Chapter 18
Eighteen
Amanda
I’ve been an emotional mess today. Not the kind where I’m sitting down and bawling my eyes out, but the sappy kind because today, my baby girl turns one.
I can’t believe it’s already been a year since she came into my life. A whole year of firsts, late nights, sleepy cuddles, tiny giggles, and learning what it really means to love someone with your whole heart.
A year ago, my life looked very different from what it does today.
I walked away from a marriage that wasn’t built on honesty or respect, and I stepped into the unknown on my own.
It was scary, painful, and overwhelming at times.
But somewhere in the middle of all of that, the greatest blessing found its way to me.
Mia.
My daughter didn’t grow under my heart, but she was absolutely meant to be there. The day she came into my life, everything shifted. The hurt, the fear, the uncertainty, it all started to make sense because it led me to her.
The past year hasn’t always been easy, doing it on my own, but it has been the most beautiful, life-changing year I’ve ever known. She gave me a reason to rebuild, to heal, to laugh again, and to believe that something good can come from the hardest chapters.
I learned that it really does take a village, and that it’s okay to ask for help when I need it—or just need a moment to breathe on my own. That took some time, because the guilt of not being everything all at once was suffocating. But I have a great group of friends who helped me see it’s okay.
Watching Mia grow this past year has been the greatest gift. Her smile, her curiosity, her little personality that gets bigger every day, she reminds me constantly that love creates family, not biology.
So, yeah, I’m a little emotional today. Because one year ago, my life was forever changed by a little girl who made me a mom. My daughter saved me in ways she’ll never understand. She was my light in a moment of darkness.
“You okay over there?” Bellamy asks, tapping her hip into mine. “You were somewhere deep in your head.”
“I am.” I smile, a real one, not forced or fake. “I was just thinking about the last year. I can’t believe she’s one already.”
“Time flies,” she says. “They really do grow up too fast.”
“They do. She’s made this last year bearable. I can’t imagine not having that little girl in my life.”
“You’ve been happier,” she says. “You smile more, and you don’t seem as stressed.”
I shrug. “Life is finally balancing out,” I tell her, even though the heaviness of the guilt I carry weighs on my shoulders.
I should tell her. We should tell her. Will wants to, but he’s holding off for me.
I know it’s wrong, but I’m so scared that I’ll lose both of them.
Mia and I need them, all of them, and I don’t know how we’re going to navigate that.
I just need a little more time.
Besides, what if Will changes his mind? Do I think he’s going to? No, I really don’t, and that’s scary, too, because then I have to admit, even just to myself, that I’ve fallen in love with him, and my heart tells me that he loves us, too.
Bellamy wraps her arm around my waist. “I’m glad. You deserve the best,” she says.
I swallow back the lump in my throat. “Thank you. And you and Reid are amazing for letting me have her party here. My place definitely isn’t big enough to house everyone.”
Bellamy waves her hand in the air. “We’re happy to help. That’s what family does. Besides, my niece needed a pool party for her first birthday and not one with a bunch of strangers walking around.” She winks.
“I love you,” I tell her. I do. Bellamy has been my best friend since we were kids, and the thought of losing her causes my chest to ache. But the thought of losing him hurts just as badly.
“I hear this is where the party’s at?”
I don’t have to turn my head to know that it’s him.
I didn’t invite him, even though I wanted to.
We talked last night, and he agreed that it might not be the best idea.
Yet here he is. I turn and smile, acting as if my entire body doesn’t light up at the sound of his voice, to see his smiling face.
“It’s a rager,” I say, chuckling.
“I hope it’s all right that I’m here. Bellamy called this morning and said if I wasn’t busy, I should stop by,” Will says, his tone light.
“I was trying to keep him from working too much. You know the season’s about to start,” Bellamy defends.
She walks around the island and gives her dad a side hug.
She peers up at him. “You know, now that I think about it, you haven’t seemed as stressed or as focused on work as you usually are,” she tells him.
I avert my gaze to the vegetable tray I’m organizing. It’s finished. I’m just pretending that it needs some final touches. I’m sure my face is giving me away, so I keep my head down and act busy. These vegetables need my undivided attention.
“I’ve learned my lesson,” he tells her.
I look up in time to see him kiss her temple, and the entire time, his eyes are on me. I wave awkwardly, then avert my gaze once more while Bellamy’s not looking.
