36. Ivy Thompson
IVY THOMPSON
I ’ve been sitting on the edge of my bed for the last twenty minutes.
My eyes are glued to the window, watching the white clouds sweep across the sky. No chance of sunshine today. I sigh and grab my phone and ring Daisy.
She answers on the third ring. “Hey, you okay?”
A hum mumbles off my lips. “Hey,” I say as I flop back onto my bed. “I’m alright. I need to talk to you.”
“I’m all ears.” The sound of shuffling echoes in the receiver. “What’s up?”
“I want JJ.”
Daisy laughs quietly. “Yeah, I think we all know that.”
“But—”
“Oh god, there is a but.”
“Shhh,” I say over her, and she chuckles again. “This is serious.”
Daisy pauses for a moment. “Okay, go on. I’m listening.”
I inhale a deep breath and stare up at my ceiling, twirling a piece of hair around my finger.
“I know things will get complicated with Finn if I start something with JJ,” I start.
“He thinks it’s because of Finn, but it’s also because he doesn’t know what happened with Ben.
I want to tell him, but I haven’t found the courage to yet. ”
“Are you worried JJ could be like Ben?”
I pause for a moment before shaking my head. “No.”
“Then what?”
“I’ve felt different since the crash, like this body and mind aren’t mine. I don’t know. It’s stupid.”
“Ivy, it is not stupid. You are beautiful inside and out.”
Her words don’t even comfort me because I can’t seem to believe them.
“I—” I trail off, my throat clenching. “I don’t feel like it.”
“Are you worried about being naked around him or something?”
My lips roll together. “I’m worried about being vulnerable in front of him.”
“Ivy.” She says my name with purpose. “I hate to break it to you, but JJ has already seen you naked. You’ve already allowed yourself to be completely vulnerable with him by sleeping with him.”
The thought has my stomach rolling. “That doesn’t count.
” I shake my head. “We were drunk. The alcohol gave me stupid amounts of confidence I’d never have had if I was sober.
There was a moment I hesitated, but then I forced myself not to care what he thought about my body, because I didn’t think we were going to see each other again.
We both wanted pleasure, and we got it.”
“Well, he saw you, Ivy,” her voice crackles through the line. “He saw your body and scars, and he still wants you. I wish you could see yourself how we see you. You need to pick up that confidence and show him who’s boss.”
An awkward laugh escapes my mouth. “Show him who’s boss… have you ever met me, Daisy? I don’t know how to be confident.”
“No…” she trails off. “But you can learn. You can learn to love that body of yours by making yourself feel sexy.”
“How?”
Daisy doesn’t talk for a few seconds until she eventually says, “Meet me in town in thirty minutes.”
“Wait—”
“No, nope . No excuses. Thirty minutes.”
Then the line goes dead.
I pull the phone away from my ear and stare blankly at the screen. My eyes shut, and I try to ignore my racing pulse. Knowing Daisy, she’s going to pull out all the stops for whatever she’s got planned.
A lingerie shop is Daisy’s idea of confidence boosting.
It’s safe to say that I’ve never purchased a sexy set for myself or anyone else.
Not even when I was with Ben. I didn’t want to see myself naked or in lacy undergarments, let alone flashing it off to someone else.
Sure, I’ve owned a thong, but I’ve never gone into a lingerie shop to pick anything up.
“Ooooh, this is cute!” Daisy exclaims as she tugs off a matching black bralette and thong. My brows furrow as I step closer and examine it. “It’s super hot.”
My fingers run down the fabric of the bottoms, and then I gawk at what I find. “Daisy, there is a hole in the middle of the pants.”
She chuckles gently. “Yeah, they’re crotchless. So you don’t have to take them off.” She winks.
Boy, I’ve been living under a rock my entire life.
“Maybe not black,” I say, dropping the fabric from my fingers.
Her blue eyes flick to me, and she smiles. “Well, at least you’re considering it.”
I shrug with a sigh, turning and glancing at the mannequins. “It might work,” I admit. “Or I might put it on and decide this is the stupidest idea.”
Daisy slings her arm over my shoulder. “You never know until you try. Personally, it’s liberating. Remember, this is for you. No one else. It’s okay to love ourselves, it’s okay to be perfectly imperfect because everyone is beautiful in different ways.”
I hum gently. I wish I had that mentality.
“So not the black set?” Daisy asks, trailing after me.
I gnaw on my lip. “I think black is too sexy, maybe something else.”
“Oh my god!” Daisy gasps as she beelines across the shop. She walks towards a teal lace set. It’s not as sexy as the black, but it’s still gorgeous. The detail is breathtaking with the mesh material and small thong. “This colour would look amazing on you.”
As I approach her side, I take the set off the hanger. “Yeah,” I agree. “I love this colour.”
