Chapter 7 Fun Chem
Fun Chem
Classes began Monday morning, despite the fact that I only felt half ready.
This day felt both like it had been a long time coming and also like it had snuck up on me in the blink of an eye.
My plans and materials were as ready as they were going to be, but a shadow of self-doubt hung just beyond my consciousness.
As I had on the night before my first meeting with Richmond, I slept like garbage, tossing and turning to unpleasant dreams about getting lost in a dark, twisty maze and showing up to class in my underwear.
Groggy as I was, showering and getting ready felt like more of a chore than it usually did.
I fought a losing battle to tame my hair in the small bathroom, steamy from my shower, and try as I might, there was no fitting all of my cosmetics on the narrow vanity.
My favorite eyeshadow pallet slipped over the edge and exploded across the hard floor.
I pouted over the casualty but didn’t have time to clean it up.
By the time I was finally presentable in a cute blouse and my favorite purple trousers, which walked the fine line between classic and trendy, I was running very late for breakfast with Ashley.
I plastered a too-bright smile on my face, hoping no one in the crowded cafeteria would notice that I had begun to sweat through the underarms of my shirt.
“Well, don’t you look cheery,” Ashley remarked as I slid into the chair across from her. “Are you ready for your first day?”
“I’m so excited I might pee my pants.” I took a sip of coffee and let the ritual of savoring the hot beverage calm my racing adrenaline.
“Maybe lay off the coffee until your break. More liquid is not going to improve your situation.” The severe woman regarded me with a disapproving grimace.
“I didn’t mean literally,” I said, but I still set down the mug.
Ashley looked at me through narrowed eyes, then shrugged it off.
“I know the feeling,” she said. “It’s a little like going back to school and starting a new job all rolled into one.”
“Exactly! I hope I don’t do something stupid and embarrass myself on day one. What if I’m the teacher who was so nervous that she threw up.”
Ashley narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, likely even more concerned about my bodily functions. “I’m sure that won’t happen. And if it does, just pretend it didn’t. The students will follow your lead.”
“Really?”
“No, not really,” Ashley said. “Teenagers are ruthless, even to teachers. But I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
That was not remotely reassuring. My smile faltered for a moment, but I pulled it back in place. “Any last-minute words of advice?”
She took a bite of her parfait while she considered the question. “You’ve done the work. Just relax and try to enjoy yourself.”
I snorted a humorless laugh. “I appreciate your confidence,” I said, running a hand through my hair. I was beginning to regret leaving it down. It felt like a wool blanket in this already stuffy room.
“That’s the spirit,” she said. “Manifest the perfect lesson!”
Ashley did not understand sarcasm. I laughed in earnest.
“Perfection is too ambitious,” I said. “My plan is to just be really funny and charm them into learning something.”
Ashley shrugged. “That might work. The first day is really just about introducing yourself to the students and setting a tone. It’s important they respect you from the outset or you’ll be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of the semester.”
I nodded while I sipped my coffee, and Ashley continued from atop her soap box.
“But you don’t want to swing too far in the other direction either. Getting the reputation for being a bitch won’t do you any favors. It’s a delicate balance.”
I thought, perhaps, Ashley might be speaking from personal experience.
“That, and part of the criteria for winning this job is student evaluations,” I added bitterly.
Ashley sat bolt upright, and her face twisted in horror.
“They are not.” When I nodded my confirmation, she practically growled.
“Student evaluations. I sent the Headmaster multiple articles about how they are no more substantive than Google reviews. Not to mention sexually biased. I’m going to talk to him. ”
She moved to stand, and I stilled her with a hand on her arm. “No, please don’t.”
Ashley held my gaze for a beat before sitting back down, though I suspected she was still planning on speaking with Richmond. I doubted there was anything I could say to stop her.
“Don’t worry about the evaluations,” she said. “You just need to teach.”
I pinched my eyes closed and then blinked them open to find Ashley staring at me quizzically. “But that’s not enough,” I protested. “I still need them to like me, and like me more than Mr. Cooper. Oh yeah—and I still have to teach them chemistry during this little popularity contest.”
“Stop,” Ashley ordered, pointing her spoon at me like a spear. “Take a deep breath.”
I had no choice but to comply.
“In-two-three-four,” she chanted while I sucked in air through my nose. “Out-two-three-four.”
“But, what if—”
“And again!” she commanded. “Slow, deep breaths improve heart variability and get more oxygen to your brain. I get it. There’s a ton of pressure. But freaking out is not going to help. The only things you can control are your mindset and your body.”
Oddly, I felt noticeably better after a few deep breaths.
“You’ll be fine,” she added. “Choose to be fine.”
“I am fine,” I said, even though the words felt forced. If I said them enough, they might just become true.
At least, Ashley seemed satisfied.
Ignoring Ashley’s raised eyebrow, I filled a to-go cup with more coffee and headed toward my classroom in Franklin Hall.
Okay, it wasn’t my classroom, it was the school’s classroom, and I was just using it (and unfortunately sharing it).
