40. Eliza
ELIZA
Colin’s name flashed on my phone, and my mind immediately went to Leo. That wasn’t anything new, though, because so much reminded me of him.
There was no escaping him or the hold he had on my heart—no matter how much I’d tried to deny it. After talking with my brother a few days ago, I decided to stop denying it and embrace all the emotions I was feeling, including…love.
I loved Leo. I didn’t know exactly when I’d fallen in love with him, because there were too many possible moments when things could’ve changed.
And, honestly, things had been constantly changing.
One thing I knew wouldn’t change, though, were my feelings for him.
My love for him. I also knew without a shadow of a doubt I’d never feel like this about someone again.
Colin had been trying to reach me for whatever reason over the last couple of months, and we’d been playing phone tag over the last few days. There was no avoiding my ex any longer.
I paused watering my plants to give my full attention to the call. “Hey, Colin,” I answered. Hopefully, this conversation would be quick. The sinking feeling in my stomach told me that maybe Colin wanted to get back together—which I’d easily and quickly turn down.
“Hey, Eliza. I, uh, I need to talk to you.” Colin’s voice was serious. More serious than I’d ever heard him.
My mind moved a million miles a minute, wondering if something had happened to Leo or Celine. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Colin assured quickly. “And nothing happened. Everyone’s okay.”
I believed him…but I also didn’t, because his voice shook as he answered. Normally, Colin was confident and collected. Today, he sounded nervous.
Silence filled the line.
I pulled back the phone, ensuring our call was still connected. “Colin, you’re really freaking me out. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know how to say this, Eliza, but I need to tell you the truth. I should’ve told you a long time ago. Frankly, I should’ve never done this to begin with, but it’s…well, it’s too late now, but I want to make things right. Or, as right as they can be, all things considered.”
Blood pounded in my ears, and anxiety roared through me. “Okay…” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. I walked to my couch and sat on the edge.
“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t care about you when we were together—I did—but I…I asked you out because Leo was interested in you. He saw you first and wasn’t going to go up, so I did. Because, for once, I wanted something he couldn’t have.”
My mouth opened, my throat drying up and realizing that the something Colin was talking about was me.
What. The. Fuck.
Colin proceeded to tell me more about that night and the insecurities he had toward Leo…and how they trickled into our relationship. How when we were together, he saw the things Leo and I had in common.
How Leo saw me first and had seen me all along.
The pieces started to slowly fall into place. Colin liking the idea of me. How quickly he moved to introduce me to Leo and to Celine. How he’d get frustrated when Leo and I would talk. How he’d tried to change things about me.
Nausea swirled in my stomach.
“So, was our whole relationship some sick game to you?”
My voice was eerily calm, and I thought it surprised Colin, too, because he stammered, “N-no, it wasn’t. It might’ve started out as something to get back at Leo, but I never meant to hurt you. I cared about you, Eliza. I really did. Our year together—”
“You cared about me?” I asked with a dry laugh.
“You don’t lie to and deceive someone you care about.
” While I believed Colin cared about me in his own messed-up way, it didn’t matter.
Our good moments and the friendship we’d built were tainted by the truth of how our relationship started.
“You just wanted to hurt Leo.” I stood from the couch and paced around my apartment.
“And what were you getting back at him for that you had to use me to do it? All Leo has done is put you first. Make sure that you’re happy and getting what you want, and that’s what you do to him? ”
While I hated the idea of being used like a chess piece in this weird, one-sided feud, what I hated more was how Colin had treated Leo.
“Do you realize how fast he had to grow up after your parents got divorced?” I continued.
“How because he protected you that’s the reason you can have a good relationship with both of your parents?
He has been selfless his whole life, and this is how you treat him?
How you treat me? Colin, I thought we were friends. I thought you cared about me.”
“I do, Eliza. I’m so—”
My head reared back like I’d been slapped. “How…how could you do something so…” I searched to find the right word. There were so many to choose from: selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive. “Cruel,” I finished, hating the way my voice broke.
“Eliza, I—I didn’t mean to,” Colin said quickly. “It was just—”
“But you did mean to. You kept up this charade for a year. A fucking year, Colin. You paraded me around like some trophy. That’s fucked up. And we saw each other last year! How could you do that?”
“I know it’s messed up. I know. And I wanted to tell you last year, but I…I well, I didn’t think it would change anything. But then Leo moved back and you two are working together, and I couldn’t shake the guilt like I’d gotten in the middle of something that I shouldn’t have.”
I’d never felt so many different emotions at once: anger, sadness, frustration, irritation, confusion. I couldn’t believe I ever trusted him. I felt so stupid.
“Does Leo know?” I asked, wondering if Colin had told him yet, because I knew there was absolutely no way he’d known this whole time.
“I…yeah, I told him over the weekend.”
My mind was spinning as I tried to make sense of all this, and part of that was realizing that there was no making sense. But there was one piece that I kept coming back to.
“What do you mean Leo saw me first?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
“He was there with me that night. He’d visited me for my birthday.”
I closed my eyes, sinking into my couch. He’d been there. All this time, Leo had been right there.
“I’m really sorry, Eliza. Truly.”
It was only when I hung up the phone that I realized how out of breath I was, my chest heaving and throat dry. My face wet from the tears streaming down my face.
I teared up now and then, but I never cried. Not like this. I felt sick to my stomach, my head fuzzy.
And the worst part?
I couldn’t blame Colin for standing in the way of me and Leo being together—I did that all on my own.