Chapter 16 Failure
Failure
Itried not to think about Jack on Sunday.
I tried not to think about how we had such a nice time at the bonfire.
I tried not to think about how he kissed my brains out and then ran away, leaving me aroused and frustrated and embarrassed.
But try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I could still smell him on my skin. Taste him on my lips.
He acted like he was into me—talked to me for hours, then kissed and touched me until I was undone and aching. Then, when I tried to take things a step farther… full stop.
Stopping was the sensible thing to do. We could agree on that. But I had always had a hard time being sensible when it came to going after something I wanted. And I was having an even harder time wrapping my head around the blatant rejection.
And fucking hell, did I want Jack Cooper. Skin to skin. Between my legs. Inside me. All of the above.
After a fully justified “I told you so,” Silvia’s advice was less than satisfying.
Silvia: You can’t take your eye off the prize. He’s putting everything you worked for in jeopardy.
My friend was right, but her advice went against the bone-deep magnetism drawing me toward that man. The feeling was physical, yes—but it had grown to be so much more than that after weeks of pranking each other and talking for hours on Saturday night.
I left Silvia on read and spent the rest of Sunday sulking.
Immature as it was, I decided to employ the same strategy with Cooper. Even with my interest in him abundantly clear, he still shot me down in no uncertain terms. Obsessive—yes—but I wasn't so desperate that I needed to throw myself at him again and risk further embarrassment.
No. If he changed his mind, then it would be up to him to make the move.
Monday morning, I reviewed Friday’s exam results with my first period students, focusing on the most missed problems. Many students struggled to differentiate physical and chemical reactions, so I spent the bulk of my lesson reviewing chemical composition and states of matter.
Cooper entered the room within a moment of the bell signaling the end of class and strode straight up to me at the front of the room where I was erasing the whiteboard (with my personal eraser).
The five seconds it took for him to cross the room were not nearly long enough for me to figure out what the hell I was going to say to him.
All I could come up with was—don’t say anything embarrassing.
He stopped a respectful distance from me, but close enough that the students couldn’t overhear his low voice when he spoke.
“Hey.” It came out husky, as though this was the first time he had spoken today, and he cleared his throat. “Hey, I wanted to apologize to you for this weekend. I… behaved… unprofessionally. I shouldn’t have done… what I did.”
I pursed my lips and crossed my arms over my chest. “If you call your actions unprofessional, then what would you call mine?”
His face flushed, and I started to wonder if I had overstepped. Hadn’t I just decided I wasn’t going to embarrass myself?
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “I shouldn’t have… started… things… the way I did.”
Wait—was he embarrassed too? What did he have to be embarrassed about?
“I didn’t mind—” I started, and then cut myself off mid-sentence. What was I going to do? Scold him for rejecting me, or worse, beg him to give me another chance? It was better to say nothing.
“You should go,” he said. “I need to get my class started.”
Fuck. That was a clear dismissal if I had ever heard one.
“Right. Well, have a good class then.” I packed up my bag, careful not to rush away, and strode out of the room with my head high.
But when it was time to return for my third period class, I waited until the last possible moment to enter the classroom. I didn’t feel up to another confrontation today and needed to make sure he was definitely gone.
***
After lunch, I made my way to the administration building for a meeting with Headmaster Richmond. I said a quick “hello” to TJ, then took a seat in one of the hard chairs in front of Richmond’s sturdy, oak desk.
“Ms. Burke, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me this afternoon. As you know, we are five weeks into the term, and I would like to check in on your progress to date.”
I clasped my hands in my lap and smiled my sunniest smile at the older man. I had a bit of a rocky start, but I knew my skills were improving day by day. I felt like I was even starting to develop my own style. I had felt pretty good when Richmond observed one of my classes a couple of weeks ago.
“You seem to be settling in very well. I’ve heard reports from the other teachers that you are being social and active outside of classes. The students, too, speak highly of you, both in your classes and outside of them.”
“It’s a pleasure to be back on campus. I’m flattered that others are noticing.”
“Yes, quite. However, there does seem to be an area for improvement. Academically.”
I sat a little straighter and tried to keep my voice from shaking. “Could you please elaborate, sir?”