But it felt like mine, and for the next fifty-five minutes, it would be.
That thought put a little pep back into my step.
I placed printed copies of the syllabus in a tidy stack on my desk and stowed my bag in a drawer. Then I watched in giddy anticipation as my Fundamentals of Chemistry students filed into the room and chose seats.
Determined to make a good first impression, I tried to make eye contact with as many people as I could. Like me. Please like me.
I straightened the pile of syllabuses even though they were already straight. Then I took a sip of coffee. Then I took another peek at my lesson plan and the jokes written into the margins. I had to put my best foot forward to make sure I could keep all of their attention.
When the bell rang, signaling the start of class, I pulled on my sunniest smile. Go time. Twenty-two pairs of eyes regarded me with a mix of expressions that ranged from curiosity to boredom.
One boy had his eyes closed and head down on his work bench, trying to catch a few more moments of sleep. It was eight o’clock in the morning—not early by conventional definitions. Ashley’s advice rang in my head. I had zero intention of letting students sleep in my class. I needed all eyes on me.
“Good morning,” I called. A little too loudly.
“I’m Ms. Burke, and I will be teaching Fundamentals of Chemistry this semester, or as I like to call it—Fun Chem. I love chemistry jokes and will be telling them periodically. They really put me in my element.” I paused, waiting for a few laughs, but was only met with blank stares.
“Burke like the library?” the sleepy student called from his prone position. His eyes were still closed.
All the air felt like it had been sucked out of my lungs, and I had to strain to hold my smile in place.
“No relation,” I said quickly.
Lying was probably a mistake. Gossip spread like wildfire through the isolated campus. But I simply didn’t have the capacity to think about anything outside this classroom at the moment.
I turned to the whiteboard and, picking up one of the two dry-erase markers, began to write my name. The marker was light yellow and practically impossible to read. Why did marker companies even make yellow markers? Surely, there was no demand for this useless color.
I popped the cap back on and dropped it on the tray before grabbing the second marker—blue. Much better.
Having written my name and the class title in large letters, I turned back to the room and picked up my syllabuses.
I began passing them out to each student while I continued my prepared remarks.
Moving around and having something to do with my hands helped settle my nerves more than anything else had so far. I was finally finding my groove.
“All of you took the prerequisite, Introduction to Science, either as freshmen or sophomores, and chose to continue in the chemistry track. Fun Chem covers atomic and reaction fundamentals and lays a foundation of chemistry principles which you may choose to build on in Advanced Chemistry next year. The material may seem challenging, but we’re all going to make like a proton and stay positive. ”
More silence.
My cheeks were starting to ache from the strain of holding the smile on my face.
At the rate I was going, this was going to be the longest hour of my life. I took another deep breath and counted to five, willing my nerves to relax. I just needed to follow my plan. It was a good plan.
“Let’s start by going through the roster so I can learn your names, then we’ll review the syllabus and classroom expectations.
This is a classroom, yes, but this is also a laboratory.
So, there are some important safety rules that everyone will be expected to follow.
Chemistry is a lot like cooking—just don’t lick anything. ”
This finally got a couple of tentative chuckles, and the weight that had been crushing my chest began to ease.
The next twenty minutes passed more quickly with me trying to find a balance between being likable and maintaining authority.
When I got to the napping boy in my role call (Masterson comma David), I said, “What did one charged atom say to the other? I’ve got my ion you.
” No one laughed at this joke either, but the boy did sit up, at least.
I spent the second part of the period lecturing on the first section of material. There were nine topics to cover this term. With exams and holiday breaks, I figured that I would need to cover one topic per week to keep on track. Best to start on day one.
This week we were starting easy. “Everything in the universe is made up of atoms and molecules, including the caffeine that Mr. Masterson forgot this morning. And, we can predict how matter will behave by understanding the essential building blocks—the similarities and differences in their properties.”
Heads were down, and the room was filled with the soft scratching of pencils on notebooks as I reviewed alkali and alkaline earth metals.
By the time the bell rang signaling the end of the period, the white board was covered with atomic symbols, definitions, and a halfway decent drawing of sodium exploding in water.
“Check the syllabus for your homework assignments,” I called as students packed up their bags and hurried from the room. “Do you know your elements? Isotope so!”
Admittedly, my first lecture could have gone a little more smoothly—I couldn’t believe how few people laughed at my best jokes. Those always killed with my classmates in college. But it was only the first lesson. They would warm up to my humor eventually.
The important thing was that I had done it. I had survived my first lesson and lived to tell the tale. I flipped the marker in the air and caught it in one hand.
The air changed the second Cooper stepped into the room. He looked like the perfect academic this morning in another crisp Oxford shirt and slim, khaki pants. His belt was the exact shade of brown as his shoes and a leather backpack that looked like it had seen better days.
My purple pants suddenly felt garish and unprofessional. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and ducked down to collect my bag and empty coffee cup.
“Good luck,” I chirped as I passed him on my way to the door, hoping I didn’t look like I was running away. Which I definitely wasn’t. It just didn’t feel like my room anymore.