Chapter 9
He baked for you?
Annie
I’m pulled out of my peaceful slumber with Ben’s quiet, deep voice calling my name. I squint against the glow of the lamp on his nightstand to find him clear as day and hot as ever. He’s freshly showered, wearing all black, and he’s sitting on the edge of his bed.
Without telling them to do so, my lids flutter closed at the onslaught of the realization that I’m in his bed, and as usual, I’ve kicked the covers off.
His hand slides up my bare thigh to my hip, where I feel a gentle shake and hear my name again. I blink away the sleep and, in rapt fascination, watch as he takes me in.
His gaze leisurely moves up my freshly shaved legs (thank God), over the skin my cami doesn’t cover at my midriff, and slowly glides across my chest. My nipples tingle and tighten as if I were in a freezer, yet I feel like I’m cocooned in a heated blanket turned to the highest setting.
Those mesmerizing hazel eyes of his finally still when he reaches my face, and a small, teasing smirk tugs at his lips. He knows I caught him staring, but he doesn’t care. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I nibble the inside of my cheek and attempt to contain my bliss.
He leans in and rests the weight of his upper body against me. “Sorry to wake you, but I’m about to get going.”
“Oh. Okay.” I push up on my elbows, getting even closer. “What time is it?”
“Almost five.”
“You’re leaving already?”
“Yeah.”
I pull my chin to my chest when I feel a yawn start. “Aren’t you tired?”
“I’m fine.”
“But you didn’t even sleep last night, and it’s still so early.”
“I’m good, babe. Promise.”
There it is again. Babe. I love that. “Okay.”
“There’s been a slight change of plans, though. Drew can’t come anymore because Mazie woke up an hour ago with a fever.”
“All right. I’ll be fine alone.” I knew he had a security system, and I felt completely safe when he was at the Agency yesterday. I didn’t need a babysitter, I told him that already, but of course he wouldn’t hear it.
“My parents are coming instead.”
My eyes get big, and I shake my head. “Ben, no. Your dad?”
“It was his idea.”
“He hates me.” And I don’t blame him. His son got shot because of me.
“He doesn’t, but even if he did, would I leave you with someone I thought would make you uncomfortable?”
I know he wouldn’t, but that’s not the point.
I’m not ready to see him again. The last time I did was when Ben was lying on a hospital bed.
I’m not prepared to give a proper apology, and I’m not ready to face Ben’s mother.
“They really don’t have to stay with me.
I feel bad enough that you and your coworkers are doing all of this for me.
Your parents don’t need to get dragged into my mess, too. ”
“They volunteered, sweetheart. I wish I had the time to convince you more, but all I can ask is that you trust me.”
“I do. I just don’t want to be the cause of more fighting, Ben.”
He shakes his head. “You never were in the first place.”
“Okay,” I concede.
“I promise you’ll be good.”
“I know.”
“Go back to sleep.” He gets up and takes a step toward the door, but then he stops.
He looks over his shoulder, pivots, and reaches for me.
Leaning down, he takes my face in his hands, and the tips of his damp hair graze my cheek.
I want to inhale that clean, fresh smell of the ocean, but my breath stalls as his mouth brushes my temple.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” His lips slide up, linger for two point seven seconds, and then he kisses my forehead.
My eyes flutter closed, and by the time I have the strength to open them, he’s gone.
Even though I haven’t slept a wink since Ben left, I’m still in his bed, and I never want to leave it.
I heard him take off right after his parents got here, but I haven’t shown my face yet because I’m a coward.
For the past three hours, they’ve been quiet, but now the smell of bacon fills the air, and I know I can’t hide anymore.
I dig through my suitcase and pull on a casual outfit of a tight black cami and calf-length black leggings, then cover my feet and swollen ankle with chunky white socks.
I pull on my favorite sweatshirt. It’s one that Ben left behind—heather gray with a faded blue outline of a football.
I make up the bed and tear off yesterday’s word and read today’s.
Opportune: suitable or convenient for a particular occurrence.
If I thought insouciance was fitting, opportune is destiny.
It’s been one day, and I feel happier than I have in years.