“Exam scores, Ms. Burke. This morning I reviewed Scoreboard for your sections versus Mr. Cooper’s sections, as well as the exams from previous years.
The scores from your sections were one standard deviation lower than those of Mr. Stephens’s classes last year, and they were two standard deviations lower than Mr. Cooper’s sections. What do you have to say about that?”
I felt like I had just been hit by a Mac truck. There was suddenly a loud ringing in my ears. I became lightheaded as my breathing became shallow.
Of course, I had seen the exams for Cooper’s classes, but I hadn’t paid much attention to the scores. I had been too busy brooding and sulking over his rejection.
I was failing. My class had failed. I let them down. I was going to lose the job. I would have to go crawling back to my parents. I would have to start all over. I—
I was overreacting.
I needed to play it cool.
I took a deep breath and wiped my palms on the sides of my trousers before speaking. “Well, it is only the first exam,” I said. “I’m confident that my students are learning the material. There were a couple of concepts that they struggled with, so I’ve already reviewed those with them again—”
“Ms. Burke.” Richmond cut off my rambling excuses before I could build up any steam. “You are a very bright young person, and you have a lot of potential as an educator.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled on my most charming smile. “Thank you, sir.”
“But”—he paused for emphasis, and my smile faltered—“it is paramount that the students are able to demonstrate mastery of the material in exams. We have a certain standard, a reputation if you will, here at Newbury. The parents expect—and demand—the best.”
It was a warning. And a dismissal. We were only one month into the semester, but I was already done.
“I understand, sir.”
“Excellent. I expect you will sort out your process and the midterm scores will be much improved…”
My brain short-circuited. Was I getting another chance? I wasn’t fired?
I realized he had never stopped talking.
“I’m sorry, sir,” I interrupted. “What were you saying?”
“Mr. Cooper,” Richmond said. “I recommend having a chat or two with him. He seems to have something figured out. The students have mixed feedback on him, but the exam scores from his sections are exemplary.”
My stomach twisted into a knot at the prospect of seeing Cooper—of asking him for help. It was highly unlikely he would agree to it. My failure was in his best interest. There had to be something—anything—else I could do.
I searched the Headmaster’s expression, looking for any hint that he might accept an alternative. But he stared back resolutely, his mind clearly made up.
“Yes, of course. Thank you, sir.”
I started to stand, a mixture of relief at not being fired and anxiety about speaking with Cooper making me feel lightheaded.
As I turned to leave, he spoke again. “Ms. Burke? While you are here, is there anything else you would like to discuss with me?”
I froze mid-stride.
My brain flashed back to Saturday night—Phyllis’s whiskey at the bonfire and Cooper’s kiss in Brookside Hall. Richmond couldn’t possibly know about any of that. Too many people would be implicated.
“No, sir,” I said. “Everything has been going really well.”
He nodded, satisfied. “Excellent. In that case, have a fine rest of your day.”
I mirrored his nod and offered a parting smile before closing the large door behind me.
“Is everything alright, Mel?”
I let out a long, heavy breath, my head spinning. The meeting had been brief, but I had experienced a roller coaster of emotions. “Yes. I mean, no. I mean… my sections didn’t do very well on the first exam.”
“Ah,” TJ said with a nod. “But you’re a smart girl. I’m sure you’ll do better on the next one.”
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, there’s still time. I’ll see you later, okay?”
I was turning to leave when something made me pause, and I turned back. “TJ?”
She looked up at me from her desk, and whatever she saw on my face made a look of mild concern spread over hers. “What’s on your mind, honey?”
I leaned my forearms on her counter and paused for a moment before speaking. “I’ve always heard teaching was so fulfilling. When do I start feeling… fulfilled?”
TJ regarded me with a thoughtful expression. “I’m no teacher, but I’m sure that will come in time. Just keep focusing on your kids, and one day you’ll wake up and know you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.”
I was pretty sure I’d seen that exact quote on an inspirational social media post. Or maybe a little wooden sign in the Target decor section.
“I’ve been working toward this for a couple of years,” I sighed. “I can’t imagine doing anything else. It makes me sick to think about leaving before I can see it through.”
TJ swatted the air as if to brush the thought away. “Oh, don’t get yourself all twisted up about something that hasn’t happened. There are too many other things to think about.”