Chapter 13 #2
That realization hits harder than lust ever could.
“You’re not a mistake,” I say quietly, more to myself than to her.
Her breath catches at my confession. Dropping my hand from the wall, I slide it behind the back of her neck.
My movements are slow enough that she could step away if she wanted to.
She doesn’t. If anything, she leans in, closing the distance we’ve been fighting so hard to maintain.
Our bodies are aligned, and hers fits against mine like it’s been there before. Like it knows the shape of me. I pause one last time, giving her the out I need to offer. “Tell me to stop,” I say, my lips hovering just shy of hers.
She doesn’t.
Instead, her hand slides up my chest, fingers curling at my collar, and her voice is steady when she answers, “Don’t stop.”
That’s all it takes.
The restraint I’ve been clinging to snaps clean in half. This time, it’s me kissing her. It isn’t hesitant. It’s deliberate. Claiming. My mouth moves over hers like I’ve memorized it already, like I’ve been rehearsing this in my head for weeks.
Because I have.
And when she kisses me back, she’s not shy, not unsure, but fully here with me. This isn’t one-sided. Neither one of us takes this moment lightly. It’s something we’re choosing.
Together.
The hand that’s still wrapped around her waist slides beneath her shirt.
My movements are slow as I savor the warmth of her skin beneath my fingertips.
I take my time, exploring her softness, giving her time to tell me to stop or push me away, but my Mandy, she does the opposite.
Her grip on my shirt grows tighter, and she tugs me closer.
Still, I don’t venture to explore more of her soft skin, not wanting to push her too far.
“More,” she breathes against my lips, and my body tightens with how badly I need her, but still, I don’t make a move. I’m content to stand here and kiss her.
I’ve never been one for attachments, not since my divorce. I had my shot, but it didn’t work out. I threw all of myself into my job. That singular focus kept my life orderly and uncomplicated.
This should feel complicated, but it doesn’t. It just feels right, like this is where I was always meant to be. It’s scary, overwhelming, and confusing in the best of ways, yet none of that is reason enough to step away from her.
She runs her hands up my chest and locks them behind my neck.
She rises on her tiptoes, and on instinct, I’m reaching for the back of her thighs, lifting her.
Her back presses against the wall as she wraps her arms and legs around me.
My hard length is nestled between her thighs, and she moans as she rocks against me.
The control I’ve been clinging to shifts from resistance to acceptance. She’s here in my arms, she’s not pushing me away, and I don’t have the power to stop us either. Her fingers slide into my hair, and she presses her lips to mine.
Without question, I open for her, letting her set the pace. Her ass cheeks are gripped in my palms, her pussy is grinding on my cock, and even through the layers of clothing between us, I can feel her heat.
Her lips pressed to mine affect me unlike anything else ever has. Everything I’ve been holding back explodes at once. The desire, the fear, the longing, and most of all the need I have for her. It’s all overwhelming in the best way.
She’s everything.
Every breath we share is ragged. Every heartbeat feels like a powerful kick inside my chest. I allow myself to get lost in her. The concept of time disappears. There’s nothing but the two of us and this shared passion we’ve found ourselves indulging in.
This kiss isn’t gentle, but it’s not rough and careless either. Every brush of our lips, every stroke of our tongues, is deliberate. We’re learning each other with every moment that passes.
When I finally pull back, coming up for air, she presses her forehead against mine. We’re both struggling to catch our breath. Slowly, I open my eyes in time to watch her lift her head, and her eyes flutter open.
“This changes things,” I finally say, my voice raspy with my desire for her.
“She’s going to hate me.”
I shake my head. “No, she won’t.” She might hate me, though, and I don’t want to lose my daughter, not when I just got her back, but there’s a selfish side of me that doesn’t want to lose Amanda either.
I’ve never felt this way before. Never been consumed with this overwhelming need for a woman to the point that nothing else matters.
“We’ll figure it out,” I tell her, because that’s the best I’ve got.
“I should go.”
“Stay. Just a little longer.”
She hesitates before she nods. I kiss her lips softly before lowering her to the floor, taking her hand in mine, and leading her back downstairs. Guiding her to the couch, I make sure to turn on the receiver to the baby monitor, then take a seat next to her, pulling her onto my lap.
“I just want to hold you.” Her body relaxes into mine, and that’s how we spend the next hour. I hold her, stealing kisses like a teenager with his first crush.
“As bad as I hate to say this, it’s getting late. I know I won’t be able to convince you to stay, and I don’t want the two of you out on the roads this late, let alone later.”
“We’ll be fine,” she assures me. She bites down on her bottom lip, and I free it with my thumb.
“Whatever it is, you can say it.”
“I don’t want to tell her.”
I don’t need to ask who her is. I know she’s talking about Bellamy. “This is complicated, but I don’t want to hide you. I want you. I want more nights like tonight.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I can’t lose her, and I know how hard you worked to have Bellamy back in your life.”
My heart sinks, but I know she’s right. This is more than a risky play. This is risking my relationship with my daughter and a lifetime of friendship. There’s too much at stake. That doesn’t make the longing fade, but it makes the choice clear.
I take a deep breath, forcing a smile I don’t feel. “You’re right,” I say quietly. “We can’t… We shouldn’t.”
The tension between us hangs for a moment longer, thick and unspoken. Then, slowly, I bring her lips to mine, kissing her slowly, hoping this kiss says what my words can’t. That I hate this, that I still want her, and that I probably always will.
These past couple of months, she’s become something more, something I’m too afraid to name. And fuck me, this hurts, knowing that I have to let her go. The warmth of her in my arms, the pull of desire sparking between us, it’s all still there, but it belongs to another life. One we can’t have.
Sometimes life isn’t about getting what you want. It’s about knowing what you have to let go. And tonight, letting go is the only thing that makes sense.
Pulling out of the kiss, she slides off my lap and offers me her hand.
Together, we make our way back upstairs, and I pick up a peacefully sleeping Mia and carry her down to the car.
Once they’re both buckled in, I lean my head in through the window.
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe. ”
“Okay,” she says, sadness in her voice.
My heart is shattering, and everything inside me says this isn’t what we need, but I know that’s the desire talking. No matter how badly I want her, this is the right choice. “I want you to know, this isn’t what I want.”
She nods, a single tear flowing down her cheek, and she quickly swipes it away before I can. “I know, but it’s what’s right.”
I nod, even though my heart tells me it’s a lie.
“Be safe, Mandy.” I lean in and kiss her one more time before standing and nodding for her to go.
She slowly backs out of the garage, and I walk outside, following her taillights until I can no longer see them.
Forcing myself to go back into the house, the one that feels even more empty than before they arrived, I pace until her message telling me she made it home safely comes through.
Only then do I retreat to my room, where sleep never comes.