Despite someone stalking me, I haven’t been this content in a long while, and it’s all because of Ben.
I really hope that him welcoming me back into his life means that we’ll remain friends after this is over.
And if that’s the case, I need to make amends with his family… if they’ll allow it.
“Wish me luck,” I say to Joan Wick.
Meow.
Inhale, exhale, and go. I gently walk the few steps to the mouth of the hallway and stop dead, because I almost forgot how much Ben looks like his dad. I met him a couple of times back then, but he hasn’t changed a bit.
He’s sitting on the recliner and looks up with a welcoming smile. “Morning, Annie.”
“Hi, Sterling. Uh, good morning.”
“Oh, what a beautiful baby. Yes, you are. You are the prettiest cat I’ve ever seen,” Vera coos from the kitchen as she scratches Joan Wick’s head. She, too, smiles at me. “Morning, Annie. I hope you like bacon and eggs.”
My mouth goes dry and nerves make my stomach lurch, but I can’t tell her that. “Morning. I do, thank you. And it’s nice to meet you.”
“Same, dear.” She gets to her feet and brushes her hands off on her navy-blue slacks.
“Have you heard anything from Ben?”
She looks at Sterling for an answer, so I do as well. “He’ll be back soon.”
He’s being cryptic, but I’m still worried, so I push. “Soon as in a couple of hours or a dozen?”
“Somewhere in between.” He grins. “But they haven’t had any…issues so far.”
Well, that’s a relief. Speaking of…I need the bathroom. “Excuse me.” I turn too fast and wince, then reach out to the wall for help.
Before I can take another step, Sterling has his arm around my waist. “Go slow.”
“Thank you.” It’s only about ten feet, but I welcome his support and his muscular strength, a notable trait in the Lawless gene pool. Being closer, I can see the salt and pepper in his hair and the wrinkles around his hazel eyes, barely giving away his age.
“Holler if you need anything.” He waits for me to clear the doorway before closing me in so I can do what I need.
I take care of business, wash my hands, and splash cold water on my face. I pull open the drawer under the sink, assuming that’s where my brush is. When I don’t find it, I go for the small built-in cabinet above the light switch. It’s not there, but something else is.
Pills. Lots of pills. Bottles of pills, some over the counter, most with Ben’s name printed on the label. Muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, opioids…depression and anxiety medications.
I shouldn’t have snooped. That wasn’t for me to discover. I slam the little wood door shut and try like hell to tell myself I didn’t see it at all.
I tug at the mirror, and when it pops open, I finally find my brush. I also find a pink toothbrush and an array of beauty products, none of which are mine.
Painful yearning hits me like a shock. Guilt plagues me.
Remorse consumes me. Regret overpowers me, tightening around my throat and stabbing at my heart.
I wrap my fingers around the ledge of the counter and drop my head.
I practice breathing—slow, long, even, but it makes it worse.
Shit. This panic attack is going to be strong, and it’s coming on too fast.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I will my brain to remember something else, anything else.
The fact that Ben has a cabinet of another woman’s stuff in his bathroom shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
That’s just the nail in the coffin, though.
What’s pulling me under and sucking the life out of me is discovering that Ben has to take an entire pharmacy—because of me.
The pain I caused him wasn’t just physical. I knew what happened messed with his head, but I never thought that it was so bad that it’s still affecting him to this day. I showed up and didn’t even consider that. How selfish. God, I’m the worst.
The back of my eyes burns, and my bottom lip quivers. A bevy of tears blurs my vision, and in the blink of an eye, the dam breaks. I don’t want his parents to hear me fall apart, so I stifle the sob that’s lodged in my throat and grab a towel to muffle the sound.
A soft knock comes, and Vera asks, “Is everything okay?”
I suck in uneven breaths enough to squeak out a couple of words. “Yeah, fine.” Then I press my lips together, holding my breath, forcing the agony to stay where it’s been uncomfortably living for over a quarter of my life.
“Okay, good. I hope you don’t mind, but I saw your travel bag on the counter, and I noticed your toothbrush was thrown in with your other things.
My dental hygienist’s heart couldn’t bear the thought of all that bacteria just having a party on the bristles, so I ran to the store this morning to get you a new toothbrush because Bennett didn’t have an extra.
