32. Ivy Thompson
IVY THOMPSON
J J’s voice has been on repeat in my head for the last two days.
Maybe you need to take control of your own choices, Ivy, rather than letting others dictate what you can and can’t do.
Deep down, I know he’s right. I can’t keep living my life by Finn’s rulebook, but we both know he’s not going to be happy. Hell, after Ben, if he caught me with one of his friends again, he’d start throwing fists. Even if he trusts JJ.
Once upon a time, he trusted Ben, too.
I know Finn didn’t handle the accident well, especially after the rumours went around about me cheating on him. He thought it was his fault because I met Ben through Finn. But when I think about being with JJ, technically, I met him before I even knew they were friends.
JJ is different. There is something about him that feels like home—and I haven’t felt at home in a long fucking time. It’s nostalgic and comforting, but I don’t see Finn trying to understand that.
I fear it’ll send him spiralling. He already took up drinking when I almost died, when he couldn’t shift the blame from himself. He’s still drinking now and refuses to accept that it’s an issue. How would he cope if he knew I was with his best friend?
It wouldn’t go down well at all. If anything, it’ll tear us all apart.
That’s what I’m afraid of the most.
I sit outside on the patio, sun cream smeared all over my face and arms as I scroll through my phone. A shadow is cast over my back, and I turn to find the culprit. “Hey,” Finn says as he sits beside me. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I sigh as I lock my phone and throw it onto the grass in front of us. “Why?”
Finn wraps his arms loosely around his knees, drawing them towards his chest. “Look, Ivy, I need to tell you something.”
My brows furrow, and I twist my body towards him, his green eyes flicking across the patio and onto the dark strands of grass.
“What is it?”
I know this look of my brother’s all too well. Whatever he’s about to say, it’s not good news. It’s never good news when he looks pained and lost for words. The man who never knows how to shut up, that’s when you know it’s bad.
“Spit it out,” I urge him.
My heart pounds angrily in my chest when his mouth parts, and I lean forward eagerly. He shuts his mouth again and then clears his throat. I brace myself for what he’s about to say.
“I found out that Ben is getting out of prison in two weeks.”
All the air in my lungs is stripped away, and Finn dips his head slightly to check that I’m okay.
“W-what?” I blubber.
“Yeah,” he sighs and runs a hand down the back of his head. “I heard about it this morning, checked around to see if it’s true. He’s being let out on good behaviour.”
My entire body begins to shudder, and Finn scoots closer. “He’s getting out.”
Finn slings an arm over my shoulder and tugs me to his side.
“I’m sorry, Iv. But you still have that restraining order, he can’t come anywhere near you.
I doubt he’ll come back here after what happened.
So many people turned against him and his stupid family, who continued to support him. I just thought that you should know.”
“Right,” I rasp even though I’m deteriorating inside. “Thanks.”
He sighs, dropping his head to my shoulder. “I know this isn’t the news you want to hear, but I’m going to be here for you, alright? I’m going to be the brother I should have been.”
I pause at his words for a moment, and he raises his head. “What do you mean the brother you should have been?”
Finn shrugs but keeps his arm around me supportively. He tenses a little but relaxes a moment later. “I was a shit brother back then. I-I did things I’m not proud of.”
“Like what?”
He shakes his head. “I—” he pauses. “I should never have let you get with Ben.”
“He was good to me for the first part, and you know it, even you were shocked at how charming he could be.”
“Shit,” Finn curses and presses his hand to his face. “That’s not the point. I still wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t there for you when he hurt you. I wasn’t there for you when you almost died, Ivy. I should never have?—”
“Have what?”
Finn looks at me this time, and the guilt that rests behind his eyes is evident. “I shouldn’t have let you guys get together. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
My heart cracks like a porcelain doll. I know Finn was upset about what happened, but I’ve never seen him… break down. I clutch onto his shoulder this time as he squeezes his eyes shut, a tear escaping one of them.
“Finn.” My voice is quiet, afraid it’ll crack if I say any more.
“I was a shit brother,” he sniffles. “When you were in the hospital, I went back to uni and drank myself half to death most nights. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me because I couldn’t live with the guilt and the sickness I felt almost every night.
I couldn’t shake what happened, I still can’t. ”
My throat burns from how hard I’m trying not to cry. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was,” he murmurs. “It was.”
When my mouth parts, I begin to tremble. “It wasn’t. I’ve never blamed you.”
Finn turns towards me with red eyes and watery lids. His lips part as if he’s about to say something, but shut a second later. I study him carefully, his shoulders are shaking, and his face is scrunched up.
