31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Grady
T he last two nights, I’d dreamed of her. They’d been so vivid, I’d woken up convinced she was somewhere in the house: the kitchen, the bathroom, outside with the dogs, anywhere but gone. After each dream, I’d lain in bed, staring into the darkness. Would this be my life now? Would she ever come around? Or would I stare into the darkness for years, like I had the first time? Except back then, hate had been the emotional fuel. I’d been restless and energized by my negative feelings, spurred on to new places and adventures, desperate to get her out of my system.
Now, the will to live was being sucked out. I had no desire to do anything but sleep, dream of her, fix what I’d broken. Love was a starving vampire.
My alarm buzzed beside me, and I rolled over to snooze my phone. The dogs stirred at the bottom of the stairs, their nails clipping against the wood floor. I had to go see Tyler to pick up the last of the costumes for tomorrow night. Trent, Lila, and I had convinced the Sullivans to turn over all the organizational things for the concert, and we’d made it clear no one expected them to show up on Saturday night. The funeral was Sunday. I remembered what a mess I’d been the night before my dad’s funeral. All my pent-up anger at the injustice of losing my dad so suddenly had begged for an outlet, and I’d done stupid, reckless things.
Yesterday, I’d given Maggie some space, sort of. I’d ordered more food and had it delivered to her house at dinner. I’d given Pete, her right-hand man from the mayor’s office, her favorite flowers and asked him to make sure she got them. Crowding her was a bad idea, but I had to do something to show her I cared, that even if some part of her wanted me gone, I wasn’t going quietly. She was hurting because of her father, because of me. I’d fucked up at the worst possible time, again.
After I’d showered and fed the dogs, I headed to my truck. In the cab, I closed my eyes, hands on the steering wheel. Just out of reach was the memory of Maggie sitting beside me the other night, and if I concentrated hard enough, she filled the space again. I should have said ‘no’ to the LA job. Or told her right away, gauged if she’d be able to do long-distance. ’Cause if she was out, so was I. I didn’t want any life without her.
On autopilot, I ended up at Tyler’s shop. Far too early for it to be open yet. I’d meant to go grocery shopping before coming here. From the parking lot, a crack of light shone out of the back room. When I tried the door, I found it unlocked.
“Hello?” I called into the stillness. Clothes racks lined almost every conceivable space, and the counter with the cash register sat over to his left. “Tyler?”
“Come on back.” Tyler’s voice drifted from the cracked door at the back.
I eased the door open. Tyler stood behind one of the worktables, pieces of a colorful costume all around him, a cloth tape measure over his shoulder, a needle with thread dangling in his hand.
“I’m running a bit behind. I can’t sleep, so I don’t know how far I’m behind, but I am. Sorry, man. Take a seat. This is the last one.”
“I’m early.” I scraped one of the chairs across the concrete floor and plopped into it. Sketches lined the back wall, and a rack of costumes was off to the side, ready to take to the theater.
“Not sure the time matters. I can’t focus.” He sighed and rubbed his face. “Can’t sleep. Can’t focus.”
“How is everyone else doing?” Her name hung in the room unsaid.
“Emily is doing okay. She doesn’t have much choice because of Amir, same with my mom. They’re both trying to be strong for him. My dad was—” Tyler’s voice hitched, and he rubbed his eyes with his fingers. “He was a good grandpa.”
“And you?” The pain of losing a parent was such a wall of grief. The week after my dad died, Trent and I had run wild. Looking back, we hadn’t made our mom’s life easy, our poor choices piled on top of her grief.
“I’m a fucking disaster pretending I’m doing okay. I can’t wrap my head around him being gone, and then when I do, the realization is crushing.” He shook his head.
“And Maggie?” I’d hoped Tyler would bring her up without prompting. No luck. My gut clenched, waiting for him to respond, to give me something. A breadcrumb.
“She asked me not to talk about her with, uh, anyone.” Tyler picked up two pieces of fabric and used pins to connect them.
He was a shitty liar. She’d probably mentioned me by name. “Right.”
“She’ll come around.” Tyler glanced at me before focusing on the cloth in front of him again.
“Will she?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I was clinging to any shred of light in the darkness.
“I don’t think she wants to cut you out. She just doesn’t know how to let you in. Probably feels risky for her.” Tyler sighed and grabbed more fabric, piecing it together. “We’re all reeling, emotionally fragile.”
“I get the reeling. I just wish she’d let me be there.”
“You taking the LA job?” Tyler was focused on sewing pieces together.
“She told you about that?”
“Had to give us some reason why you two weren’t going to work out. That was it.” Tyler stuck some pins between his lips while he brought two pieces of cloth together, a distinct pattern forming on the table.
“I’m supposed to tell my agent today what I’m doing.”
“What are you going to do?” Tyler mumbled around the pins.
“What would you do?”
He dropped the pins into his hand. “Nah, you can’t ask me that. I’m not you.”
“If I turn the job down, and I don’t get her back, I’ll regret it.”
“And the other side of that coin?”
“If I take the job and move to LA, I’ll probably never get another chance with Maggie.”