Daisy beams beside me. “It’s perfect, it’s literally you all over. Not too sexy but still sexy enough to give you all the confidence and self-love you need.”
“Should I buy it?”
“Is water wet?”
My head turns to her slowly with raised eyebrows. “I’m being serious.”
“So am I.” She nods encouragingly. “You need to own this.”
I stare at the garments for another few moments and blow out a breath. “Alright. I’ll buy it.”
Daisy claps her hands together. “Yes,” she hisses through her teeth. “I’m so proud and pleased for you. You’re going to look incredible. I can’t wait for you to try it on.”
And for once I’m a weirdly excited too.
When I return home with my new purchase, no one is in.
Finn is at work, and my parents have gone out to dinner with their friends. JJ is nowhere to be seen, and I ignore the thought of him because I have other things on my mind right now.
I drop the fluorescent pink paper bag on my bed and remove the lingerie set. I take a few steps back and stare at it. The back of my neck begins to sweat.
I lean forward and pick up the set.The lace feels soft and delicate between my fingers. Don’t overthink it. Just put it on.
I strip away my clothes and slip into the sexy two-piece. My eyes hesitate to glance in the mirror, so I grab my pink silk robe and slip it over my arms to build myself up gently. I close my eyes and tell myself to breathe.
Three, two, one.
My body twists, and I face myself in the mirror, arms slack at my sides.
Blood rushes to my face as I take in my body. I startle. The tips of my fingers tingle as I rake my eyes over my appearance, taking in every little detail of my half-naked body.
The bralette cups my chest perfectly, enough to show off cleavage in a way I wasn’t sure was possible. My eyes float down to the way the straps of the thong cling to my hips, giving the illusion that I actually have some.
And considering I’ve always believed I’m short, my legs look… long.
When I drag my gaze back up, I’m quivering because, for the first time in forever, I didn’t focus on the scar across my chest. I barely even acknowledged it because it’s not important. It doesn’t define me. It never has.
My phone buzzes and I reach for it, opening the message from Daisy.
Daisy:
How’s it going?
Ivy:
Better than I thought.
Daisy:
Let me see!
I don’t even think twice as I open up the camera and pull back the silk robe gently, letting it fall from my shoulders as I pose in the mirror.
I take a quick snap and send it to Daisy.
The thought of sharing it with her would normally make me feel anxious, but right now, I don’t feel that way at all.
I’m proud of myself for even taking this step.
Daisy:
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You look incredible
Oh my god, you are a goddess
A laugh falls from my lips gently, and I bite down on my lip to suppress a smile.
Daisy:
Send it to him
My smile falls and my eyes bulge out of my skull.
Ivy:
What?
Daisy:
You said you want him, prove to him that you do. He will go feral, I promise you.
I know we said this was for yourself, but it can be for him too ;)
I snort to myself. There is no way.
Ivy:
I can’t
Daisy:
Excuses, excuses
I stare at her text for a moment and slump on my hip. What is this going to prove? He might hate it. Or he might not.
A breath escapes my nose as I draw up my last texts with JJ from the beach party a week or so ago. I click the attachment and press on the picture, watching it float into the message section. My thumb hovers over the send button.
No. I can’t do this. My body trembles. This was for me. Not anyone else.
Building confidence for myself. For my own self-love.
I shake my head and rest my finger over the exit button. My thumb presses down only for a blue line to stretch across the bottom of the screen and for the image to pop up in our messages.
My eyes widen so far that my face nearly splits in two.
No, no, no. NO, NO, NO.
“Shit,” I chant once pathetically. “Shit, shit, shit!”
My fingers fly over the screen, attempting to recall the message, but I have no idea how to—if it’s even possible. Nausea creeps up my throat, and I resist the urge to vomit everywhere.
I begin to pace, skin heating up as the word ‘delivered’ pops up underneath the picture.
Holy shit.
What the fuck have I done?
I press my hands to my forehead as I burn a hole in my carpet. Every last drop of saliva in my mouth evaporates within seconds. I rush to Google, trying to figure out how to recall a message. I scan my eyes across the screen and rush back to the message, only for my heart to fall out of my chest.
Read 18:05
A sob falls from the back of my throat, and I choke. “Oh god,” I whimper, still pacing because I don’t know what to do with myself.
Fuck. Fuck!
I brace myself on my desk, hunching over it because I’m struggling to catch my breath.
This cannot be happening.
My eyes burn when I hear the front door open and slam. I’m shaking as I glance over my shoulder, footsteps becoming louder as they race up the stairs. The handle to my door twists, and I clutch my robe around my body as it opens.
JJ stands in the doorway like he just ran six miles without hesitation. His chest puffs out aggressively, his eyes set on me like he’s a hungry lion and I’m nothing more than his silly little prey.
I don’t know how long we stand here staring at one another, but it’s not long enough to process the situation.