“I failed you, as a brother, I failed you.”
“You had no idea what he was capable of, Finn.”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand, and I rest my head against his shoulder. “If he comes anywhere near you or us, I’ll kill him.”
“I know,” I whisper. “But you shouldn’t. He’s not worth going to prison for.”
“He is if he tries to hurt you again.”
We glance at each other, and Finn bundles me into his arms this time. I can’t remember the last time I hugged my brother like this, but it makes my heart settle, both needing this moment to calm down. “If I could erase him from our memories, I would.”
“Me too,” I agree. “But I want to be happy. That is the only thing I want.”
“I want that for you, too, Ivy,” he says, clutching me tighter. “So much.”
“Everything okay out here?” JJ’s voice from the back door startles us.
I glance up at him, and he flicks his concerned eyes between the pair of us with blotchy cheeks.
“Yeah,” I croak and rid myself of any rogue tears. “All good.”
JJ flashes us an apprehensive look but doesn’t press. It’s probably for the best, I know Finn struggles to open up about what happened. But I want to move on because otherwise, I don’t think I’ll ever heal.
The sound of the front door being ripped off its hinges echoes through the house. I whip my head over my shoulder to find Finn barely standing in the doorway. As soon as I’m on my feet, I walk towards him, and the strong odour of alcohol wafts through the room.
It makes my stomach churn. It’s a Monday afternoon. Jesus.
“Are you okay?” I call out to him as he hangs off the door and slams it loudly behind him.
His eyes are so bloodshot that I can barely see the white. I grab him, but he waves me off, stumbling into the wall and latching onto the curtains. “I-I have to get ready for work,” he slurs.
“Work? Finn, you can barely stand up.”
I watch him cautiously as he attempts to walk towards the kitchen, and I follow him slowly. My arms wrap around myself as he latches onto the counter. “I’m going,” he spits, his eyes unable to focus on a single thing. “I have to or they’ll fire me.”
“How much did you have to drink?”
He turns to me with a sneering scoff. “That’s none of your business, Mum .”
The tone of his voice cuts through my chest.
I walk towards him and grab his wrist gently, trying to get him to look at me, but he refuses. “You can’t go to work like this, Finn. You need to go to bed and sleep it off.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” he yells, which makes me flinch.
“What’s going on?”
I didn’t even hear JJ’s footsteps as he joins us in the kitchen, but I’m relieved he’s here to help me with Finn. I don’t know if I can handle him on my own.
“I’m g-going to work,” Finn mumbles as he jerks his wrist away from me and then points at JJ.
My head twists, and I see JJ stare him down with a cold expression. “Don’t be stupid,” he says loudly. “Turning up at work intoxicated sounds like such a good idea, doesn’t it? You’ll be fired, and then you’ll have no money to fund anything.”
Finn’s eyes light up with fire. “You sound just like her.”
“We’re trying to look out for you,” JJ states, his shoulders turning rigid.
“What’s going on? Why are you drunk right now?” I ask.
Finn twists to the counter, gripping it with two hands, turning his knuckles deathly white as he groans. JJ looks at me immediately, but I don’t take my eyes off my brother. “I want to forget,” he continues. “I want to forget everything because if I see him?—”
Ben.
My entire body trembles at the pain behind his eyes.
JJ walks past me as he stands in front of Finn. “You’re going to bed, and you’re going to say that you’re sick. You are in no fit state to go to work. I don’t care what you say, sleep it off because this isn’t the Finn I know.”
Finn stares at JJ, and something flashes past his eyes. Almost as if he knows not to argue with him right now. His shoulders slump, submitting to his orders, and JJ takes hold of his arm and begins to climb the stairs.
My hand covers my face as I take a shallow breath.
This can’t continue. His drinking is out of control.
JJ returns five minutes later.
“You okay?”
I sigh with heavy eyes. “We need to do something.”
“Agreed, are you going to tell your parents?”
“Yes, when they get home. They deserve to know,” I say simply.
“Are you okay?” he asks again.
My chest clenches as I struggle to inhale. “I-I don’t know.”
JJ’s lips slip into a frown, and without another word, he steps forward and wraps his arms around me. I didn’t realise how badly I needed a hug until this moment. My eyes close as I press myself into his chest and inhale his comforting scent.
I release a jagged breath and clutch onto his T-shirt.
He cradles the back of my neck with one hand and kisses my forehead tenderly. I open my eyes to find them wet, but I don’t let any tears fall. “I’m here with you,” he whispers into my hairline. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
And I believe him.