Can you believe that? Who doesn’t have at least one spare toothbrush lying around?
My son, apparently.” She adds with a huff.
“He’s a single man, Vera, he doesn’t need more than one toothbrush,” Sterling’s voice booms from the living room.
“What would he do if he dropped his in the toilet?” she asks in a panic.
“How on God’s green earth would that happen?”
“Well, I don’t know, but it’s possible. We’re talking about the same child who got his belt loop stuck on the pantry door because he climbed it to steal chocolate chips.”
“He was seven,” Sterling shouts.
Vera harrumphs. “Just last year, he turned on our disposal with my mother’s sterling silver spoon in it!” Her voice gets scratchy at the end, and I snort-laugh.
I hear heavy footsteps, and then Sterling’s voice is right outside the door, too. “If poor Annie didn’t already have a headache, I’m sure we just gave her one with all this shouting.”
“Oh no! Ben sure won’t be happy with us if we did. He gave us explicit instructions to take good care of you. Did we give you a headache, sweetheart?”
Even though I’m on the verge of a breakdown from the guilt and the shame. From the reminder of Ben calling me that. The soft tone of a concerned mother I never had. The ridiculous banter between loving parents. The kindness of people who should hate me.
For the first time in a really long time, I don’t feel totally and completely alone.
“You didn’t give me a headache.”
“Wonderful. Oh, and feel free to use any of the other items in the cabinet. I got them while I was at the store for you, just in case you’d need them.”
“Thank you. I’ll be right out.” Miraculously, I don’t sound like I’ve been crying.
“Take your time, dear. I’ll get a plate warmed up for you.”
She’s so nice. Too nice to me. I think the shock of her kindness chased the panic away, and I take advantage, even though I’m not deserving.
I open the new toothbrush, apply minimal makeup, and spritz on one pump of my fruity body spray. The walk to the kitchen is quick, and my ankle feels less stiff.
Sterling stands by a window, staring out, and he looks upset, probably because Ben has to deal with another one of my problems. Vera has a plate on the table and is sitting in an empty chair with a cup of coffee. “What can I get you to drink?”
“I can get it, thank you, though.” I take the empty glass from my place setting and fill it with water, then join her. Nerves barely there, my stomach only feels hungry now, so I take a big bite of scrambled eggs. “These are great.”
“I’m glad you like them. They’re Bennett’s favorite.”
“I know.” I stab more onto my fork. “He made them all the time. He must have gotten his skills in the kitchen from you because he’s a great cook. Good baker, too.”
Her head rears back, and her long brownish-gray hair sways. “He baked for you?”
“Well, just double-chunk chocolate chip cookies, but they’re so good. He actually made them last night. They’re in a container on the counter. You should try one.”
“Really?”
I nod as I chew. “Yeah.”
“You must be pretty special if you got that boy to bake for you.”
“I’m not.” I drop my fork, and it clanks loudly against my plate. “Sorry, I just…why are you guys being so nice to me?”
She genuinely looks confused. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
“I’ve been trying to think how to broach it so I can apologize. My dad shooting Ben because of me, when I…” I can’t bring myself to say it out loud.
“You’re to hold no blame for that.” Sterling turns toward me, his gaze steady. “If anyone does, it’s me. I assumed Ben would get word that I gave your father the address to the safe house so he could surprise you for your birthday.”
“But my dad—”
“He reacted as any decent father would if he walked into a situation where he thought his daughter was being assaulted. I reacted as any decent father would if someone he’s known for decades thought his son was capable of assaulting his daughter.
” He sighs. “So again, there is no ill will or anger toward you because you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? ”
“Yes, sir.”
“My name is Sterling. And I should have said it earlier, but I’m truly sorry to hear about your father’s passing. We may have had our differences at the end, but his loss is a great one.” He turns his attention back to whatever is on the other side of the glass.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “That means a lot.”
Vera hums quietly. “I thought I understood why Ben has been so lost lately.”
“What do you mean?”
A happy light dances in her eyes. “I thought he just missed the job, but I’m realizing I was wrong…what he really missed was you.”