“You don’t mind, do you, Manda? And look, he brought a gift.” Bellamy chuckles.
Time to face him and do the best damn acting I’ve ever done in my life. Slowly, I lift my head and meet his gaze. “I don’t mind at all. The more the merrier, and thank you. You didn’t have to bring a gift.”
“Mia’s my little buddy,” he says. “Speaking of, where is the birthday girl?”
“Foster stole her. He and Knox have her and Alexander in the pool.”
Will nods. “I’ll go say hi. Where should I put this?” he asks me.
“Oh, we have a gift table in the living room,” Bellamy tells him as Coral races up to the patio door and slams her hands against it.
“Mommy, I pooped!” she says loudly, making us laugh.
“Well, that’s a win for potty training, and I could kiss the inventor of swim diapers.
Although it doesn’t look like she’s been in the pool yet.
” Bellamy moves to the door, slides it open, and scoops her daughter up into her arms. “Great job, sweetheart. Let’s get you changed.
” She smiles at her dad and me before carrying Coral upstairs.
Will, with his pink princess gift bag in hand, moves to stand beside me. He bends down and kisses the corner of my mouth. “Hey.” He smiles.
“We can’t,” I tell him.
He nods. “I know, but I wanted so badly to kiss you as soon as I walked in. You look beautiful, Momma.”
His words have my knees turning to jelly. “Thank you. I didn’t know you were coming. I thought we were getting together after.”
“Well, Bellamy invited me, so here I am. Is that okay?”
I stop messing with the baby carrots, which don’t need my attention in the first place, and peer up at him. “Of course, it’s okay. I wanted you here, and I know Mia will be happy to see you.”
“I know, and I wanted to be here, but it’s better that the invitation came from Bellamy. Unless you’re ready?” He doesn’t elaborate, and he doesn’t need to. We both know that he’s asking me if I’m ready to tell everyone we’re together.
I can hear the hope in his voice.
“Not yet.”
His shoulders fall, just slightly, and I hate myself for it, but I can’t get past this fear. I want him, but I can’t lose my best friend. I don’t see a world where I can have both, and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with that.
He nods. “Okay, baby.” He bends and kisses me once more, which is so damn risky. Then he turns and walks away. When I see him again, he’s got his sunglasses pulled down over his eyes, and he’s no longer holding his gift. “Can I do anything to help?”
“I think we’re all set. Thank you for offering.”
He nods and steps outside.
Five minutes later, Bellamy comes back downstairs with Coral in her arms. “Reid texted me that the food’s ready. I say we eat inside to let everyone get cooled off.”
“Are you sure? I’ll help clean every inch of the house,” I promise her.
She waves me off. “I’m sure. Besides, Eden needs to be out of this hot sun as much as the kids do. I’ll go round them up.”
“Coral, come to Aunt Manda.” I hold my arms out for her, and she comes willingly. I plop her on my lap as she reaches for a carrot, and I help her by handing her one.
Everyone starts filing into the room to eat, and when I look up, Will is carrying Mia.
My heart stutters because he’s so good to her, and my daughter loves him.
He comes to stand next to me, and Coral leans over and reaches for him.
With what looks like practiced ease, he takes Coral and places her on his other hip.
“Come here, birthday girl.” I reach for Mia, but she turns her head, and Will laughs.
“She’s fine, Momma. Do what you need to do. We’re going to go settle in for some food.” He smiles at me. In that smile, there is so much unspoken.
Let me help you.
I’ve got her.
I want to do this for both of you.
I don’t argue with him because I don’t want to draw more attention to the fact that, yet again, this man is taking care of my daughter.
Mia just knows that Will is safe, and she gravitates to him and the affection he gives her.
I’m worried she’s getting too close, and when the truth comes out, if we lose him, if we lose all these people who are in our lives, my little girl’s heart will be broken.
Hers won’t be the only heart shattering, but it’s my job to protect her.
Everyone eats, and there’s so much laughter and love in this room, and they’re all here to celebrate Mia.
My heart is full, and my daughter, well, she’s losing steam.
“Okay, I think we need to get to the cake and a few presents.” I glance into the living room at the table full of gifts.
“You all spoiled her. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for us.
” I take my time to meet each of their gazes, quickly passing by Will, because the temptation to be in his arms for this moment is too much.