He reached for the straw, ripping half of the wrapper off, and in typical Cooper fashion, he lightened the mood. He placed the straw between his lips and blew the other half of the wrapper toward me.
I rolled my eyes, pretending to be annoyed, but my lips twitched again.
“Look at that. Nearly got two smiles out of you.” He lifted the soda in a silent thanks and got up from his stool, grabbing his pool cue with his free hand. “One thing’s for sure, though. Regardless of what happens, you’re going to be okay. I know it. You’re strong as hell.”
“Thanks, Coop. So are you.” Before he walked away, I blurted, “I know I don’t tell you enough, but I’m lucky you’re my brother.”
He looked at me over his shoulder, a smile tugging on his lips. “Don’t go all soft on me now, or else I’ll have to be a pain in your ass.”
“You already are a pain in my ass.”
“A bigger one, then.” He grinned. A few seconds later, his expression softened. “Love you, sis. I’m proud of you.”
“Love you, too,” I whispered as he walked away.
I’d never been one to be soft and safe—there was no reason to start being that now. I’d always been about taking risks, and I’d risk it all for Leo.