“So, twenty years from now, which one will be the bigger regret?” Tyler gave me a meaningful look. “Nothing worse than regret.”
The answer was obvious. I’d spent thirteen years pining for Maggie in one way or another. “Do you think if I went to see her, she’d let me in?”
The pins were bobbing in Tyler’s mouth again. “Not a chance.” He slotted the last one into place in the fabric. “I’m not trying to sway your decision, but the two of you were just starting to get past what happened when you were kids. The timing of the job, of Dad… It’s just shitty, man.”
With a frustrated grunt, I hauled myself out of the chair. “I’ll come back later to get the costumes. Just give me a call when they’re done.”
“Will do. Shouldn’t be too much longer. Are you sure you, Trent, Lila, and Kelvin can handle tomorrow night?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about us. Most of the hard work is done now.” While that was true, the organization portion of the concert and strip show was going to be chaotic. Kelvin had reassigned everyone’s jobs, but when I’d looked at how many places I’d need to be at once, I’d had a mini-heart attack.
One way or another, we’d figure everything out tomorrow night. I wasn’t putting pressure on any of the Sullivan family to show up and definitely not to help out given the funeral was on Sunday. “I’ll see you on Sunday.”
Tyler pressed his fingers into his eyes and nodded. “See you Sunday.”
I had searched the parking lot for Trent’s car and then followed a resident into the apartment building. At Trent’s door, I knocked briskly before I lost my nerve.
When the door swung back, Trent’s brows lifted in surprise. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be glued to your keyboard or guitar expelling your feelings into a song?”
I grimaced. “Doesn’t quite work like that. I have to be inspired or motivated.”
“Ah, so, what happened with your first album? Inspiration or motivation?” Trent leaned into the door, not inviting me in.
Hadn’t we been making progress? That was an attack, one I would ignore. “Can I come in?”
Trent stepped back and opened the door wider. “Yeah, I guess. Maggie called me fucking crying the other night, so you’re on my shit list.”
“You talked to her?”
“For like two minutes. She called to apologize that she wasn’t going to see the Small Town Saviors show through to the end. Like I care about that right now.”
“Oh, so she didn’t—”
“Mention she’d broken things off with you? Yeah, she did. Didn’t say why, but Emily and Lila filled me in.” He popped open a beer and took a long drink. “I told you not to hurt her.”
“I was trying not to.”
“By moving to LA?”
“I’m not taking the job. Why does everyone act like there wasn’t another option? I already called my agent and left him a message.”
“So, you broke her heart over nothing?”
Only my brother could make me feel worse than I already did. I rubbed my face. Since Trent wasn’t going to offer me a beer, I’d help myself. From the fridge, I took out a bottle, popped the top, and chugged half of it. “Will you go over and talk to her for me? See how she’s doing?”
“If you’re asking me to go plead your case, that’d be a ‘no.’”
“I’m not.” I held up my hands. “I swear. I’m not. Everyone says she’s not doing well, and she won’t let me anywhere near her to help. I’ve tried texting her, calling. I sent her flowers yesterday. Had lunch delivered. Silence.” I examined my beer, the sheer magnitude of how completely she’d cut me off sitting on my shoulders. “She’ll let you in. I know she will. I don’t want her to be so alone. Don’t even mention my name when you’re there.”
“So, you don’t want me going over there for you?” Trent eyed me, his skepticism clear.
“I want to know she’s okay and that she’s got support. If that makes my request about me, then sure, Trent. It’s all about me.”
“If Maggie wasn’t here, would you be going to LA?”
I met Trent’s gaze. How honest should I be? Jim’s words about communication and difficult conversations rose up. I wasn’t hiding from anyone anymore. “Yeah, I probably would have taken the job.”
“So, Mom and I, we aren’t worth staying for?”
I pinched my lips with my fingers. “Last time I left, I was weighed down by guilt. I’d let Dan into the house, I’d coveted Maggie to the point where I’d been disloyal to you. I didn’t know how to deal with the things I’d done. I realize now that I should have talked to you, that I should have talked to her. Fear of the unknown held me back. My avoidance of this town had nothing to do with anything you’d done. You’re my brother, and I love you. I’ll always love you, root for you. I am beyond sorry I ever made you feel anything other than those things. Whether I stay in Little Falls or I end up halfway around the world again, I’m going to do better by you and by Mom. We aren’t going to keep drifting apart. I’m tethered to you.” I pushed up the sleeve on his shirt to reveal our tattoo, partially covered by a medieval lock and key, but still visible. “You’re not getting rid of me.”
“I’ll go see Maggie,” Trent said, his voice gruff. “I’m trying to let the past go between us.”
“We all are,” I said. “Just gonna take a while. We’ve got time. I’m not making the same mistakes again.”
“Yeah?” Trent gave me a wry grin. “You got some different ones lined up?”
I smiled. “Probably. I take one foot out of my mouth just to jam the other one in.”
“If you need some salt and pepper for taste, just let me know.”
“Nah, it’s feet, man. You gotta use hot sauce on those to disguise the stench.” We both laughed, and Trent held out his hand to shake. “We’re brothers. We’re gonna hug it out.” We embraced, and I held him tight, patting him on the back.